Don’t blame the unprecedented hell-on-earth temperatures blowing out thermometers (and backs) all across Europe on climate change. Brad Pitt wore a skirt to the Berlin screening of Bullet Train. Not convinced? How about I lay some cold, hard science facts on your ass. Brad’s skirt had a raw, asymmetrical hem which highlighted his raw, asymmetrical knees causing a high-pressure weather event in coochies across the continent. Pretty hard to argue with that, I should say. Still think it’s because you were lazy and couldn’t be bothered to wash out your yogurt container so you threw it in the garbage and then hopped in your private jet to make a Target run? My good people, he was also wearing a tiger tooth necklace and combat boots. Berlin is in ashes.
Like, just a smoldering husk. Berlin hasn’t caught this much smoke from America since 1945.
Brad brought that city to its knees. With his knees! His star wattage was taking out transformers left and right. How else do you explain Paris logging its hottest temperature since 1947 (104!) the very same day Brad busted a move in a salmon-colored leisure suit at the Paris screening? Now, I hear you. After all, the Berlin screening was yesterday and it’s still hotter than a medium spice level chicken tikka masala in London today (come on, that’s hot for them! It’s like 80 fucking degrees). But no. It’s Brad. Need further science proof? At today’s London photocall, he wore a teal pajama suit that showed off his tum-tum tats when he lifted up his arms. Which he did. A lot. He’s very chummy these days meaning we can expect temperatures to rise until Angelina Jolie files her next motion.
Ha-cha-cha-cha! Which, incidentally, is what I think he tum-tum tat says. Please note I said, “think.” You see, I believe in science, and since I have no proof of that, I’ve let you know that this is just a working hypothesis. But I’ve done the necessary scientific facts research to report with 99.8% accuracy that Brad is the primary cause of Europe’s current heat crisis. I included my research materials below for reference (with costars Zazie Beetz, Brian Tyree Henry, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, and Joey King). Here are more pics from the Berlin red carpet screening, as well as pics from today’s London photocall and premiere.
Pics: Frederic Kern/DDP/INSTARimages.com/Cover Images, Yui Mok/PA Images/INSTARimages.com/Cover Images