There are some things we just know are going to stay on this earth forever, like silica packets, those little white tables that save a pizza from getting smushed in a box, Betty White, and up until this morning, Karl Lagerfeld. I can’t be the only one who thought that long after we all turn to dust, Karl will sashay across the land, slightly dropping his signature sunglasses, only to judge the hideous and drab post-apocalyptic landscape before him. But we were all wrong, because Karl died today in Paris at 85.
Like every season, the Chanel couture show went down at the Grand Palais in Paris today, but unlike other haute couture seasons, the Grand High Vampire Witch of the Haus, Karl Lagerfeld, was not there to look over his multi-multi-thousand dollar creations in between beaming ice cold “Suck it in, fatté!” glares through his sunglasses at models who ate more than air before the show.
Kunty Karl usually comes out at the end of the show with the “bride” to take in the applause of his devotees before opening his Jack-O-Lantern-on-meth mouth to “kiss” the bride as he sucks her soul out of her young body. But the bride’s soul was spared today, because Karl wasn’t feeling well and bowed out of bowing.
When I read that Mariah Carey performed a few numbers at a private party for Karl Lagerfeld on Monday night, I started seal clapping in glee at the thought of those two just taking separate corners of the Boom Boom Room to see who could give the most ‘tude in this self-absorbed Price Is Right Showcase Showdown. Who won round 1? Mimi, dahhhhhling! Continue reading
It’s been much too long since we’ve gotten a random feud that is like Valium for the soul, and thankfully Kunty Karl ended the drought by going after Meryl Streep about a couture dress. I’m not sure who I should direct my, “You in danger, girl,” comment at.
Did you lose out on the $100k Flamin’ Hot Harambe Cheeto and have been looking for something else to waste your money? Look no further, because Karl Lagerfeld has the perfect thing for you. Continue reading
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis’ 17-year-old daughter Lily-Rose Depp closed today’s Chanel couture show in something that a rich southern belle would wear to her quinceañera in the 1980s. Lily-Rose looks like a school girl from the 1920s who’s in the middle of getting attacked by a pack of mutated shower puffs from the future. That dress looks like what you would get if you injected steroids into the knitted toilet paper cozy in your memaw’s guest bathroom.
Lily-Rose Depp is apparently Kunty Karl’s current muse and that’s why she wore the wedding dress at the Chanel show in Paris today. Two things:
- I once read an article about the world of couture, and a customer said that nobody asks how much that shit costs. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. So based on that, I’m guessing that Kunty Karl knows of a billionaire 9-year-old girl who really needs a beyond-froofy froofy Barbie gown for the play wedding she’s having with her teddy bear. Because that’s who that dress is for.
- I hope that Lily-Rose learned how to run in that dress. Because I’m sure that when she and Kunty Karl got backstage, his vampire nostrils started to twitch and when his vampire nostrils start to switch, you better run before it’s too late. He smells your blood!
And here’s more of the Thoroughly Modern Millie’d up models (including a Jenner and a Hadid) at the Chanel couture show.