Leave It To Charli XCX To Give You Ten Tons Of Drunk 90s Bride At The amfAR Gala

Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.

And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”

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What In Cartoon Latex Sex Doll HELL Is Happening Here???

No, you’re not looking at Courtney Stodden’s long-lost half-human, half-whatever-they-make-cheap-dildos-out-of sister; it’s actually the Queen of Halloween herself, Heidi Klum! Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween party happened last night, and obviously Heidi is the only reason to care about that shit. As you probably already know, Heidi Klum loves Halloween. And this year, she decided to define terrifying by rolling up to her Halloween party as a humanized version of Jessica Rabbit.

Heidi posted a bunch of pictures on her Instagram showing her transformation from “Auf Wiedersehen” to “Leiber Gott, meine Augen!” (that’s “Dear God, my eyes!” in German). And basically, all it took was just a shitload of latex. Every part of Heidi is plastic: her lips, her tits, her ass, her ears, her eyes. Heidi Klum got the Heidi Montag special. It’s not so much Jessica Rabbit as it is what you’d get if Jessica Rabbit divorced Roger Rabbit’s annoying ass, but he missed her so much he had a Jessica Rabbit latex mask made and asked every trick he met on Toontown tinder to wear it while they had sex, but he accidentally left it face side down on the radiator beside a pile of purple condoms and it melted. It’s still 10000% more effort than most people put into their Halloween costumes though, so it gets a thumbs up from me.

With all that being said, you know Kim Kardashian just texted this picture of Heidi Klum to all her sisters with the words “Gorgeous, right? So natural. Trying to find out the name of her surgeon right now.”

Here’s more of Heidi Rabbit last night, as well as all the other famous people at her party, including Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart dressed as Marc Anthony, Emily Ratajowski as Marge Simpson, and Shanina Shaik as “Pour It Up” Rihanna (which is Slutoween commitment, considering it was cold as HELL last night).

Pics: Splash

Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com

Heidi Klum Took Her Hot Younger Piece On Vacation To St. Barts

Alternate title: “Vito Schnabel Took His Reality TV Cougar Girlfriend To St. Barts”. Alternate alternate title: “Two Rich Assholes Went To A Fancy French Island.” And yes, I’m only calling them assholes because I’m a jealous hater who is just jealous that I’m not spending my holiday week topless on a fancy French island like Heidi Klum and her 28-year-old art dealer boyfriend. Instead I’m freezing my ass off – not topless – and eating what’s left of a tin of stale gingerbread cookies. Life – she truly is not fair.

Heidi took the dude she’s fucking to St. Barts after Christmas, just like every other rich and/or famous ho on the planet, and I’m sure they’re having a rip-roaring good time. At the very least, they seem comfortable around each other; Heidi went topless and let her ass hang out. Usually when you’re still testing the waters, it’s either one or the other, but both? That’s a special moment for a couple. Before you know it, Heidi will be ripping hot farts on Vito and asking him to hold the mirror while she checks under her butt flaps for tan lines.

Here’s more of Heidi and Vito on a beach in St. Barts, including several NSFW pics of Heidi’s 41-year-old titty pops and her deflated bum, and a couple NSFGR (not safe for gag reflexes) pictures of Vito’s sunburnt turkey jerky torso:

Pics: Splash

And Now For An ‘Excuse My Beauty’ Moment From Miss Diana Ross

When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.

Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.

In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.

Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Because It’s Not Technically Halloween Until Heidi Klum Dresses Up Like A Terrifying Giant Alien Butterfly…

Behold, the Almighty Queen of Halloween descending upon the masked and wigged masses to teach us fools how it’s done! Heidi Klum once again killed, buried, and held a solemn and dignified funeral for Halloween when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in New York City last night dressed as a butterfly on bath salts. That butterfly is everything. It’s like a David Cronenberg fever dream. It’s like BenDeLaCreme in bug drag after drinking the liquid inside a lava lamp and fucking a fabric store. It’s like a Lisa Frank fart. It’s the broken condom baby of The Tick and Liberace.

Heidi, who has been everything from a gem-encrusted Cleopatra to the future version of herself, explained to E! why she chose to dress up as the creature from Mariah Carey’s worst Ambien hallucination this year:

“Well someone very special to my heart called me a schmetterling [German word for butterfly], so I wanted to be a butterfly this year,” Klum told E! News, adding, “They’re just so pretty and colorful and I used to love painting butterflies.”

If she wanted to go as a butterfly so badly, she should have gone as a lower-back butterfly tattoo! I’m not complaining – that bug-eyed bitch looks FIERCE – but how awesome would it have been for her to show up wearing a giant ass costume with a full-sized butterfly painted just above the butt crack with the words “Just Breath” and the Chinese character for love on either side. NEXT YEAR, HEIDI.

Pics: Splash