Heidi Klum Did NOT Win Halloween This Year

Halloween isn’t only the one day of the year when I get in my car and drive through the neighborhood, looking to find a lazy person who just left a bowl of candies out for the kids, so that I can steal it and run off. It’s also the one day of the year when hundreds of sites declare that Heidi Klum Has Won Halloween Yet Again! Heidi Klum won last year when she did herself up like a Julie Masking version of Jessica Rabbit. Heidi won in 2014 when she did herself up as The Fly if The Fly was directed by Lisa Frank. And she won in 2013 when she did herself up as an Upper East Side abuelita. So last night, every blogger probably had their “Heidi Klum Got Another Gold Medal In Halloween-ing!” headlines ready to go, because Heidi Klum never really disappoints. But some were left confused and scared about the future of everything when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in NYC as herself. Heidi Klum came as Heidi Klum in one of Jennifer Lopez’s ugliest leotards, and was surrounded by a bunch of Klum klones. This is the part where we all wake up our inner Tyra Banks and scream at Heidi: “Do you know that all of America was rooting for you and then you come in here treating this like it’s a joke?! I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! How dare you!”

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ConDRAGulations! RuPaul Finally Won An Emmy!

Before we fully get into the river of depressing smegma that this news week will probably bring, let’s raise a wig and celebrate some happy news: RuPaul finally got his hands around his first Emmy after being in the TV game for eons. HalleluRu!

If award shows always got it right, Ru would’ve gotten his first Emmy in the 90s for Best And Most Glamorous Talk Show host for Vh1’s The RuPaul Show. But since award shows mostly never get it right, that didn’t happen. It only took 20 years, but the title “Emmy-winning RuPaul” is finally a fact.

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Who Worked It Better?

I know it’s redundant of me to even ask, because we all know that Sue Ellen Mischke from Seinfeld has, is, and forever will always work the bra-under-a-blazer look the best. But Amber Rose is coming in a very close second. We all know that Amber Rose has a habit of bringing ten tons of jaw-dropping eleganza to the MTV VMAs. Sometimes she goes straight-up stripper, other times she keeps it a little more demure. This year she went tasteful and sophisticated with just a hint of “Oh, these?”

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Open Post: Hosted By Heidi Klum Running Off To Her Audition For A Dexys Midnight Runners Cover Band

I’ve always thought that wearing overalls SANS SHIRT is only okay if you’re a member of Dexys Midnight Runners and the year is 1981, or if you’re Minnie Riperton and the year is 1974, or if you’re Jordan Knight and the year is anytime, or if you’re a hillbilly toddler trying to catch crawfish with a tree stick fishing rod in a creek outside of your memaw’s house. But Heidi Klum obviously doesn’t agree with me, because yesterday in NYC, she slapped on a pair of anti-chaffing nipple pads (I’m guessing) and slid on a pair of overalls to bring some “Come On Eileen” glamour to the streets. (By the way, while doing research for this highly important post, I found out that there’s no coma in the title “Come On Eileen.” That song has taken on a whole new meaning for me.)

On one hand, I am into this 70s mess for the simple fact that Heidi isn’t wearing a choker. It seems like every famous trick nowadays has been ruining the 90s for me by wearing a choker with every single outfit they wear. So I’m thankful that Heidi kept this ensemble choker-free. But on the other hand, Heidi’s outfit makes me want to slap on a choker and a red wig to channel Clueless’ best character Ambular as I say, “She could be a farmer in those clothes.”

Pics: Wenn.com

Here’s Katy Perry Giving You Some Silk Flower Arrangement Realness At The AmfAR Gala

Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.

I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.

Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.

Pics: Wenn.com

What In Southern Bridesmaid From The 80s Hell?!

I have questions:

1. Does Heidi Klum’s publicist have blackmail material on nearly every awards show producer, because trick is at all of them. Heidi Klum is at the Oscars tonight for reasons unknown to everyone including Heidi Klum. She does have a look on her face that says, “How the fuck did I get invited to this?!” Did Phoebe Price have a much more interesting and exciting event to go to (like the opening of a Jack In The Box in Reseda, CA) and so Heidi Klum is taking her place as head seat filler?

2. Why isn’t she in jail instead of at the Oscars? Heidi obviously broke into some grandma’s gift wrapping drawer and stole all of the tissue paper ole’ girl saves up to use in Easter baskets.

My guess is that the new season of Project Runway is shooting right now and as part of a recent challenge, the designers were asked to design an 80s prom dress for their biggest enemy using only nursery curtains from a baby store. Heidi agreed to wear the “winning” look to the Oscars tonight.

I don’t know why but Heidi’s whole look reminds me of Shelby’s wedding in Steel Magnolias:

I should be slapped with an armadillo cake for comparing Heidi Klum’s ugly as hell dress with the delicate Southern belle look that Ann Wedgeworth flawlessly worked in Steel Magnolias.

Pics: Getty