Category: I’m Scared

Open Post: Hosted By “Edward Scissorhands”, Fort Worth’s Mysterious Overnight Tree Trimmer

October 14, 2022 / Posted by:

Spooky season is in full swing! Creepy ghosts, evil witches, horrifying murderers, and mysterious overnight tree trimmers. Maybe you haven’t heard of that last one, but, believe me, they’re out there! People reports that some dude is walking around a Fort Worth, Texas neighborhood at 3:00 AM, and randomly pruning peoples’ trees. The residents call this guy Edward Scissorhands, and while he’s probably not as nefarious as the real-life Johnny Depp, he’s still pretty creepy.

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Open Post: Hosted By Ugly Sonic In The “Chip ‘N Dale: Rescue Rangers” Movie

May 22, 2022 / Posted by:

We all thought Ugly Sonic The Hedgehog was a fever dream thought up by some weird internet people (seriously, Sonic has a deranged, thirsty fandom online. Don’t look it up). But alas, it was real! After unveiling HUMAN TEETH Sonic to the public, the world said, “Put it back in. It’s not done yet!” For once, the loud terrified outcry of social media made a difference and Paramount Pictures changed the character design into something less haunting and in need of dental care. But Ugly Sonic has returned to grace our TV screens and nightmares!

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Kim Kardashian Wants To Be A Lawyer And Is Going To Take The Baby Bar

April 10, 2019 / Posted by:

Yes, Anna Wintour is continuing to slowly hammer away at the very long final nail in American Vogue’s coffin by putting another Kartrashain on the cover, but I do have to give a slow clap to that demonic demon for paying tribute to Kim Kardashian’s early fame whore days by making it look like Ray J is pissing all over her. Well played, Anna!

Beyond the golden showers cover, Vogue’s Jonathan Van Meter talks to Kim at her house, which sounds as vapid and empty as her, a Mexican restaurant, and the Koven’s headquarters (a bunch of Calabasas condos that have been converted to their offices). Most of the interview is about her re-branding from soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass to a soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass who really, really cares about prison reform.

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Netflix Is Bringing Back “Unsolved Mysteries”

January 19, 2019 / Posted by:

Here is excellent news for all of you nasty true crime freaks that have run out of episodes of Forensic Files and Cold Justice to lull you to sleep night after night. The OG king of the crime shows, Unsolved Mysteries, is getting the reboot treatment. Netflix has announced that it has picked up twelve episodes of the show that made us kids of the 80s and 90s fear windowless vans and invitations to pet strangers’ kittens with the promise of candy. But will it really be Unsolved Mysteries if they can’t bring Robert Stack and his creepy as shit deadpan delivery back from the dead?

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The First Trailer For The New “It” Movie Is Out

March 29, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s a good thing I follow several Kardashians on Instagram, otherwise that screen grab of an artificially-lipped creature in such close proximity to an over-inflated rubber ball might have really scared me.

The first official teaser trailer for the Warner Bros. remake of Stephen King’s It was released today. It comes out on September 8th. That gives people enough time for their chewed-down nails to grow back before they chew them down again. The 1990 TV movie version of It, starring Tim Curry, launched a generation of clown phobias. And I got a major case of the creeps when I saw that picture of Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise. But based on the trailer for New It, I don’t think I’ll need to sleep with too many lights on after I watch it. 2 or 3, max.

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Oh Well, You Didn’t Need To Sleep Tonight Anyway

January 10, 2017 / Posted by:

We should’ve known in January 2016 that the year was going to be a real disaster when it was announced that month that Joseph Fiennes was playing Michael Jackson in a British TV production. That bit of fuckery was foreshadowing and we should’ve saged the rest of the calendar when we had the chance.

My brain protected my soul by forgetting that news, but I was reminded today when UK’s Sky Arts shat up the terrifying first trailer for Urban Myths. Urban Myths features stories from the past that may not be true and it includes the magical one about how Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando drove from NYC to Ohio in a rental car after the 9/11 attacks. In Urban Myths, Stockard Channing plays Liz and Brian Cox plays Brando. This train wreck also features a story about Hitler (played by Iwan Rheon) and his friend (played by Rupert Grint). Grab a jumbo-sized vat of holy water and press play:

Those prosthetics look like expired homemade playdough and the guy who plays the cop deserves a million awards for this. Because he was able to say the line, “Michael?“, instead of running for the nearest church after taking in the sight of what looks like a deranged Team America puppet of Criss Angel that was sculpted from an old vanilla candle. This is obviously satire, because there’s no way that cop would look at that nose and say, “Michael?” That nose is way too big. Shameful.

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