That section of hope-filled and sleekly gloved but identity-challenged arm you see in the photo above is all of us. It wants, it strives, it works hard, and deposits its paychecks. It shops for glam accessories and slips them on in earnest for photo ops. It impatiently rips open bags of Doritos and faps to hot people it hopes to one day meet. And yet all its best efforts are nothing but a cruel exercise in that humorless asshole we all know as futility. This arm, like all of us plebes, loses time and time again, and gets edged out by the will-breaking, dream-shattering bitch troll known simply as “My Parents Are Famous And Yours Aren’t.” All my arm has to show for years of striving is vexing winter dryness and a raging case of carpal tunnel. Look down and you’ll see the same. But we’re totally not bitter.
As it happens, this particular, elegantly gloved arm is having nothing of the above scenario and belongs to none other than Beyoncé. The future 2021 Grammy recipient, of course, is her daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.
Kanye West Is Now A Grammy-Nominated Christian Music Artist (And The Rest Of The Grammy Nominations)
Well I guess this means we’ll now be required to address him as Grammy-Acknowledged Christian Genius Billionaire(ish) Kanye West. I’m sure he’s typing up the press release as we speak! Kanye’s long-time-in-the-making Jesus-themed vanity project Jesus Is King has paid off, at least in terms of professional validation is concerned. The 2021 Grammy Awards were announced today, and Kanye, seen above playing out his own personal Jesus fantasies in the music video for “Closed On Sundays,” got a nomination in the category of Best Contemporary Christian Music Album. And unlike his bid for President, this is actually something he has a shot at winning.
Beyoncé recently revealed something that feels so on brand, I almost feel like she consulted with a team of brand consultants whose pitch meeting came down to literal bees, or a 20-acre lemon grove that supplies fruit for a high-end bottle lemonade company she also runs, called Beyoncé’s Lemonade. Beyoncé recently spoke to British Vogue about being Beyoncé and finding her joy, and we learned that part of her joy involves keeping two actual beehives at her house.
I’m not sure what it is, photo editing, plastic surgery, heavy makeup, all of the above (it’s all of the above) but I think we can all agree, Khloé Kardashian loves to turn a new mug. She’s gone through several different visages over the course of recent years and she’s back with another. Like, not the one from a few days ago but an even newer one. But this newest face, in particular, is making people quote prolific philosopher Tiffany “New York” Pollard by saying, “BEYONCÉ?!!!!!!!????????!” Because Khloe is looking… ethnically ambiguous. A Kardashian/Jenner-family tradition!
Adele is seriously turning into like a fabulous, gorgeous version of Bigfoot in that we never get to see her, and when we do––always randomly and without warning––everyone loses their minds at how “unrecognizable” she is. As she worked those Sun-In-covered curls, a touch of a sunburn, and straight brows, Adele kneeled in front of her 90s marbled fireplace and a scene from “Black Is King” while wearing a matching $230 top to show her undying devotion to her God.
I signed up for a free Disney+ trial exclusively so I could watch Baby Yoda. But that lapsed, and as far as I know, Baby Yoda is not featured in Beyoncé’s Black is King so I haven’t had the chance to watch it yet. As previously reported, BIK features songs from Beyoncé’s 2019 album The Lion King: The Gift and as such, much like WuTang, BIK is for the children. And what did the children get for pre-Christmas (that’s something wealthy children get with their Disney+ Unlimited subscription)? According to Billboard they got “an army of talented dancers, actors and famous guest stars,” and “a crystal-clear illumination of the importance of Black pride and excellence.” I’m sure they’ll appreciate the context when they get older. Right now they’re probably just looking for Baby Yoda to pop out from behind every Baobab tree.