Show Dogs is an actual movie about a human cop (played by Will Arnett) and a dog cop (voiced by Ludacris) who go undercover at a fancy dog show in Las Vegas to catch the animal traffickers who stole a baby panda. Think of it as a high-brow Miss Congeniality as reimagined by Merchant Ivory. That mess of a movie may seem like it was 100% made for stoners, but like most stoner movies, it was mostly made for kids. That’s why many are throwing a disgusted side-eye at a couple of messy scenes where the cop dog gets uncomfortable with humans touching his no-no area but puts up with it anyway and is told to go to his happy place. It’s nice to see that Subway Jared is keeping busy in prison by writing movie scripts.
When seven cast members of Arrested Development recently sat down with The New York Times for an interview about the upcoming fifth season, I’m sure they all thought they’d have a great time. (Ron Howard voice) They did not. Jason Bateman came to the defense of on-set jerk Jeffrey Tambor, and while doing so, he simultaneously took a hot cornballer shit all over Jessica Walter’s feelings.
Will Arnett Brought So Many Young Women To Set, Megan Fox Joked Craft Services Should Start Supplying Lunchables
If I’ve learned anything from Megan Fox’s promo tour for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, it’s that her thoughts are powered by a stoned hamster casually strolling on a wheel made of dried sage stems and crystals. She’s talked about string theory and the pyramids and how the baby currently living inside her is a telepathic real estate genius. On Conan last night, it looks like she finally gave the hamster a night off, because she stopped giving us more crystal shop knowledge. Instead she channeled her inner Jeff Ross and put on an impromptu roast of her TMNT co-star Will Arnett and his skirt-chasing ways.
Will is a horny single 46-year-old Hollywood actor, which means the recommended age for his dating pool is women who were conceived during the final season of The Commish. So of course Will had a rotating lineup of young ladies joining him on set every day during filming. And when I say “young“, I mean young enough that it made Megan wonder if she should bring in some of her kids’ Lunchables from home to give his girlfriends something to snack on as they waited for him.
“They were progressively getting younger and younger as the weeks went on, and it got to the point where I was like, ‘Buddy, I’m worried. Should I talk to craft service and make sure they have Lunchables for your girlfriend?’ There’s no food here with cartoon characters on it.”
How young were these girls that Will was bringing to set? Should Chris Hansen be concerned? I think the biggest clue would be how excited they were to be on set. See, anyone under the age of 18 would be bored to death watching a bunch of grown men wearing CGI suits covered in motion-capture ping pong balls. An of-age starfucker, on the other hand, would be like a kid in a candy store. “Ooooh, do you play Matthewangelo or Donatello Versace? Are you getting paid a lot of money for this? Listen, here’s my number. Knowing Will Arnett, I probably won’t be back tomorrow, so give me a call?”
When Megan Fox strutted out onto the stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night to promote that dried-up piece of reptile shit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds #2: Ruining Your Childhood Yet Again, many people’s brains spit up a “HUH?” No, they weren’t huh-ing over her face looking more and more like a rubber Michael Jackson mask that was accidentally thrown into the dryer. They were huh-ing over her baby growing area looking like a baby is growing in there. Now, whenever I go to Las Vegas, I end up with a Megan Fox bump after using my day pass at the Luxor buffet for the 4th time. But Megan is definitely growing another Fox baby in there.
As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).
When it was announced that Michael Bay was producing a reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, most of us who grew up with it in the 80s and 90s knew it was going to be an exploding turd, because a) Michael Bay and; b) Vanilla Ice was not involved! It really became clear that the TMNT reboot was going to be another CGI’d poop bubble out of Michael Bay’s ass when the trailer came out and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked more like the Geriatric Mutant Ninja Boogers. The Internet hated it from the beginning and during a press conference in L.A. last week, Megan Fox, Will Arnett and the director Jonathan Liebesman were asked about the backlash. Since Megan Fox has gone from calling Michael Bay “Hitler” to sucking on his taint, she was the first one to pipe in and defend the movie and Michael Bay. Megan Fox said that the haters will stay pay to see it and if they don’t like it, they can eat a fuck. via CinemaBlend.
“Let me tell you something about those people. How much money did Transformers 4 make? Exactly. Those people can complain – they all go to the theater. They’re gonna love it – and if they don’t love it, they can fuck off, and that’s the end of that.”
I know Megan Fox is the philosopher of our time and I should never question her, but what is she getting at?
Transformers 4 made $1.1 billion worldwide. Transformers 3 made $1 billion worldwide. Transformers 2 made $836 million worldwide and the first Transformers shit show made $709 million worldwide. Megan Fox was only in the first 2 Transformers movies. So is she trying to say that CGI explosion fests will make zillions of dollars no matter what or is she saying that movies make more money when she’s not in them? Is she trying to tell Michael Bay that if he wants TMNT 2 to make a shit load more money than the first one he should replace her? Brian Austin Green just handed Megan Fox a gigantic syringe full of fillers hoping that she’ll keep injecting her lips until they’re too fat to lift and she can’t talk. Because if she keeps saying shit like that, she’ll screw herself out of the TMNT sequel and then BAG will have to get a job!
Here’s the feline Real Doll and the smirking human Chick-O-Stick Will Arnett at yesterday’s L.A. premiere of TMNT.