After we were promised that the Cats movie was going to be every layer of insane, and after everyone prepared to throw their pussies against the screen from getting teased with Idris Elba shaking his shit as the mysterious criminal pussy overlord Macavity, the trailer finally hit our eyeballs and souls, and you better grab a gallon jug of holy water and hide the cat nip before pressing play. Because it is a night terror for all your senses. It does not disappoint.
They honestly should’ve waited until August 26 to release this trailer, because that’s International Dog Day, and this hacked-up musical hairball is a gift to canines everywhere. They’re all going to howl with happiness into the air over how Hollywood did catmanity. If this doesn’t cause all cats to finally rise up against us evil humans, I don’t know what will.
We should’ve known in January 2016 that the year was going to be a real disaster when it was announced that month that Joseph Fiennes was playing Michael Jackson in a British TV production. That bit of fuckery was foreshadowing and we should’ve saged the rest of the calendar when we had the chance.
My brain protected my soul by forgetting that news, but I was reminded today when UK’s Sky Arts shat up the terrifying first trailer for Urban Myths. Urban Myths features stories from the past that may not be true and it includes the magical one about how Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando drove from NYC to Ohio in a rental car after the 9/11 attacks. In Urban Myths, Stockard Channing plays Liz and Brian Cox plays Brando. This train wreck also features a story about Hitler (played by Iwan Rheon) and his friend (played by Rupert Grint). Grab a jumbo-sized vat of holy water and press play:
Those prosthetics look like expired homemade playdough and the guy who plays the cop deserves a million awards for this. Because he was able to say the line, “Michael?“, instead of running for the nearest church after taking in the sight of what looks like a deranged Team America puppet of Criss Angel that was sculpted from an old vanilla candle. This is obviously satire, because there’s no way that cop would look at that nose and say, “Michael?” That nose is way too big. Shameful.
Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
Everyone in the world who isn’t doing themselves up in clown drag to scare people are singing the opposite of what Desiree sings in A Little Night Music. We’re all singing, “Send AWAY the clowns.” (Yes, I’m that theater queen who makes an A Little Night Music reference in a post about terrifying clowns.)
Clowns are currently fucking up the world. They’re clogging up our jails, they’re causing our schools to go on lockdown, they’re killing the careers of professional nice clowns, and one of the most terrifying clowns in history is running for POTUS. We’re under a clown-idemic and now McDonald’s has announced that they’re cutting down on Ronald McDonald’s appearances until this clown hysteria is over.
I’ll wait here as you dunk your head into your bowl of hot holy water after once again laying your eyeballs on that nightmare work which should be titled: A Regular Ole’ Night In Pimp Mama Kris’ Lair.
Back in the olden days of 2013, Kanye West showed his dress-up silicone mannequin Kim Kartrashian how much he hates her and lives to humiliate her by giving her a hideously ugly and offensive Birkin bag which featured PMK in her true form (on the left) screaming at her whores to show it, work it and sell it in a nude photo shoot. That painted nightmare on a bag came directly from the mind of artiste George Condo. Page Six is saying today that George Condo may be dating Ashley Olsen, and that makes sense since only an Olsen could truly, truly love and an appreciate an artist who spits out scary shit like that.
I bet that talking ScarJoBot does that same wink as it chokes the last breath out of you! We’re all dead.
I guess Ricky Ma either didn’t see Ex Machina or it didn’t scare him away from having a robot girlfriend. Because Ricky, who is a 42-year-old graphic designer from Hong Kong, spent more than $55,000 and a year-and-a-half of his life making a talking robot. Ricky says that he’s had this dream ever since he was a child. Ricky talked to Reuters about his dark-sided creation and he would only say that he modeled it after a “Hollywood Star.” The Dr. Frankenstein of creepy sex robots didn’t say which Hollywood star, but please, that robot is a Gilbert Gottfried voice away from being ScarJoBot! Although, when you watch the video, you’ll see that ScarJoBot has a wider range of emotions than the real thing.
The robot of nightmares named Mark1 moves its arms and legs and it can turn its head and bow. It also answers a few verbal commands Ricky programmed into it.
In response to the compliment, “Mark 1, you are so beautiful”, its brows and the muscles around its eyes relax, and the corners of its lips lift, creating a natural-seeming smile, and it says, “Hehe, thank you.”
Ma, who believes the importance of robots will only grow, hopes an investor will buy his prototype, giving him the capital to build more, and wants to write a book about his experience, to help other enthusiasts.
Reuters piece didn’t say if this Uncanny valley work of horror has robotic fuck parts, but please. None of us are going to be surprised when we read about how a 42-year-old graphic designer from Hong Kong went to a hospital with a broken and electrocuted dick after he claims he fell on a toaster while naked. Pull out the holy water before pressing play:
That robot is creepy. It’s scary. It’s wrong. And I want a Prince Hot Ginge one NOW!