Category: Joan Collins

Dame Joan Collins May Be Friends With Kris Jenner But She’s Still Got Shit To Say About The Kardashians’ Plastic Surgeries

October 2, 2021 / Posted by:

That high-pitched screeching sound that is punching you in the eardrums is Katie Couric wailing with the realization that her little memoir, Going There, is going there alright. “There” being the very bottom of the clearance bin next to whatever is left of her good friend Matt Lauer’s career. Because Dame Joan Collins also has a memoir coming out this month. Katie may have thought that dragging the likes of Martha Stewart, Deborah Norville, Prince Harry, Diane Sawyer, and Ashleigh Banfield while sucking on the slimy predator ass of Matt Lauer would sell books. But sorry, Katie’s words are about as interesting as the words on an instruction manual for a spatula now that Dame Joan is dropping a book.

In 88-year-old Joan’s latest book, My Unapologetic Diaries, she lives up to its title by giving her unapologetic thoughts on Linda Evans, Sophia Loren’s teeth, the “real obesity problem” (read: fat Juvederm slug lips), and how her good friend Pimp Mama Kris’ daughters have overtaken China as the leading contributor of plastic waste. Yes, she calls out the Kardashians for getting plastic surgery. Not only will her memoir get a Pulitzer Prize, but it’ll also be the big winner at The Brand New Information Awards.

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Jane Seymour Is Mad That Producers Won’t Let Her Play Her Character At Age 25 In A Miniseries

November 18, 2020 / Posted by:

A great travesty has occurred on the set of the Medieval Times themed miniseries Glow and Darkness! The ageless queen of stage and screen, Jane Seymour, has been replaced with a younger actress! According to Entertainment Tonight, producers pulled a last minute switcheroo when they told Jane they no longer wanted her to play her character, Eleanor of Aquitaine, at age 25. Jane is 69. This cannot stand. It is time now to demand, with full voice and conviction, JUSTICE FOR JANE!

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Excuse Me As I Torch Every Pair Of Jeans I Own

November 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Since my usual hangout spots aren’t a mega-yacht off the coast of St. Tropez, the private viewing room at Cartier in Beverly Hills, the chef’s table at The Ivy in London, and an Arab sheik’s $100 million Manhattan penthouse, I will probably never feel a La Mer-infused cloud of glamour hit me while seeing Dame Joan Collins live and in person. But just in case she ever decides to slum it with the disgusting peasants at a Target again, I’m going to destroy every pair of jeans I own and only leave the house in my freshly-ironed formal sweats (the one with the least stains on them). Because I do not want to be the one who makes Dame Joan dry heave into a Hermès handkerchief from the sight of legs slathered in the fabric of Satan (read: denim)!

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Everyone Can Go Home Now, Dame Joan Collins Graced The Lessers With Her Presence At The Met Gala

May 6, 2019 / Posted by:

When Dame Joan Collins first announced on Instagram that Anna Wintour has finally done something right by inviting her to the Met Gala (actually, she was a guest of Valentino, who should get a Nobel Peace Prize for making that decision), I figured that every single guest would call in with a case of diarrhea because they knew that it’s impossible to compete with the blinding light of pure glamour that is Joan Collins! I’m guessing that’s why the usual ruler of the Met Gala, Rihanna, didn’t go. But because many celebrities are delusional and have zero self-awareness (see: Bella Hadid in the background having the AUDACITY to get in Joan’s shot!), they showed up. Although, I’m sure they all realized the mistake they made and are down at the Dallas BBQ eating their feelings over Dame Joan Collins effortlessly showing their asses up in a serious way.

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Jackie Collins Has Been Reincarnated As A Fly, So Says Joan Collins

December 3, 2018 / Posted by:

The Observer made every serious world-renowned journalist ooze thick globs of jealousy from every one of their pores when they landed an interview with the goddess herself, Dame Joan Collins. The Observer sent Sophie Heawood to Joan Collins’ luxurious Beverly Hills palace in the sky to do a long profile on the BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD!!! You can read the entire thing here, but of course, the thing that caused me to throw my fly swatter in the trash was Dame Joan saying that she believes her dead sister Jackie Collins, the BIGGEST AND GREATEST LITERARY GENIUS IN THE WORLD FOREVER AND ALWAYS, has been reincarnated as a fly that follows her around the world. And yes, that is a real picture of the opulent fly who Joan believes is Jackie Collins.

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