When choosing what I’m going to write about on this lovely pre-Christmas weekend, one of the items presented to me read “Liam Payne says he has the biggest dick in One Direction.” Because I read too fast or I’m still feeling the effects of the three bottles of Prosecco I drank at a Christmas party last night, I read that as “Liam Payne says he’s the biggest dick in One Direction.” And I was momentarily taken aback by what I perceived as Liam’s refreshing honesty. Because, as he’s evidenced in the past, that’s a true statement! Alas, no, according to Digital Spy, he was really on Watch What Happens Live! and told Andy Cohen that he HAS the biggest dick in One Direction. I’ll be the judge of that, Liam! (Can I be the judge of that, Liam?)
Listen, I love that male pop stars are now shedding their shirts and showing off their bodies to sell records! It’s about time! Women have had to do it for so long, may as well get the guys involved! Equality. Harry Styles is showing us that he is number one in this department and is appearing on the September issue of Rolling Stone with his bare man-nips on full display. Also on display is one of those Justin Bieber prepubescent barely-there moustaches which is very serial predator hillbilly.
On Sunday’s episode of the 30 peens extravaganza Euphoria, starring Zendaya, they dropped a soft-core cartoon porn scene where Harry Styles gave Louis Tomlinson a beej. And Louis does not seemed thrilled about it. In fairness, maybe he just doesn’t want Harry looking like he does all the heavy lifting. Classic Harry. Taking the hero role.
It was bad enough to feel solidly over the cusp of middle age when the teenage lads from One Direction broke up (or went on an indefinite hiatus, if you are a glass half full kind of Directioner). Then some of the boys started popping out babies and I felt down right Social Security recipient old. This morning I feel like the Cryptkeeper took a dump on my head with the news that Naomi Campbell and Liam Payne flirted. Yes, supermodel and professional phone thrower Naomi Campbell, age 48 and Liam Payne, 25 were flirting on Instagram so that 100% confirms that they are practically married already.
Vogue UK did a profile on One Direction’s moody, sexy one (I think that was his thing?) Zayn Malik, and he gave them some insight into his personality. We know he’s not big on deep conversation (example: his relationship with Gigi Hadid). But did you also know he considers himself to be an island? And apparently it’s one of those islands that can’t be found on a map, gets zero cell reception, and doesn’t accept mail from anyone including his former One Direction groupmates.
People reports that after decades upon decades of hearing about Liam Payne and Cheryl (last name pending. I don’t know if she has one right now) being over, they have announced that their 3-ish year relationship is over.Sigh, it seems like just yesterday she was rebounding onto his One Direction penis (also named One Direction). And Liam had been doing such a good job assuring the press that they were fighting through their problems. Guess it didn’t work out. Who’d of thunk it? Oh yeah, everyone. Continue reading