A Whole Bunch Of People You Love Won Creative Arts Emmy Awards This Weekend

Yes, that’s Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black after winning the award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series”, which means there is a God, and he too probably binge-watched the second season back in June like the rest of us (“Hi, you’ve reached God. I can’t take your prayer right now because I’m watching OITNB, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.”)

On Saturday night, the Creative Arts Emmys were given out at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, and in case you’re not totally familiar, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards are sort of like the Cindy Brady to the Primetime Emmy Awards’s Marcia (which would make Jan the messy shit-show that is the Daytime Emmy Awards ). They air a week before the Primetime Emmys and they give out awards for technical shit like editing and…uh…editing? Maybe microphone holding? But they also give out awards for guest actors and reality show hosts and stuff. Basically, THE LEFTOVERS. On the plus side, it’s always filled with the hottest of the hot: Uzo Aduba! Allison Janney! Bob Newhart! What’s the opposite word for “basic bitches”?

Other people who took home pointy-winged gold yoga ball-holding angel statues were Jane Lynch for hosting Hollywood Game Night, Allison Janney for her guest spot on Masters of Sex, Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (inhale) “Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media in the Category of Social TV Experience” for his online show HitRecord On TV, and Harry Shearer for his voice work on The Simpsons. That’s right, the voice of Principal Skinner/Mr. Burns/Smithers/Flanders/Lenny/Otto/Reverend Lovejoy has NEVER won an Emmy before; the world truly is a fucked-up place. The complete list of winners can be found here.

And here’s everyone wearing fancy dresses and suits in million-degree weather at the Creative Arts Emmys on Saturday night, including Laverne Cox (who does Beyoncé better than Beyoncé ever has. YES I SAID IT. Come at me, Bumblebeys, I ain’t scared!), and Derek Hough looking like Earring Magic Ken all dressed up.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

A Check Is A Check: Chris Kattan Dressed Up As His SNL Character “Mango” For The CFDAs

If you had told me back in February that getting arrested for slowly weaving his car around the 101 Freeway while high out of his mind on pills wasn’t going to be the most embarrassing thing Chris Kattan was going to do in 2014, I’d have never believed you. But cut to last night, when Christ Kattan shamefully pulled his hot pants and tiny sequinned beret from the back of his closet to attend the CFDA Awards dressed as his seductive stripper character from Saturday Night Live, Mango. No word on whether or not they played “Missing” when he arrived.

But Mango wasn’t there because they were just letting any old SNL character in (if that were the case, the CFDA’s would have been shut down by the health department for illegal levels of glamour after Sally O’Malley kick-stretch-kicked her way up the red carpet). He was invited to the CFDA’s because he’s the star of designer Alexander Wang latest fashion film.

This will be the second time he’s brought back a sketch comedy character; last year he made a short film starring MADtv’s Bon Qui Qui, which wasn’t the worst, so we’ll see what he does with Mango. But of all the SNL, Alexander Wang went with Mango? Really? Was Debbie Downer busy or something?

Here’s more of Chris Kattan clickety-clacking for that Alexander Wang paycheck dressed as Mango last night with his date (who I hope also doubled as his designated driver), as well as the rest of the hot-to-lukewarm fancy hoes in attendance. Beginning at the fuego end of the spectrum of hotness, we have Betsey Johnson, who was muy caliente with her insane American Horror Story witchy memaw look and her glued-on polyester hair. Next was Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who brought fierce evil twin religious cult realness (which one’s evil? Why not both!). Then things start to cool off. Blake Lively came dressed as Barbie’s no-personality cousin who works in Vegas as a showgirl in an Ambien-sponsored revue. And Lupita Nyong’o, who usually brings the heat, looked like she came straight from the set of Star Wars 7.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Heidi Klum And Demi Moore’s Leftovers In Mexico

Every dude in Hollywood who likes to get their prostates poked by a strap-on operated by a skinny ass model just crossed Heidi Klum’s name off of their list of potential pieces, because her strap-on game is whack. Not bending her piece over: – 100 points! Not pulling her piece’s hair: – 200 points! Yes, tapping his nip with her nail gets her 20 points, but it’s still not enough. Bitch needs strap-on training from Bland Eggs.

27-year-old art dealer and cougar magnet Vito Schnabel was getting on Demi Moore’s cougar cooch a little over a year ago and now he’s jumping on Heidi Klum’s 40-year-old titty sacks. Before Vito was boning Demi, he was doing Elle McPherson. Vito is certified cougar meat. So either the famous cougars just love a 20-something piece who knows his art and kind of looks like the human version of Spuds MacKenzie or Vito’s got a strong dick that can fuck the pre-menopause out of anyone.

Here’s a few more NSFW pictures of Heidi bringing some Vitamin D to her nips while hanging around with her new piece in Tulum, Mexico.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

Heidi Klum Is “Sowwy” For The Native American-Themed Photo Shoot On Germany’s Next Top Model

Because the space on my DVR is reserved exclusively for high-quality Peabody Award-winning programs like Shahs of Sunset and Canada’s Worst Driver, I haven’t seen Germany’s Next Top Model, but I did learn this week that Heidi Klum thought it was a good idea to take the 12 girls vying for the opportunity to appear in whatever the German equivalent of JCPenney is and dress them up like Native Americans for a photo shoot. I guess Heidi never saw those We’re a Culture, Not a Costume ads from a couple years back, because if she had, she’d know that real Native Americans don’t exactly get the warm fuzzies from seeing a bunch of skinny chicks playing dress-up in feathers and war paint.

After Heidi proudly revealed the GNTM photo shoot on Facebook, plenty of people let her know in the comments that they felt it was pretty offensive (one look at the picture of the model with a single tear rolling down her face like she’s Iron Eyes Cody is probably enough to convince you they’re not wrong). So on Thursday, a spokesperson speaking on behalf of Heidi Klum burped out this ‘sowwy you got offended’ statement to The Independent UK:

“We have nothing but the utmost esteem for the Native American culture and are so sorry if our shoot was offensive to anyone. By no means was our intention to insult Native Americans or in any way demean their heritage. We sincerely apologize.”

Whenever a group of people say that they’re not really cool with a certain stereotype or the use of their culture for the purpose of, let’s say, a photo shoot, it means it might be time to fold it up and pack it away in the linen closet to be used never again. So maybe feather headdresses and warpaint and peace pipes should be kind of hands-off for non-Native Americans? “But I already packed my bags!” – Every girl getting ready for Coachella.

Pics: Facebook

Heidi Klum Is No Longer Fornicating With The Help

In more “breakups that make you want to punch a cherub and cry for the death of true love” news (served in several puffy layers of sarcasm), Heidi Klum and that bodyguard who went from protecting her and her family to protecting her coochie with his peen have broken up and they’re fucking done professionally and personally. A source (I’m guessing Heidi’s publicist’s first name is Source, it’s Norwegian) tells People that after a year and a half of living the basic cable, low-budget version of The Bodyguard, Heidi and Martin WhateverHisNameIsItDoesntMatter are no longer together and he’s no longer on her payroll. Heidi is free to fornicate with other members of the help! One day you’re in Heidi’s cooch, the next day you’re out.

“Martin was there for her during a challenging time in her life and it was something she will always be grateful for. They are no longer working together.”

“Martin was there for her during a challenging time in her life” is such a professional way of saying “Martin’s rebound dick was good and he fucked the pain of her marriage ending right out of her and she and her vagine will always be grateful to him for that.” The bad news for Martin is that he’s out of a job and had to move out of Heidi’s mansion. The good news is that he never married Heidi’s ass and so he doesn’t have to suffer through the pain of renewing his vows with her every goddamn painful year.

“1-2-4-3 None Of These Chicks Look Better Than Me!”

“Out of the way hags, a truly beautiful woman is coming through” was shouted at Sports Illustrated’s 50th Anniversary party in L.A. last night when Steven Tyler sashayed on through and showed the likes of Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, Ty Ty Banks, furniture mogul Kathy Ireland, Rebecca Romjin, Heidi Klum and Cheryl Tiegs how raw sex is really done. While looking like a Dark Crystal puppet that escaped out of the Jim Henson factory to fulfill its lifelong dream of working as a Linda Perry circa 1991 impersonator, Steven desecrated hos left and right with his glamour. If you ever want to see Kate Upton burst into a tsunami of tears and run toward the exit while questioning her entire existence, put this Honest John-looking hot bitch in front of her. She will go from thinking she’s hot shit to thinking she’s just shit.

And since every bad bitch beauty needs a battle song, this song was obviously playing in his head as he looked all those supermodels up and down:

Steven Tyler took the night, day, morning and everything in between!

Pics: Wenn.com