PICTURE IT! September 5, 2022. Doomed dumpster fire flick, Don’t Worry Darling, has its premiere at Venice Film Festival. The entire cast shows up, even elusive lead actress Florence Pugh, who clearly hates director Olivia Wilde with every fiber of her being. But on this evening, Miss Flo isn’t the one to cause the drama. It’s lead actor/Olivia’s soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles. Footage shows Harry entering the screening to take a seat beside co-star Chris Pine. Right before he sits down, he appears to spit into Chris’ lap. Chris looks down (at the alleged loogie?), stops clapping, and smirks to himself. Soon, the Internet is ablaze with slo-mo video analyses, alternate theories, and endless jokes. Both Chris and Harry’s reps immediately deny the allegations, but it doesn’t do much to stop the memes. For two-and-a-half glorious days, Spitgate 2022 reaches absolutely insane heights. Surely, this is the biggest story of the year! Until September 8, when THE QUEEN dies! The world’s eyes shift from a theater in Venice to a coffin in England. Now, six months later, Chris Pine is telling his side of the story to Esquire. And, unfortunately for Spitgate truthers, he’s denying everything.
Not really sure why, but 2022 has marked the return of the Revenge Dress, whatever that is. At least it’s a less gruesome resurgence than the Revenge Body Khloe Kardashian tried to bring back post-Tristan Thompson, whatever that means. But there is a time and a place for a Revenge Dress and apologies to Olivia Wilde, but it is not the People’s Choice Awards, whatever those are. However, according to E! News, Olivia channeled Princess Diana last night by having “her very own revenge dress movement” when she stepped out on the red carpet with her nipples showing for her
first second red carpet appearance since breaking up with Prince Harry (Styles) three years weeks ago. Now don’t get me wrong, showing your nipples is a great way to get revenge, but the PCAs? Against Him? Honey, no. Generally speaking, that angry bearded man with the gloves in that GIF is always right, but in this case, I’m gonna have to disagree and say that, at the People’s Choice Awards, for once, the rent is too damn low!
Pour one out for Fran Drescher because if anybody’s legacy is going to be tarnished by the Don’t Worry Darling Disaster of 2022, it’s Fran who has lost the distinction of being the most loquacious professional child care provider of the modern era. Even worse, nowadays, when someone mentions “the nanny” in passing, they’re gonna have to be more specific- like are we walking about the show or Olivia Wilde and Jason Sedeikis’ nanny because either way, yeah, quite a mouth on her, eh? The Daily Mail published a third installment of their What Me Worry? interview with No, Not That The Nanny, who now claims that Florence Pugh hooked up with Harry Styles before Olivia did, and that is what really drove a wedge between Miss Flo and Miss Oh?. Mr. Him? could not be reached for comment.
Olivia Wilde Is Getting Called Out For Changing Her Tune About The Importance Of The Sex Scenes In “Don’t Worry Darling”
You would think that after Don’t Worry Darling’s astonishing success at the Venice Film Festival (I’M BEING SERIOUS, YOU GUYS, IT WAS ASTONISHING), Olivia Wilde might want a little break from the intense media scrutiny leading up to the film’s release, but apparently nah. Olivia’s got her nipple out for the cover of Elle magazine’s Women in Hollywood issue, and that’s not all she’s serving. She’s also serving “the media” their ass for focusing on the sex scenes in DWD and “overshadowing everything else that the movie’s about,” in agreement with comments her star Florence Pugh made to Harper’s Bizarre in August, but contradicting what she herself said a few days later in Variety. Olivia also reiterated her “no assholes” policy saying, “we let go of people who aren’t kind all the time,” and swears she hasn’t “abandoned her children” in a hot car, one of which I believe!
“Incel Hero” Jordan Peterson Cried When Asked About Olivia Wilde Modeling Chris Pine’s “Don’t Worry Darling” Character After Him
One of the scarier subcultures to come out of the batshit crazy political climate we’ve been living through are “incels,” or basically a group of angry, conservative, undesirable men whining on the internet about being utterly unfuckable and how it’s all women’s fault. Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, a Canadian psychologist, often spews rhetoric the incels agree with and makes them feel smart when regurgitating his blather, so he’s emerged as a leader of the incel community. And because Don’t Worry Darling accounts for 97% of all current drama, here we are. Olivia Wilde, still making the rounds promoting DWD–now talking about the actual film rather than the conflicts in the cast and crew–recently said that she based Chris Pine’s character, Frank, around “insane, pseudo-intellectual hero” Jordan Peterson. Jordan recently appeared on Piers Morgan Uncensored and broke down in tears when asked his thoughts about inspiring the unsavory character.
Now that Do Shut Up, Darling has been released to middling reviews, you’d expect stories about the behind-the-scenes drama to stop leaking. But no! Like a wad of spit directed at Chris Pine, the news continues to come hard, wet, and fast. We’ve now got a new rumor about the relationship between Olivia Wilde and Florence Pugh. Yesterday, Vulture posted a piece on the behind-the-scenes drama of the movie and said that there was an on-set “screaming match” between Olivia and Florence. Two rich women yelling at each other? This is Andy Cohen’s bat signal! He’ll get to the bottom of this!