PICTURE IT! September 5, 2022. Doomed dumpster fire flick, Don’t Worry Darling, has its premiere at Venice Film Festival. The entire cast shows up, even elusive lead actress Florence Pugh, who clearly hates director Olivia Wilde with every fiber of her being. But on this evening, Miss Flo isn’t the one to cause the drama. It’s lead actor/Olivia’s soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles. Footage shows Harry entering the screening to take a seat beside co-star Chris Pine. Right before he sits down, he appears to spit into Chris’ lap. Chris looks down (at the alleged loogie?), stops clapping, and smirks to himself. Soon, the Internet is ablaze with slo-mo video analyses, alternate theories, and endless jokes. Both Chris and Harry’s reps immediately deny the allegations, but it doesn’t do much to stop the memes. For two-and-a-half glorious days, Spitgate 2022 reaches absolutely insane heights. Surely, this is the biggest story of the year! Until September 8, when THE QUEEN dies! The world’s eyes shift from a theater in Venice to a coffin in England. Now, six months later, Chris Pine is telling his side of the story to Esquire. And, unfortunately for Spitgate truthers, he’s denying everything.
Not really sure why, but 2022 has marked the return of the Revenge Dress, whatever that is. At least it’s a less gruesome resurgence than the Revenge Body Khloe Kardashian tried to bring back post-Tristan Thompson, whatever that means. But there is a time and a place for a Revenge Dress and apologies to Olivia Wilde, but it is not the People’s Choice Awards, whatever those are. However, according to E! News, Olivia channeled Princess Diana last night by having “her very own revenge dress movement” when she stepped out on the red carpet with her nipples showing for her
first second red carpet appearance since breaking up with Prince Harry (Styles) three years weeks ago. Now don’t get me wrong, showing your nipples is a great way to get revenge, but the PCAs? Against Him? Honey, no. Generally speaking, that angry bearded man with the gloves in that GIF is always right, but in this case, I’m gonna have to disagree and say that, at the People’s Choice Awards, for once, the rent is too damn low!
“Incel Hero” Jordan Peterson Cried When Asked About Olivia Wilde Modeling Chris Pine’s “Don’t Worry Darling” Character After Him
One of the scarier subcultures to come out of the batshit crazy political climate we’ve been living through are “incels,” or basically a group of angry, conservative, undesirable men whining on the internet about being utterly unfuckable and how it’s all women’s fault. Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, a Canadian psychologist, often spews rhetoric the incels agree with and makes them feel smart when regurgitating his blather, so he’s emerged as a leader of the incel community. And because Don’t Worry Darling accounts for 97% of all current drama, here we are. Olivia Wilde, still making the rounds promoting DWD–now talking about the actual film rather than the conflicts in the cast and crew–recently said that she based Chris Pine’s character, Frank, around “insane, pseudo-intellectual hero” Jordan Peterson. Jordan recently appeared on Piers Morgan Uncensored and broke down in tears when asked his thoughts about inspiring the unsavory character.
Olivia Wilde Insists That Harry Styles Didn’t Spit On Chris Pine At The Venice Film Festival Screening Of “Don’t Worry Darling”
During her most recent stop on the Don’t Worry Darling “It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine” tour, director, Olivia Wilde, appeared on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and talked about most of the on-set and press stop drama that’s pretty much consumed all conversation (except that of DWD’s cinematographer) about the film. One of the more intriguing events that she decided to address was if actors Harry Styles and Chris Pine were spatting resulting in Harry spitting on Chris’ lap while taking his seat at the Venice Film Festival. According to Olivia, despite it looking like it in the video, “Spit-Gate” is an untrue figment of the internet’s imagination.
Matthew Libatique, The Cinematographer For “Don’t Worry Darling,” Says That The Set Was “Harmonious”
Never in modern film-making has any film’s cast and crew seemed more deserving of a Real Housewives-type reunion hosted by Andy Cohen than Don’t Worry Darling. The film has continued to deliver rumors and drama from casting all the way to its press tour. I’d envision Olivia Wilde and star/boyfriend Harry Styles seated next to Andy on one couch, with the placement of Florence Pugh, Chris Pine, Nick Kroll, Kiki Layne, and Gemma Chan up in the air. Secret guest? Shia LaBeouf walking out screaming unintelligibly from backstage, enlarged texts from Olivia receipts in hand. However, Don’t Worry Darling’s cinematographer, Matthew Libatique, recently said that the set was the “most harmonious” he’s ever been on, so maybe we’ve all just been duped into salivating over the alleged behind-the-scenes entertainment this yet-to-be-released film has already provided us.
…And then there was one. Gemma Chan is the golden angel floating high above the smoldering embers of the Don’t Worry Darling Express which flew off the tracks in some suburban desert near Bakersfield and somehow landed, still ablaze and spewing toxic fumes, all the way in Chris Pine’s lap at the film’s Venice Film Festival premiere. Gemma probably slept like a baby last night as her costars Chris, Florence Pugh, Harry Styles, and Nick Kroll, and her director Olivia Wilde were still stumbling around the wreckage in a daze with Olivia looking for Harry, Harry looking for a clue, Nick looking for chapstick, Chris still looking for his sunglasses and Miss Flo looking for a refill on her Aperol Spritz. Somebody call 311, there’s been a beautiful disaster!