The Excess Of Fashion At The BAFTA Awards Puts A Spotlight On An Emerging Crisis

If I’ve learned anything covering awards shows over the past few years, it’s that we, as a society, need to wake up and realize that we are on the verge of a cataclysmic sea-change that threatens to collapse all that we hold dear about awards shows. Forget global warming; there’s nothing we can do about that now (sorry, Greta et al). The peril we currently face has nothing to do with carbon emissions. André Leon Talley tried to warm us of this impending disaster. But did we listen? No. And now, tragically, we’ve allowed a dangerous build-up of too much fashion to occur. Right before our very eyes. And if something isn’t done to mitigate this awards fashion disaster, immediately, we risk losing the very carpet upon which they play out. I don’t even think Andre, in all his great wisdom, could have predicted that (still?) it-girl Anya Taylor-Joy would be personally responsible for 68% of the noxious plumes of excess fashion at last night’s BAFTA Awards, the runoff of which is polluting the Thames with a literal blanket of velvety tan sludge.

Those poor unfortunate soles. Not to mention the already endangered cucumber smelling smelt! But there’s plenty of blame to go around. Anya’s not the only one who flew in on an invisible private jet. Notorious serial polluter, Florence Pugh, reminded us that not all poisonous gases are odorless and colorless. Sometimes they reek of rot so strongly that you can actually see the fumes wafting from them. Some might call this a “halo effect,” but in environmental circles it’s known as a “Hail No, Miss Flo!”

Do you know how many crimping irons had to die for this look? Somebody call PETS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Styling Equipment) immediately! Now, everybody knows that disposable diapers are terrible for the environment, and Olivia Cooke is no exception. However, when it comes to the current crisis at hand, cloth diapers are no better. Even if you sew them yourself out of up-cycled straight jackets donated by the Bedlem Royal Lunatic Asylum. In fact, they’re worse. I think even Olivia herself knows that.

This is the same far-away look Drake gets when he’s looking at himself in the mirror on one of his six-minute PJ flights. Sadly, it’s not just the birds in the air and the fish in the sea who suffer our surfeit of fashion. Our planet’s insect life suffers too. We know the bees have got it bad, but have you stopped to think about the thousands of spiders who had to have their tiny little balls milked to produce enough jizz to make this pearl necklace Lily James wore so blithely?

You can’t tell me her stylist couldn’t have put in a few calls to Andrew Garfield and Tom Holland‘s people for some locally sourced, man-made spider jizz. This was a choice! After what I’ll call last night’s Cheerio Chernobyl, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to reverse the rising tide of fashion we’ve allowed to sneak up on us, one ill-begotten bow at a time. But I do know we shouldn’t give up hope. That said, here’s a further survey of the retinal damage that’s been done.

Pics: Dutch Press Photo/Cover Image