Cursing is the great equalizer. From the lowliest pauper to the wealthiest business magnate, there’s nothing like unleashing a huge FUUUUCK to express the deepest and most complicated of your emotions. However, there is a time and place for cussin’. One of those places is not Sesame Street. Someone could’ve told Julia Louis-Dreyfus that because there’s video evidence of her letting out a quick “shit!” in front of our favorite Muppets.
I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
There are many things I would like to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus announce on social media. Like that Veep won’t actually be done after the seventh season, and instead will continue for a long, long time, or at least until it has been decided that Selina and Gary will get their own spin-off called Hopelessly De-Voted to You. But because cancer is the type of awful disease to come after the good ones, Julia’s announcement is the extremely depressing kind.
History was made Sunday night, and, no, it wasn’t from Leah Remini’s record-setting 800-meter clapback dash to the nearest exit when Scientologist Elisabeth Moss took home the Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series Emmy!
It’s not unusual for award show speeches to be the kind that start out all breathless with a “Wow wow wow!” and end with a corny joke about how it’s time for their kids watching at home to go to bed. But since Trump is in a race against himself to be the worst human alive with a fountain pen, the tone of the speeches at the SAG Awards last night was a whole lot more serious.
When Anna Chlumsky came strolling up the red carpet of the Emmys last night in an ensemble Michael accurately described as looking very bed in a bag, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone in a set of deluxe full/queen sheets sashayed behind her. And that person was Kristen Bell. To be honest, I don’t know who hit the red carpet first, Kristen or Anna. It’s a real “Which came first, the sheets or the duvet” situation.
Regardless, Kristen is doing just as much for me as Anna’s look was. Maybe more, actually, because I’ve always loved a printed bed sheet. I don’t know if everyone did this, but when I was a kid, I used to make my bed with my sheets pattern-side-down. That way, when I made my bed and pulled back my comforter, you got a subtle hint of my elegant bed linens (ie. my Little Mermaid sheets). I felt so classy, like “I bet this is how Margo from Punky Brewster does her bed.” But while I love Kristen’s expensive floral sheet dress, I don’t know if many of us would want to sleep on it. I think I see beading, and I’m pretty sure none of us would want to roll over in the middle of the night and land cheek-first on a cluster of sharp glass beads.
Of course, the cherry on top of a formal bedding situation has got to be the useless satin runner that lives at the foot of the bed. Luckily, Sarah Hyland has got us covered.