Category: Cynthia Erivo

Open Post: Hosted By The Full Trailer For Disney’s Live-Action Remake Of “Pinocchio”

August 25, 2022 / Posted by:

I still haven’t seen Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis but after covering it at length, I think I get the basics. Block headed boy is taken under the wing of an elderly stage manager type with suspicious motives and a broadly “European” accent played by Tom Hanks who pulls his strings to make him sing and dance which he’s not really good at until he meets a Black musician who animates his hips and the boy gets super famous and runs off to live a life of and debauchery and adventure before ultimately dying alone on the shitter. Have I got that right or did I just describe to you the entire plot of Robert ZemeckisPinocchio? I’d argue both are correct.

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Here’s Tom Hanks As Geppetto In The Teaser Trailer For Disney’s Live-Action “Pinocchio”

May 31, 2022 / Posted by:

I’ve already seen 1971’s The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio which is the only live-action Pinocchio I ever need to see, but since Disney didn’t get paid for that one they’re doing it themselves. In the first teaser trailer for Disney’s Pinocchio, Tom Hanks ditches the Flemish accent from Elvis in favor of a House of Geppetto accent as a creepy old man who gets on his hands and knees and wishes on a star for his wooden puppet to be transformed into a real boy knowing damn well every legitimate adoption agency in the world probably has his picture posted on the wall with the caption “DO NOT ADOPT TO THIS MAN. If you see him, please contact the F.B.I.

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Cynthia Erivo And Ariana Grande Will Star In The “Wicked” Movie

November 5, 2021 / Posted by:

Last night Lea Michele was trending on Twitter so I knew instantly that she had lost another role to someone. She doesn’t trend unless she is shitting in a wig or losing roles. I soon found that 34-year-old Cynthia Erivo and 28-year-old Ariana Grande have been cast in the movie version of the Broadway musical hit Wicked, which Jon M. Chu will direct. And while everyone is plugging their ears in anticipation of Lea Michele scream-crying about losing out on another dream role, somebody should check on Dove Cameron too.

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Glamour, Thy Name Is Oscars

February 10, 2020 / Posted by:

I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.

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Lena Waithe And Her Wife Are Splitting After Just Two Months Of Marriage Amid Rumors She Might Have Cheated With Cynthia Erivo

January 24, 2020 / Posted by:

Just two months ago, Lena Waithe (actor, writer, and producer) and her girlfriend Alana Mayo (producer and former VP at Paramount) announced that they had secretly gotten married on a whim when they were driving by San Francisco City Hall. Cut to Wednesday and Lena and Alana are releasing a joint statement announcing their impending divorce. I was not aware that lesbians and U-haul jokes worked in reverse! According to Bossip, rumors are now swirling that the quickie marriage and subsequent quickie dis-marriage were due to “multiple instances of Lena’s infidelity.” And there are also rumors that Lena yelled “To freedom!” as she dove on top of Harriet Tubman herself, Cynthia Erivo.

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A Hollywood Exec Wanted To Cast Julia Roberts As Harriet Tubman In The 90s

November 20, 2019 / Posted by:

Scarlett Johansson woke up this morning and was fuming after seeing that Julia Roberts trended last night because it was revealed that Julia had been one Hollywood executive’s first choice to play black slavery abolitionist, Harriet Tubman. Well, I have good news for you, Scarlett. This actually happened a long time ago. I’m sure now you were second choice after Cynthia Erivo. Next time!

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