Today in “HA!”, E! has announced they’ve replaced their recently departed red carpet host Giuliana Rancic with THEE Laverne Cox. Laverne will take over beginning with the 2022 awards season, and will also host a series of celebrity interview specials. OK, let’s call it: Laverne is the next Joan Rivers/Baba Wawa. NOT the next Giuliana Rancic. Nobody should ever be the next Giuliana Rancic.
The reckless, back-alley rage-hump between Cruella de Vil and a busted fire ant, Giuliana Rancic, is packing up her glittery kit bag of shifty, filterless bleats and leaving the E! red carpet for greener pastures at NBCUniversal for what sounds like fuckery behind the camera this time.
I didn’t know until just now that the tight little struggle tufts of a trash-trodden carpet could cry tears of joy, or that Zendaya‘s hair was prone to dancing fluttery little pirouettes when it was happy, but here we are. According to People, Giuliana loves to tell stories that aren’t centered in half-assed damage control. Who knew?
I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
E! News’s inadvertent Norma Rae, Catt Sadler, took her blowout elsewhere when she found out that her male co-host Jason Kennedy was making way more money than her at the same job and wasn’t compensated appropriately when she brought it up to her bosses. E! is now reporting that they’ve decided to hire back the racially insensitive gal that Catt replaced! It’s like cleaning up dog shit by dumping the contents of a full litter box on it. Innovative!
As everyone knows, tonight’s Golden Globes red carpet (wait, why isn’t the carpet wearing black too? Traitor ass!) is all about standing in solidarity against the Harvey Weinsteins of the world. The question “Who are you wearing?” was a bad phrase tonight and if a trick dared to ask it, they’d probably get pummeled with stones on the spot.
The entertainment reporter robots at E! had to be reprogrammed to stay away from “fluff” and ask more serious questions, like about Time’s Up. So when Debra Messing strolled up to Giuliana Rancic’s mic, she talked about why nearly everyone was wearing black, and then she dragged the network that Giuliana works for by shaking her head over the Catt Sadler situation. Catt Sadler left E! News because her bosses refused to pay her as much as co-host Jason Kennedy, who made double. Debra got into the gender wage gap issue and took that opportunity to spit on Giuliana’s mic (I wish she did for real) about Catt Sadler.
“We want diversity, we want intersectional gender parity, we want equal pay. I was so shocked to hear that E! doesn’t believe in paying their female co-hosts the same as their male co-hosts. I mean, I miss Catt Sadler. We stand with her and that’s something that can change tomorrow. We want people to start having this conversation that women are just as valuable as men.”
Giuliana pretty much said shit and you could practically see the tangled up macrame plant hanger she called a ponytail shake with nervousness over how to respond.
Debra Messing drags E! (while being interviewed on E!): "I was so shocked to hear that E! doesn't believing in paying their female co-hosts the same as their male co-hosts" pic.twitter.com/HF3B2uhwtF
— David Mack (@davidmackau) January 7, 2018
Now if only Debra slid over to Ryan’s mic and brought up the rumored sexual harassment allegation against him. I really want to see the smoke blow out of the animatronic leprechaun’s ears right before he malfunctions and shuts down.
Even though Fashion Police has survived in some form or fashion after Joan Rivers’ passing in 2014, it hasn’t really felt the same since none of the remaining cast knows how to tell a good dry pussy joke. The execs at E! must long for those days because they’ve decided to cancel the show and send it off with a farewell next month. Continue reading