I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
E! News’s inadvertent Norma Rae, Catt Sadler, took her blowout elsewhere when she found out that her male co-host Jason Kennedy was making way more money than her at the same job and wasn’t compensated appropriately when she brought it up to her bosses. E! is now reporting that they’ve decided to hire back the racially insensitive gal that Catt replaced! It’s like cleaning up dog shit by dumping the contents of a full litter box on it. Innovative!
As everyone knows, tonight’s Golden Globes red carpet (wait, why isn’t the carpet wearing black too? Traitor ass!) is all about standing in solidarity against the Harvey Weinsteins of the world. The question “Who are you wearing?” was a bad phrase tonight and if a trick dared to ask it, they’d probably get pummeled with stones on the spot.
The entertainment reporter robots at E! had to be reprogrammed to stay away from “fluff” and ask more serious questions, like about Time’s Up. So when Debra Messing strolled up to Giuliana Rancic’s mic, she talked about why nearly everyone was wearing black, and then she dragged the network that Giuliana works for by shaking her head over the Catt Sadler situation. Catt Sadler left E! News because her bosses refused to pay her as much as co-host Jason Kennedy, who made double. Debra got into the gender wage gap issue and took that opportunity to spit on Giuliana’s mic (I wish she did for real) about Catt Sadler.
“We want diversity, we want intersectional gender parity, we want equal pay. I was so shocked to hear that E! doesn’t believe in paying their female co-hosts the same as their male co-hosts. I mean, I miss Catt Sadler. We stand with her and that’s something that can change tomorrow. We want people to start having this conversation that women are just as valuable as men.”
Giuliana pretty much said shit and you could practically see the tangled up macrame plant hanger she called a ponytail shake with nervousness over how to respond.
Debra Messing drags E! (while being interviewed on E!): "I was so shocked to hear that E! doesn't believing in paying their female co-hosts the same as their male co-hosts" pic.twitter.com/HF3B2uhwtF
— David Mack (@davidmackau) January 7, 2018
Now if only Debra slid over to Ryan’s mic and brought up the rumored sexual harassment allegation against him. I really want to see the smoke blow out of the animatronic leprechaun’s ears right before he malfunctions and shuts down.
Even though Fashion Police has survived in some form or fashion after Joan Rivers’ passing in 2014, it hasn’t really felt the same since none of the remaining cast knows how to tell a good dry pussy joke. The execs at E! must long for those days because they’ve decided to cancel the show and send it off with a farewell next month. Continue reading
While watching E!’s awkward and messy red carpet coverage, I nearly put my bong away, because I got secondhand high, drunk and whatever from Matt LeBlanc. (But then I quickly clenched my bong like it was 9″ dick, because I remembered that I still had more Giuliana Rancid interviews to get through.)
The generic brand Ryan Seacrest (which is saying a lot since Ryan Seacrest is the generic brand Ryan Seacrest) called Jason Kennedy asked Matt LeBlanc some stupid questions on the Emmy red carpet and Joey Tribbiani was the opposite of thrilled to be there. But when Jason mentioned that Emilia Clarke, who plays that dragon chick on Game of Thrones, was with Giuliana at that very moment, he got a body boner and perked up. Emilia fangirled over Matt when they were on The Graham Norton Show together a few months ago.
Jason asked Matt if he watches GoT, and he went full creepy uncle when he said that he watched it the first season and stopped, but needs to catch up, because “that’s when she started getting naked.” I could practically hear his tip get moist when he said that. Matt IS that gross uncle who tells you that you’re really filling out and always tries to peck you on the mouth.
— Hollywood Reporter (@THR) September 18, 2016
Emilia laughed it off and said, “I’ve watched Friends. I don’t remember him getting naked, though.”
I blame Ryan Seacrest’s Sunday night understudy for this! If Jason Kennedy never asked Matt LeBlanc about GoT, I would not have the image of him going home tonight to watch GoT while fucking a dragon Fleshlight, and you know he’ll keep his Ray-Bans on. Damn you, SeacrestBot 2.0.
And here’s Emilia looking like a fancy condom and Giuliana looking like Miss Havisham’s mothball-covered curtains at the Emmys tonight.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Having to stand and talk to Giuliana Rancic on that hot-as-fuck Emmy red carpet last night sounds like the epitome of HELL to me, so I’m genuinely shocked that most famous types didn’t pull an “I don’t know her” as they hauled ass indoors and started humping the nearest AC vent. Thankfully some people, like American Horror Story’s Sarah Paulson, thought ahead and brought their own shade.
Sarah stopped and talked to Clippy’s sister, and the heat truly removes all fucks from one’s system, because their interview was just one giant “No, bitch” moment. Shortly after Giuliana reminded everyone that Sarah has been nominated – and lost – four times, she asked Sarah (who was nominated for playing conjoined twins Bette and Dot on AHS: Freak Show) if she’ll get two Emmy awards if she wins. Rather than look at her in the face and low-whisper “Are you serious?“, Sarah gifted us with this beautiful soul hug:
Sarah Paulson with an outstanding subtweet of Giuliana Rancic. pic.twitter.com/45KEpgPwH3
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 20, 2015
Did anyone think to check Giuliana for frostbite, because that was ice cold. “No, sorry sweetie” PLUS that voice? Even shade queen Jessica Lange is slow-clapping for that one. Of course, Sarah didn’t win (Regina King did instead), but she took home an even better award: Outstanding Achievement in Making Shit Awkward with Giuliana Rancic. “Welcome to the club!” hollered Elisabeth Moss.
Here’s more of the Luke to Jessica Lange’s Yoda, as well as Giuliana in some low-budget JLo cosplay on the red carpet last night.