There is a new member to the Kobe and Vanessa Bryant family and it’s not a $4 million dollar “whoops I cheated” ring. Instead, it’s a baby girl named Capri Kobe Bryant. I guess it’s been so long since Kobe publicly cheated on his wife, he’s getting babies names after him. Good on him!
I’m starting to suspect that Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden is playing life like a game of Messy Famous Son Bingo. Hunter was kicked out of the military for coke use. He was allegedly busted with an Ashley Madison account. He hooked up with his brother’s widow (while he was still married to his first wife). He married his new girlfriend in the same month it was reported that he’d split from his brother’s widow.
And now an Arkansas woman, who is neither his brother’s widow nor his current wife, claims he’s the father of her baby. I think we just got a bingo?
Crazed asshole person Chris Brown has reportedly graced ex-girlfriend, Karrueche Tran look-alike Ammika Harris’s womb with an incipient human who will hopefully have the sort of absentee dad who only calls on Christmas and birthdays, according to Page Six. What’s the alternative – illegal wild animals as presents and tattooed clown daddy allegedly throwing his drugs out the window because the cops are trying to bust on in?
What a great way to learn about daddy! It seems you don’t need to be a poorly-sex-educated person with a secret lover who’s free in the middle of the day to get the “You ARE the father!” treatment–you just need a secret lover! A former Romanian Prince, Nicholas Medforth-Mills, has learned–after years of denying it–that he in fact IS the father of a now-3-year-old daughter. Nicholas found out after he was forced into a paternity test, which is my personal favorite method of lineage revelation. I find it highly elegant. Like performance art, except it’s just messy real life.
My predictive powers are unmatched. Back in January, when they announced they were having a baby, I predicted that we’d all forget that Kate Mara and Jamie Bell were a couple until the baby was born. Be honest with me now, did you forget? I sure did! Well I’m here to remind you that they are still very much an item, and they just had a baby girl.
Sarah Palin is pouring herself an extra-strong moose-mosa today, because she’s about to be a grandma for the sixth and seventh time. She’s probably already on Amazon searching for little tiny blinged-out Ski-Doo jackets for her future lil’ slednecks. She better keep a tab open so that when those babies are born, they can pick themselves up a couple of onesies that read: In Case I Get Lost During A Messy Family Party, Please Return Me To ____.