Glamour, Thy Name Is Oscars

I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.

Here are Song Kang-ho, Cho Yeo-jeong, Lee Jeong-eun, Lee Sun-kyun, Park So-dam, Choi Woo-shik, Jang Hye-jin, and Park Myeong-hoon (I think, photo agencies have just been listing all these actors as “Bong Joon-ho and the cast of Parasite.”)

The cast of #Parasite, nominated for 6 #Oscars tonight, has arrived! See all of tonight's red carpet looks: https://t.co/ubGvE6CbLD pic.twitter.com/bwIv72waD3

— E! News (@enews) February 9, 2020

As distracting as Blac Chyna’s murdered Muppet epaulets are, they have nothing on Kristen Wiig’s Winged Maxi Pad. This is what happens when sanitary pad advertisers get real and swap out the blue fluid for a more realistic representation of a heavy flow day. Or maybe Kristen was inspired by an exotic squid she saw while snorkeling in the Caribbean! Either way, those side ruffles look so much like crepe paper that my skin is crawling thinking about that weird crepe paper squeak.

Speaking of ruffles, there’s a right way to do them (which is never) and a wrong way. Kelly Ripa is doing them very wrong. This dress is conceptually and anatomically confusing. I’m trying to picture what’s going on underneath. How long is her torso? Does she have legs or is she standing on top of a giant tortoise? I feel like if you lifted her skirt we’d find Kelly Ripa is powered by hidden mechanical spider legs.

That said, I did love Janelle Monae‘s silver soothsayer cloak, Brie Larson‘s caped dress reminds me of Lauren Bacall, I’d elect Julia Louis-Dreyfus to just about any office, Regina King looked peachy keen, and I didn’t know I needed a sequined caftan until I saw Maya Rudolph‘s. Enjoy the rest of the looks from the Oscar’s red carpet in the gallery below.