I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
While, as Michael already pointed out, Prince’s eyes are probably still rolling in their grave after Usher gave him a tribute (still better than what Usher has given to people in the past) at last night’s Grammy Awards, there was one thing that Prince could be proud of. Prince’s fashion DNA was all over the red carpet, right down to the bare asscheeks. The men were having fun at the Grammys, outshining the women with looser expressions of gender and daring accessories. Let the girly-girls like Ariana Grande have their beautiful gowns. With the exception of the Jonas Brothers, the men of the red carpet took risks that paid dividends (the Jonas bros’ bronzed blazers with wives as accessories should file for fashion bankruptcy). Sorry ladies, its the guys time to shine. We already know what boobs look like.
Not that long ago, the legendary Nina Bo’nina Brown uttered the words, “I shoulda been Blac Chyna.” Rob Kardashian recently filed the type of legal documents that would have you believing he’d feel more comfortable leaving his daughter Dream with Nina in Blac Chyna drag than Blac Chyna herself. Rob has accused Chyna of being violent and a drunk, and that he should be Dream’s primary guardian. Sources close to Chyna have spoken to TMZ about Rob’s allegations, and they claim Chyna has called bullshit on Rob’s alleged story.
When we last left the custody fight titled (in the voice of Martin Luther King Jr.) “I Want A Dream!” (may MLK Jr. slap me down for that one), Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna put down their shanks and agreed on custody and child support with both of them sharing 50/50 custody of their 3-year-old daughter Dream and Rob no longer having to pay Chyna $20,000 a month in support. Since this custody battle involved the messiest parties since the Montagues and Capulets (you know Romeo and Juliet’s custody fight would’ve been next level, they’re drama queens), it obviously wasn’t over. Rob is now claiming that right after Chyna put down her shank, she picked up a bottle of Hennessy as usual and chugged it like it was filled with the secret to relevancy while motioning to Dream with her hand to fetch her another bottle. TMZ says that Rob has filed documents asking to be Dream’s primary guardian, because Chyna’s house is The Drunk Cokehead’s Republic of Chyna.
The year is 2019, and there’s a teddy bear in Naughty by Nature. It’s as confusing a notion as it is a sentence to read. But these are the times we are living in. Time to accept that what once was in the past, will be revisiting us in the present (with a collection of random pop culture barnacles from The Time Tube attached), to confuse future generations. So now NBN (pictured above with their new bear Illtown Sluggaz and Redman) has a Kanye West style College Dropout teddy bear in it, and Treach has gone from excoriating his ex-wife Pepa (of Salt-N-Pepa fame) on Instagram, to parading around in bondage gear and issuing confusing handkerchief codes at the 2019 MTV Video Music Awards. Hip hop hooray?
You can always count on any BET red carpet to provide some high fashion “moments”, and last night’s BET Awards was no exception. The MET Gala would have been smart to reference “BET red carpet” when trying to get clueless celebrities to grasp the concept of camp. RuPaul’s zebra suit would have looked right at home given the profusion of sequins, pastels, neon, and sculptural pieces that walked the BET carpet. For example, take aspiring rapper/entrepreneur/wig maker to the stars Cliff Vmir (above). His title alone is plenty camp, but throw in a chartreuse vinyl jumpsuit and top it off with a day-glo Victorian fringed lampshade, you’ve got a weenie roast with s’mores for dessert.