I feel like if this was any other year, WAP by Cardi B. featuring Megan Thee Stallion would have made a juicy splash, been dubbed song of the summer, grinded to at the clerb and the beach, and been gone by the time the first shipment of pumpkin spice syrup left the warehouse on its way to Starbucks’ across the nation. Instead, we’re stuck in a (seemingly) never-ending cycle of WAP discourse which frankly has left my pussy dryer than Ben Shapiro’s wife’s. And now, WAP has debuted at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with 93 million U.S. streams in its first week. That’s “the most for any track ever in its first week of release,” which means we might be looking at many more months of wet pussy discourse. It’s like Groundhog Day and the groundhog just slid his slick head out of Cardi’s vagina like a crowning baby and announced 6 more weeks of excessive vaginal fluid.
Kanye West spent his Monday evening going after Kris Jenner’s parenting skills and accusing Kris of plotting with Kim Kardashian to have him locked up. On Tuesday night, he called her “Kris Jong-un.” Kim Kardashian spoke about Kanye’s actions, saying that he lives every day with bipolar disorder, and that things have been made more complicated by isolation in quarantine. So with that being said, plenty of people have accepted Kanye’s Twitter activity as a bi-polar moment playing out in real-time.
Blac Chyna, a long-time member of the Kardashian ESAPs (ex-spouses and partners), has released a statement regarding Kanye’s current situation. And she would like all of us to know that none of us should be writing off Kanye’s comments as just some random side-effect of his mental health struggles.
Blac Chyna is being called out for being a
shameless money grubbing lunatic hustler. Blac Chyna used to make her money from… unclear. It sure wasn’t Rob Kardashian‘s child support for Dream, because that dried up. Chyna was selling skin beach, and does a reality show on something called Zeus Network, and also pushes crap like Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram.
Well, during a pandemic, less people want to shit their way to a skinny body, so Chyna had to branch out. She took a page out of Tori Spelling‘s book, which sure doesn’t sound like a good choice financially. Chyna is selling FaceTime calls and social media follow backs. What a great thing to spend your stimulus check on!
And now for a wholesome (“You spent famewhoresome wrong” – everyone) tale from an extremely functional family.
Seriously though, the hands-down messiest couple in recent memory is at it again, throwing around accusations in court while a child sits in the middle. Rob Kardashian, sock designer to the stars, is claiming in court papers that his ex-fiancée, Blac Chyna is a crazed abuser.
Blac Chyna Called Child Services On Rob Kardashian After Their Daughter Dream Got Burned Twice While In His Care
And yes, she’s SHOCKED by all of this. Or that’s just her regular expression.
Of course the least-successful Kardashian, Rob Kardashian, and Harvard graduate, Blac Chyna, are continuing to slap at one another over the care of their 3-year-old daughter Dream. It seems Dream was burned while with Rob and you better believe Chyna has decided to use it to attack him for full custody. Honestly, I’m shocked that Dream hasn’t been burned before, because I’m sure the poor child’s skin starts smoking when Kris Jenner holds her with those flaming hot demon klaws.
I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.