While promoting the Barbie movie in the summer issue of Vogue, Barbie herself, Margot Robbie, says that Barbie could “never be sexy” because, as a doll, she doesn’t have sexual organs, which… can’t argue with her there. But this is Hollywood, so I’m sure that there will still be some sexiness in the new Barbie movie out in July. But one thing that will be completely missing from the film will be Gal Gadot, who Margot says would have made the perfect Barbie because no one hates her. Um… call Joss Whedon, he doesn’t think she can speak English.
At CinemaCon in Las Vegas this week, Sydney Sweeney wasn’t the only blondie in pink everyone had eyes on (and mostly to look to see if she’s got horny cheating hearts in her eyes for co-star Glen Powell), Margot Robbie was there in Pretty in Pink Prada (which included a unibrow for her boobs) to present Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie to theater owners. While looking like Body Wave Perm Ken, Ryan Gosling helped Margot and Greta Gerwig show new footage from their movie. In the new footage, our Barbie Girl’s Barbie World (shout out to Aqua, whose song unsurprisingly isn’t in the Barbie movie at all) is turned upside down when things (SPOILER ALERT) start to go wrong for her in BarbieLand, and she has to contemplate life in the real world and death. Barbie gets deep.
Last week, I posted about the trailer for Wes Anderson’s Asteroid City, a vision of pastel overload starring every working actor in Hollywood. And this week, I’m posting about Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie, a vision of pastel overload starring every working actor in Hollywood. But unlike Asteroid City, the Barbie movie is low on twee pretentiousness and high on Ryan Gosling’s nipples brushing up against a hot Magic Earring Ken jean vest (note to Wes Anderson: if you want to make Asteroid City more watchable, include a shot of Ryan Gosling’s nipples brushing up against a hot Magic Earring Ken jean vest in the final cut). In December, we got one Barbie teaser trailer, and today, they released teaser #2. I guess they just keep sticking the tip in. Well, as much as a flat-crotch’d plastic doll can stick the tip in.
And on top of the second teaser trailer, we got tons upon tons of character posters, including Michael Cera as Ken’s ginger friend Allan. FINALLY, Allan is getting his time in the shine, but did they really have to make him look like a sleazy frat boy turned sleazy investment banker?! Allan might be a Murdough.
In 2016 they offered us a live-action Barbie movie starring Amy Schumer and we said, “lol. No, thanks.” “Fine, Anne Hathatawy?,” they asked, and it being 2017 we said “look, we’re still trying to recover from Les Mis. Please leave us alone.” Then, like a year later, they said, “well, how about if Greta Gerwig writes and directs?” and we said, “whatever dudes, You do you.” Then they came back with “OK, so Greta’s definitely in and we are thinking Margot Robbie as Barbie? We getting warmer?” and we said, “we’re listening.” Then they said “Great! And as a reward for your patience, how about we give you Ryan Gosling as Ken” and we said “lol. OK, well in that case…”
Many get a case of hardened nipple knobs and moist tips over Ryan Gosling and I never really have until now! Just slap a bootleg Legend of Billie Jean wig onto his head, slather his skin with fake tan paint (in shade: Tang dream) and dress him in the finest clothes found in the clearance bin of a Miller’s Outpost circa 1989, and you’ve got instant hotness! Warner Bros. released the first pic of Ryan Gosling as Ken, in the Barbie movie and he looks like every generic bad boy in an 80s comedy. In other words, Ryan Gosling has never looked hotter!
If you thought that Greta Gerwig’s live-action Barbie movie co-written by Noah Baumbach and starring Margot Robbie was the result of a fever dream you had after smoking some Barbie OG while watching Lady Bird, it was not. It’s a real thing and it’s still happening. And well, real-life Ken Doll Matt Bomer can go ahead and dump all those bottles of Sun-In and hair bleach into the dumpster, because Ryan Gosling is probably going to be saying, “Hey Girl Barbie,” as Ken.