Last year, Rihanna delivered her first child, a son with A$AP Rocky, and the world wept because we finally understood we’re never getting new music from her again. That is unless she decides to create a few lullabies and nursery rhymes for Millennial parents. But aside from that, Rihanna has remained tight-lipped about her son’s first name while dragging us through an entire year and super second baby announcement for the reveal. And a huge part of me wishes she had waited even longer, mainly because she reportedly named him after an iconic 90s rapper whose group famously admitted that their music is 100% for the children (and no, she didn’t name him ODB, but she should have).
As is customary with only the male spawns of The Kardashians, when Khloé Kardashian and her on/off entanglement Tristan Thompson had a son via surrogate nine months ago, his privacy was of utmost importance, and they didn’t release his name to the public (see also: Aire, formerly Wolf Webster). But now, as the dawning of the third season of The Kardashians is almost upon us, and the Koven needs a kard to play, fuck anonymity, it’s time to leak that name!
As if having Elon Musk’s children wasn’t embarrassing enough, Grimes has changed her second child’s name to Y. Grimes tried to change the poor kid’s name to just “?” but the government wouldn’t allow it. Honestly, ? is a perfect name since it doubles as our reactions to this news. It also represents the look on teachers’ faces when they read their daughter’s name off of their clipboard for the first time. Actually, “?” just about sums up most of our feelings towards Grimes’ life choices in the past few years.
Paris Hilton revealed the name of her and Carter Reum’s baby boy, who was born via surrogate last month. And yes, Paris followed in the footsteps of her parents and named her kid after a city. Lemme guess… Mesquite? Shreveport? Boise? All gorgeous options. But Paris went with something that she felt symbolized life’s “disasters and triumphs”: Phoenix. Huh. I woulda gone with something more literal, like Warsaw, but you do you, Paris.
Kylie Jenner and her on-and-off-again piece/father of her two kids, Travis Scott, are off again, so he’s probably covered in tons of pussy today (“And that’s different from when he was with her how…?” asked you, making a point). So at the Schiaparelli Lukewarm Mess Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2023 in Paris today, Kylie showed that two tricks can play at the game by partly covering herself with a giant pussy. The other stuffed animals at the Disney store are definitely pouring one out for the poor plushie Mufasa who died just so he could be an accessory on a Kartrashian-DeJENNERate! But before Kylie Jenner delivered an all-cat look at the Schiaparelli show (see: that lion head, her kat klaw nails, and her serving “gassy Garfield trying to keep it sexy” in the face), she announced the replacement name for the baby boy she birthed out a year ago. Kylie and Travis have re-named their second child Aire. As for how you pronounce that, I figured “Aire” is just the exhausted exhale you make after hearing that Kylie Jenner gave her baby a name that sounds like a low-cost airline based in Europe. But according to Kylie herself, it’s simply pronounced AIR.
Internet sensation/walking meme Trisha Paytas has given birth to her and her husband Moses Hacmon’s first baby. It’s a girl! And they named their daughter… wait for it… Malibu Barbie. Yep, 34-year-old Trisha named her daughter after a Barbie doll from the ’70s. Hey, on the plus side, none of little Malibu’s classmates will get the reference, so the bullying could be minimal (but probably not).