Did somebody say FASHUN?!? Well, say it louder next time, I don’t think the folks in the back heard you over the din of shitfaced celebrities using the Golden Globes’ phenomenal flame out last year as an excuse to load up on free champagne, talk shit, and network with fellow survivors of the Great Los Angeles Deluge of 2023. However, a few stars heard the call to bare arms (regretfully, ladies only. Where was Timothée Chalamet with his scrumptious little back meats!?) and used the opportunity to challenge their stylists to come up with a look that simultaneously screams “I’m the greatest star” and “I am being pranked by my stylist, aren’t I.” Meanwhile, the real jackasses pulling one over on these celebrities are the goon-squad of aestheticians going around convincing them to donate their precious buccal fat reserves “for charity.” Sad truth is that only a tiny portion of their donations actually make it to starving children in need. Sorry, Wednesday‘s Jenna Ortega, your generous donation is now just padding for some ghoul’s pocket. Also, I think your parachute got a little turned around. Must have been the wind.
Few marks hit the mark as effortlessly as Claire Danes who braved the rain encased in one of those Easter sugar eggs that have a little pastoral diorama inside, except the only thing you’ll see inside her peep-hole is cold, hard sternum. Would it have killed her to draw a cute little duck or bunny in there?
I mean, it’s the Golden Globes, for christ’s sake! Not some beleaguered, made-up industry circle-jerk exploited by publicists to rehab their client’s images HEY LOOK, EVERYBODY IT’S BRAD PITT!
Claire’s dress was bad. I’m not gonna lie to you like her stylist, and apparently, her enchanted mirror did. Because as fair as Claire is, Anya Taylor-Joy was clearly, nay translucently, the fairest of them all. Poor thing didn’t get a chance to feed before the show, and now she’s going to have to ask her driver to hit up the In-N-Out drive-through on the way home so she can drain some PAs as they’re waiting in line. So don’t worry; she’ll pinken right up after a little A/B+, animal style.
Now, on the other hand, Natasha Lyonne definitely sucked on a few live rats in the limo on her ride over. She’s an industry vet, she knows not to show up hangry and risk draining Brad Pitt in front of a live audience. Not this year when all eyes are on him and he’s lost the ponytail that you used to be able to use as a fun little handle to pull for easier neck access, kind of like a Pez head. Still, Natasha is not to be fucked with. She’s a dangerous woman. A word to the wise; never let your guard down around a woman who will cut herself two different sets of bangs on a whim as she’s rushing out of the crib/crypt.
The Golden Globes weren’t the exclusive domain of Hollywood’s most blood-thirsty creatures of the night. Ana de Armas finally let go of her psychic connection to the ghost of Marilyn Monroe and wore a gown that exposed her tougher side; her motherboard. Risking short circuits and certain mechanical failure in the rain, Ana proudly stood in her truth. She’s a robot and she’s been programmed to slay. Homegirl, sorry, homebot puts the Art in Artificial Intelligence.
Just don’t call her Siri, mmkay? She’s a droid girl through and through. Plus, it would only confuse Tom Cruise further. Poor guy just found out his friend’s wife is missing! Enjoy some of the other highs (Quinta Brunson being gobbled up by the world’s most glamours bath pouf), lows (Lily James is already being cursed by the ghost of Pamela Anderson, and she’s not even dead), and the somewhere in-betweens (I have no idea what Emma D Arcy is up to, professionally or otherwise, but you can never lose with a brightly colored strangling glove) at the New And Improved 2023 Golden Globes feat. Brad Pitt.
Pics: DDP/INSTARimages.com/Cover Images