Joe ManJello’s Nipples Are Officially Off The Market

It felt like it was just yesterday when I was rolling my eyes while spitting out the words, “shameless stunt queen whores,” under my breath as I looked at Sofia Vergara and tall drink of muscles Joe Manganiello keep it totally natural and not-at-all choreographed in front of the paps. And now they’re married. I know, they’re really taking this PR stunt relationship all the way! That’s dedication! That’s how it’s done!

No, no, that’s just the bitterness and jealousy talking. I’m sure their love is completely natural and totally organic, and now they’re officially married to each other. People says that 43-year-old Sofia and 38-year-old Joe got married at The Breakers in Palm Beach, FL (aka the hotel from Heartbreakers) at around 7pm tonight in front of 400 guests including famous types like Reese Witherspoon, Channing Tatum, the entire cast of Modern Family, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Harvey Weinstein. I know, 7pm on a damn Sunday! Some of Sofia and Joe’s guests are probably working on their “ill voice,” because they’re going to need to call in sick tomorrow.

Sofia has already Instagrammed pictures from the wedding, and sadly, Joe is wearing clothes. I know, what’s the point of marrying Joe ManJello if you’re not going to marry him while he’s totally naked except for a bow tie wrapped around his peen?

Guests had to hand over their cell phones to security before the ceremony. But don’t worry, since Sofia’s hustle game is like no other, I’m sure we’ll soon find out every detail of the wedding. There will be 600 pictures in People, a cheap replica of Sofia’s wedding dress will be sold at Kmart, an exclusive Cover Girl perfume that captures the scent of their love will be created and you’ll be able to buy the model of the bed they fucked on as husband and wife at Rooms To Go.

Sofia and Joe became a thing last year after she broke up with that Onion Crunch mogul douche who is now suing her for the right to use their embryos.

I would say congratulations, but I’m not going to do that, because I hate Sofia Vergara!!! First of all, she gets to fuck on Joe ManJello regularly and second of all, he serenaded her with this beautiful song:

"know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." To @sofiavergara and @joemanganiello #sweetchildofmine #sweetloveofmine #loveofmylife #jofia #thecutestthing

A video posted by Valentina Micchetti (@valemicchetti) on Nov 21, 2015 at 10:47pm PST

Pics: Instagram

Take In The Smooth Sexiness Of It All: Adrien Brody At The Emmys

Thanks to the fact that the temperature in L.A. was about as hot as a newly-released fart lingering in the Heat Miser’s chonies, everybody who went to the Emmys yesterday probably made squishy sounds when they walked because of the pools of sweat jelly that formed on their crotch areas. Well, those pools of sweat jelly were definitely washed away by a wave of crotch cream when Adrien Brody sashayed onto the carpet looking like sex double-wrapped in smarmy and dipped in Brut.

Adrien and his signature douche pucker were at the Emmys, because he was nominated for Houdini and also because kissing history-making actresses at award shows is his thing. As I said earlier, Olivia Culpo nearly fainted on the red carpet, and she claims the heat did her in. But I bet she really got the faints when Adrien Brody flipped his glorious mane as he walked on by. Adrian looked like the kind of high-priced gigolo who takes his old lady clients to the opera, fingers them in the box (that line has two meanings) and makes them smell his fingers afterward. Swooooooon.

Here’s a million pictures of some of the dudes (including Damian Lewis, Joe ManJello and David Oyelowo) at the Emmys, but who cares about any of them. The only thing your eyes need is Adrien Brody giving you “stache-free Yanni in a fun house mirror” hotness.

Pics: Wenn.com

“Embryonic Lives Matter” Protesters Begged Sofia Vergara To Unfreeze Her Daughters

(Side note: Embryonic is a really good first name for a kid.)

Inside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, the ovary eggs of horny whores fried up while watching tall sack of muscles Joe ManJello thrust his crotch in Magic Mike XXL. Outside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, bored pro-life protesters (and paper and marker ink wasters) with nothing to do held up signs that read “Embryonic Lives Matter” and “Unfreeze Your Daughters,” because Sofia Vergara was there. Why does that make me want to sing (to the tune of Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart“), “Unfreeeeeeeeze your daughters, don’t let them be cold for-eeeeeh-vuuuur!”

As most of us know, Sofia Vergara’s clit sore of an ex, Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb, is suing her over the girl embryos they made while still together. Nick wants to implant the embryos in a surrogate and Sofia wants to keep them in the freezer like the 2-year-old bag of frozen peas I swear I’m going to make a side dish for dinner one of these days (no, I’m not). Nick, of course, got the pro-lifers on his side and they did his foolery work for him outside of the Magic Mike XXL premiere yesterday.

If those protesters are going to spend a chunk of their day protesting this kind of shit, they should at least bring some oomph to it. Or should I say, Nick Loeb should pay them more to bring some oomph to it. I mean:

She’s like, “This is not what I had in mind when Jenny asked me if I wanted to go to a big Hollywood premiere.”

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Universal Treasure Tim Curry Honored With A Lifetime Achievement Award On Tony Night

Almost three years ago, human jewel Tim Curry had a major stroke that left him in a bad way. Since then, humanity has been asking “Where the hell is Tim Curry to show these bitches how it’s really done?” and I think I asked that question out loud while watching Christopher Walken in NBC’s Peter Pan Live! Tim Curry has been laying low and recovering with the help of physical therapy. At last night’s Actors Fund Tony Awards Viewing Party in Los Angeles, Tim Curry rolled onto the red carpet to receive a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to making ass lips pucker by swishing, swaying and serving pure talent in Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Worst Witch, etc… etc…

Tim, who’s my favorite age (69), still has to use a wheelchair to get around, but he told Los Angeles Magazine during an interview about his lifetime achievement award from the Actors Fund that he’s doing okay.

Since your stroke you have made limited public appearances. How are you doing and are you looking forward to the Actors Fund event?
I’m doing well and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve done a few benefits for the Actors Fund and I think it’s a marvelous organization. I hope not to have to use it.

How important is your sense of humor to you?
Vital. Absolutely vital. It’s not tough to maintain. It is just part of my DNA.

When I woke up this morning, I saw all these headlines about how Tim Curry was honored at the Tonys. I drunkenly watched every single second of the Tonys (because as a gay dude who once lived in NYC I like to play a game of “Oh Shit, My Friend Totally Blew That One Chorus Boy In A Gay Bar Bathroom” while watching it) and I didn’t remember Tim Curry showing up at all. I almost looked up information for the nearest AA group, because I obviously have a problem if booze ate my memory of seeing a legend like Tim Curry at the Tonys. But after injecting coffee directly into my brain, I realized he was at a Tony viewing party. Tim should’ve been at the actual Tonys, though. They should’ve cut that ship wreck of a Finding Neverland performance and let Tim sing a Rocky Horror/Annie/The Worst Witch/Spamalot medley as he descended from above in his wheelchair. That’s what the Tonys needed.

Here’s a few more pictures of Tim Curry at the Actors Fund Tony Viewing Party. I also threw in a million pictures from the actual Tonys of Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and other Broadway legends like Gigi Hadid, Ashley Greene and that model who got naked in a Robin Thicke video.

Pics: Wenn.com

Behold, The Olsen Twins Surveying Their Kingdom

I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:

“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”

The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.

Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.

And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com