Category: I Can’t With You

Important Question: Would You Suck Dick So That Bottles Of Evian Could Be Delivered To Your Shady Boss’ Music Festival?

January 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Move over, Fiji Water Girl. Here cums Evian Dick Sucker!

As Mieka and C.J. have written about on this blog, Netflix and Hulu put out dueling documentaries on the flaming pile of millennial shit known as the Fyre Festival. Both docs show how imprisoned scammer Billy McFarland got way over his douche head and conned Bahamian locals, influencers, investors, and millennials with a musical festival that was supposed to be island luxury wrapped in hipster decadence, but turned out to be as luxurious as a dried-up cheese sandwich. Both docs are also getting shit on themselves, because Hulu paid Billy for his interview, and the Netflix one is produced by Jerry Media who helped promote Fyre Festival. With that being said, I’m sure that Netflix smugly declared that they won the Fyre Festival doc game when they saw footage of event producer Andy King admitting that he nearly sucked customs official dick for bottles of Evian. As someone who has been on a dick sucking date and only got tap water in a Denny’s mug, I’m looking at Andy like, “Oh you fancy huh?

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BREAKING NEWS: Kanye West Said Some Stupid Shit For Attention

May 1, 2018 / Posted by:

And here I am falling for it AGAIN.

If you missed the latest extra-large fart bubble of sad insanity that came out of Kanye West’s mouth during his visit to TMZ today, then might I suggest you keep on missing it and watch a much less gross and much more satisfying video by clicking here. But if you insist….

To get attention for his new albums and his self-published philosophy book on Twitter, Kanye has declared his love for his brother Donald Trump, told us that he loves the brain of Black Lives Matter hater Candace Owens, and did a 2-hour interview. But he really went for it today when he dropped into the offices of TMZ. Kanye said that since slavery lasted for 400 years, the slaves must’ve made the choice to remain slaves. Strangely enough, Kanye didn’t also say that Jewish people willingly went to concentration camps because they wanted a free vacation? He’s probably saving that for his next visit to TMZ.

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This Dude Is Playing A Native Hawaiian Hero In A World War II Biopic 

May 9, 2017 / Posted by:

After the Emma Stone in Aloha mess, and the ScarJo in Ghost in the Shell mess, and the Tilda Swinton in Doctor Strange mess, you’d think that maybe Hollywood would know that doing whitewashing shit, especially with a real person, is a bad move. But here we are. Deadline says that Zach McGowan, who is apparently of Irish and Jewish descent, has been cast as real-life Native Hawaiian leader Benehakaka “Ben” Kanahele in a WWII biopic called Ni’ihau.

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Kelly Osbourne Wishes She Was Gay, But Also Thinks Everybody Is Gay 

April 14, 2017 / Posted by:

Thank Kelly Osbourne’s Pom Pom in advance for making a “Bitch, please” face over this interview so you don’t have to!

While promoting her new book There Is No Fucking Secret: Letters from a Badass Bitch, Kelly Osbourne has already called out attention whores who she says are faking Lyme disease to get sympathy and a cover of Life & Style. Kelly is now telling young famous tricks who pretend to be gay for attention that she’s got their fake gay number, hussy. Kelly also says that she wishes she was a gayelle, but then also says that everybody is gay. My brain barely functions as it is and it shut down several times during Kelly’s interview.

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Nick Loeb’s Embryos Lawsuit Against Sofia Vergara Just Got Even More Messed Up

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s been a quick minute since I posted about the legal fight for Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos, so let’s catch up real quick. When Nick and Sofia were together, they embryos and those embryos were frozen. But then they broke up, and Sofia went on to screw her now-husband Joe ManJello and Nick went on try to screw her in court. Nick sued for custody of the frozen embryos and he mouth shit out a diarrhea stream of bullshit about how he’s pro-life and just can’t leave his “children” in a freezer. Nick cried that he’s always wanted to be a father. Sofia doesn’t want that and wants the embryos to remain frozen forever.

Since then, Sofia’s legal team put on their rubber gloves and decided to get as messy as Nick has. Sofia demanded that Nick publicly give up the names of the two ex-girlfriends who had abortions around 20 years ago. Sofia’s lawyers wanted to depose the women and question them about Nick’s past sex life and abortion beliefs. A judge in California sided with Sofia. Nick refused to spit up those names and Page Six says that instead of naming his exes, he dropped his lawsuit against Sofia in California on Tuesday. But it’s far from over and in fact, this shit has climbed to a level of fuckery I didn’t think existed. Sofia and Nick’s embryos are suing her. I see that 2016 still has a napkin tied around its neck, because it’s obviously not done with eating us alive.

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