Last week, I posted about the trailer for Wes Anderson’s Asteroid City, a vision of pastel overload starring every working actor in Hollywood. And this week, I’m posting about Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie, a vision of pastel overload starring every working actor in Hollywood. But unlike Asteroid City, the Barbie movie is low on twee pretentiousness and high on Ryan Gosling’s nipples brushing up against a hot Magic Earring Ken jean vest (note to Wes Anderson: if you want to make Asteroid City more watchable, include a shot of Ryan Gosling’s nipples brushing up against a hot Magic Earring Ken jean vest in the final cut). In December, we got one Barbie teaser trailer, and today, they released teaser #2. I guess they just keep sticking the tip in. Well, as much as a flat-crotch’d plastic doll can stick the tip in.
And on top of the second teaser trailer, we got tons upon tons of character posters, including Michael Cera as Ken’s ginger friend Allan. FINALLY, Allan is getting his time in the shine, but did they really have to make him look like a sleazy frat boy turned sleazy investment banker?! Allan might be a Murdough.
Imagine spending 70 years on the British throne in an uncomfortable gold crown and an endless amount of pastel skirt suits, denied even the most basic of life’s pleasures, like peeling and eating a banana like a regular person, just to get upstaged by a couch-jumping Yankee at one of your many Platinum Jubilee celebrations? The indignity! I’d suggest he be taken straight to the gallows for reprogramming, but Tom Cruise might respond, “Cool, which ones – yours or ours?“, and that might just confuse things further. Luckily Queen Elizabeth has many more Platinum Jubilee events to be the star of. She just had her spotlight stolen a bit at this most recent one, and not just by Tom Cruise, but also by Dame Helen Mirren, who was in attendance as well.
Dame Helen Mirren is on the cover of People’s 2022 Beautiful issue, namely because she is beautiful and famous and has a lil’ somethin’ called “swagger” (her words). But 76-year-old Helen says she was shocked to receive the honor, as she’s never considered herself beautiful. “And at my age!” Hot bitch please, we know you’ve seen those bikini pics from 2008.
We can now add spittle to the list of things the Cannes Film Festival attendees deem to be more repugnant than Roman Polanski. According to Variety, festival attendees arriving from outside of the EU are being required to visit The Drool Tent, or La Tente de Bave, if you will, to provide a saliva sample to be tested for COVID-19 before attending any events inside the Palais. Festival-goers have described the process as “really gross” but then turn around and watch Tilda Swinton in a movie about a woman suffering from “exploding head syndrome,” (via IndieWire) or worse, a movie starring Simon Rex! Yes, old Dirt Nasty himself has a movie at Cannes this year and Roman Polanski does not. The earth is healing.
HuffPo says that Helen Mirren has heard you comparing her looks to Keanu Reeve‘s girlfriend and you know what? She’s not mad at it. Yeah, Helen, why the hell would you be? It’s Keanu “Immortal Gentleman” Reeves!
Deadline says that all of us Helen Mirren stans can get hyped because the Dame herself is going to be back for more Fast & The Furious madness. And she will be joined by previous villainess of the franchise, Charlize Theron who has been announced to also be coming back for the ninth installment. These two Oscar winners coming back? Dave Bautista will have to come around now!