Jon Stewart Wants To Clarify His Comments About The Antisemitic Goblins Of “Harry Potter”

Last month Jon Stewart criticized Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling on an episode of his podcast, The Problem With Jon Stewart. And it has nothing to do with transphobia this time. Jon pointed out that the goblins who run Gringotts bank in the Harry Potter movies appear to be antisemitic caricatures. He compared the miserly, hook-nosed creatures to antisemitic illustrations included in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, a famous anti-Jewish book from 1903. But once headlines proclaimed “Jon Stewart Accuses J.K. Rowling of Antisemitism,” Jon clarified his comments, insisting he loves Harry Potter and everybody needs to take a chill pill.

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Take In The Smooth Sexiness Of It All: Adrien Brody At The Emmys

Thanks to the fact that the temperature in L.A. was about as hot as a newly-released fart lingering in the Heat Miser’s chonies, everybody who went to the Emmys yesterday probably made squishy sounds when they walked because of the pools of sweat jelly that formed on their crotch areas. Well, those pools of sweat jelly were definitely washed away by a wave of crotch cream when Adrien Brody sashayed onto the carpet looking like sex double-wrapped in smarmy and dipped in Brut.

Adrien and his signature douche pucker were at the Emmys, because he was nominated for Houdini and also because kissing history-making actresses at award shows is his thing. As I said earlier, Olivia Culpo nearly fainted on the red carpet, and she claims the heat did her in. But I bet she really got the faints when Adrien Brody flipped his glorious mane as he walked on by. Adrian looked like the kind of high-priced gigolo who takes his old lady clients to the opera, fingers them in the box (that line has two meanings) and makes them smell his fingers afterward. Swooooooon.

Here’s a million pictures of some of the dudes (including Damian Lewis, Joe ManJello and David Oyelowo) at the Emmys, but who cares about any of them. The only thing your eyes need is Adrien Brody giving you “stache-free Yanni in a fun house mirror” hotness.

Pics: Wenn.com

Jon Stewart Is Checking Out Of “The Daily Show” Later This Year

Well, that just happened. Jon Stewart announced at the taping of The Daily Show today that he’s leaving at the end of the year, which means he might not cover the 2016, which means I better find a way to deliver four Entenmann’s devil food cakes to each of my friends because they will need to eat their feelings tonight. He took over as host from Craig Kilborn in 1999.

Jon didn’t say what he’s doing next, but my guess is that he’s going after Brian Williams’ spot. Jon Stewart probably leaked that puppy in a fire story to the media to smear Brian Williams some more. The shame! That dog in the picture knows what’s up and doesn’t like it. Here’s the statement from Comedy Central president Michele Ganeless:

“For the better part of the last two decades, I have had the incredible honor and privilege of working with Jon Stewart. His comedic brilliance is second to none. Jon has been at the heart of Comedy Central, championing and nurturing the best talent in the industry, in front of and behind the camera. Through his unique voice and vision,The Daily Show has become a cultural touchstone for millions of fans and an unparalleled platform for political comedy that will endure for years to come. Jon will remain at the helm of The Daily Show until later this year. He is a comic genius, generous with his time and talent, and will always be a part of the Comedy Central family.”

And may the replacement rumors begin! My pick is this comic genius:

I mean, it only makes sense. Nancy Grace is the Queen of News Satire! What she does is satire, right?

UPDATE: And here’s Jon casually dropping the news to an audience who is probably dying inside:

Hugh Grant Is A Throbbing Asshole, So Says Jon Stewart

During an open talk with Stephen Colbert at the Montclair Film Festival in New Jersey last Friday night, Jon Stewart was asked which past guest of his made him want to rage fist himself while pulling out his pubes one by one at the same time. Jon didn’t need to spend more than 3 seconds with that question before he blurted out the name: HUGH GRANT! Hugh Grant (“More like HUGH CUNT” – Jon Stewart) was on The Daily Show three years ago and Jon still hasn’t forgotten what a giant popped nipple pimple Hugh Grant was. Third Beat (via E!) says Jon explained Hugh’s bitchery like this:

tewart’s least favourite guest of all time is Hugh Grant, “and we’ve had dictators on the show”. Grant spent his time at the studio complaining that he had other places to be. “He’s giving everyone shit the whole time, and he’s a big pain in the ass,” Stewart recalled. Grant also complained to the staff about the clip that was selected of the movie he was promoting, Did You Hear About the Morgans? – a clip that was obviously supplied by the film’s publicist. Stewart recalls Grant angrily asking “What is that clip? It’s a terrible clip.” “Well, then make a better fucking movie,” Stewart said, adding that he would “never” have Grant back.

I’ve seen Did You Hear About The Morgans? and it gave me cotton mouth of the eyes, so any clip that Jon Stewart showed would’ve been terrible. A lot of people say that Hugh Grant is about as pleasant as a rim job from a cobra, but I can’t fully hate him all the way. Hugh Grant never gives one fuck about anything, said his feelings were “eh” about his newborn baby, regularly tries to knee kick Rupert Murodch in the crotch whenever he can and more importantly, he introduced the world to one of the most exquisite flowers in the mid-90s garden Divine Brown. Hugh Grant is probably a huge dick wrinkle, but he did give us Divine Brown and he’s good at playing a twat onscreen too. So we should give him that.

Jon Stewart Soothes RPattz’s Broken Heart With Ice Cream

With three tubes of Prep H smeared all over his eye area to keep down the swelling he got from his ducts barfing up floods of sparkle tears, Robert Pattinson slid into the guest chair at The Daily Show last night to promote Cosmopolis and to nervously giggle about the lip-biting, lazy-faced, skank whore elephant in the room. I really thought that RPatt’z interview with Jon Stewart was going to be as awkward as a sudden fart jumping out of your butt while you’re getting your salad tossed, but it wasn’t at all. It was actually kind of charming. Yes, I was charmed by RPattz and yes, you can now make fun of me for riding side saddle on one of the unicorns frolicking through his enchanted forest hair.

Jon Stewart never brought up Kristen Stewart’s name and never asked RPattz how it feels to have his heart (or relationship contract) broken by his dead-hearted slut girlfriend thrusting her ass into married man crotch, but he did start the interview by giving RPattz some Ben & Jerry’s before saying (via Jezebel):

“The last time I had a bad breakup, Ben and Jerry got me through some of the tougher times. So I thought you and I could bond over this and talk about, ‘Boy you are better off. Kick her to the curb, whatever…’ When you are young and you break up, it’s powerful and it feels like the world is ending. This is the first time I have seen the world actually react that way. It’s insanity.”

I don’t know who told Jon Stewart that Ben & Jerry’s is the medicine for a broken heart, but who ever told him needs to receive an education from the most dumped trick in America Jennifer Love Hewitt, because it ain’t. Jon should’ve given RPattz a basket with a raw cookie dough log, a vajazzle kit, a copy of John Bobbitt’s porn (because nothing makes you feel good about your life like Jon Bobbitt’s frankendick) and a lyric sheet for Mary J. Blig’s “Not Gon’ Cry.”

And I really hope that Kristen Stewart’s first interview is with Nancy Grace. No, Kristen Stewart never killed a baby, but she did kill the hearts of a million crazed Twihards and ever since Casey Anthony got away, Nancy Grace has been waiting to chew on a trashy white girl who looks an albino rat’s soft peen.

Here’s RPattz at the NYC premiere of Cosmopolis last night and at the NYSE this morning. The black and blue ensemble is really, really subtle. You can’t tell from these pictures, but also at the premiere last night were dozens of Twihards screaming at RPattz to let them seal the cracks in his heart with their panty pudding.