Everybody Went To The Tom Ford Show Last Night

I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).

Gwyneth Paltrow Instagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson,  and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.

I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.

And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Happy Hump Day: The Magic Mike XXL Trailer Is Here

If Channing Tatum working in a metal shop ala Flashdance and Kevin Nash’ awkward stomping and luscious mane makes your loins gush like a vanilla pudding Snack Pack that’s been squeezed too tight, then cover your screen with Saran Wrap and lay down the tarp, because the first trailer for Magic Mike XXL is out. The Texas T-Rex is out (because his Oscar tells him that he’s way too fancy for this shit) and so is that annoying Cody Horn person who is the worst case of nepotism in a while. Amber Heard and Michael Straham’s gap are in. You don’t care, but here’s the synopsis anyway:

Picking up the story three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, “Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa likewise ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.

You know what bothers me about that synopsis? The fact that there is a synopsis. We don’t want a plot! We just need 3D close-ups of bulges and Matt Boner’s ass bouncing up and down like a tiny bulldog in a pick-up truck as he humps the floor while “Pony” plays. This is the synopsis for Magic Mike XXL I want to read:

BULGE BULGE BUGLE DICK THRUSTING BULGE PECS DICK BULGE BULGE BULGE SWAYING DICK BULGE BULGE BOUNCING ASSES DICK BULGE BULGE TWERKING PECS BULGE BULGE AIR FUCKING BARE ASS BULGE BULGE DICK BULGE

And this is how product placement is done:

Although, it really should’ve been leche instead. They missed out on a good opportunity to make the best Got Milk? ad ever.

The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit

At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.

For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.

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NOOOOOOOOOOO: Sofia Vergara And Joe Manganiello Are Engaged

That sound that sort of sounds like a family of walruses howling and gargling gravy at the same time is the sound of a million b-holes and vaginas crying in pain over Joe ManJello getting engaged to the always engaged Sofia Vergara.

E! News says that after only 6 months of staged photo-ops and shameless stunts, Joe ManJello proposed to Sofia Vegara on Christmas Day in Hawaii. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Sofia and Joe’s relationship contract was supposed to expire sometime in January and after that he was supposed to have hot, desperate, rebound sex with all of us. That’s what I pictured happening in my mind. I didn’t picture this shit. The Daily Mail has a candid and totally not choreographed picture of Sofia showing off her maybe engagement ring and it’s as understated and modest as you would guess. It’s from Kay Jewelers, obviously!

Sofia and Joe started bumping nipples in July, a quick minute after she ended her engagement for the 700th time to Onion Crunch mogul and certified douche Nick Loeb. A different source tells UsWeekly that Joe proposed during Christmas, because he wanted to do it in front of her family.

We should all brace ourselves, because these two are going to milk this until there’s nothing left to milk (and yes, my genitals passed out from picturing Joe ManJello milking it dry). There’s going to be photo-op after photo-op and I just hope that Joe makes it easier for all of us by wearing as little clothes as possible in those photo-ops. I am all for this as long as the wedding is televised in HD and held at the nudist resort Hedonism II in Jamaica.

Pic: WhoSay

The Texas T-Rex Is Not Going To Be In Magic Mike 2

In Not Alright, Not Alright, Not Alright news, the director of Magic Mike XXL, Greg Jacobs, tells The Playlist that when the sequel comes out next year, Matthew McConaughey’s oiled-up, self-tanner-covered nips won’t be in it. Greg says that of course Channing Tatum is coming back as Mike since he helped write the thing and he’ll be joined by Matt Boner, Joe ManJello and comedian Gabriel Iglesias who’s going to play a DJ. Greg says it starts shooting at the end of this month. Back in June, Gabriel Iglesias told UsWeekly that he heard the Texas T-Rex wasn’t going to be in it, because his ass is too expensive and “that whole Oscar thing, the nerve right?” So basically the Texas T-Rex is that rags to riches friend of mine who said, “Eh, there’s not really anything for me to eat there,” when I asked her if she wanted to have lunch at Chili’s. Bitch, don’t act like I haven’t seen you eat nachos made with saltines and melted Kraft singles before.

Since we’re on the subject of Things Not Coming Back To Magic Mike 2, here’s two things that shouldn’t come back to Magic Mike 2:

1. Cody Horn (Side note: Cody Horn is the perfect gay porn star name). Cody Horn’s dad was President of Warner Bros. when Magic Mike, a Warner Bros. picture, was being cast. Cody Horn was a human boner killer. The only thing she did in that movie was stare into the air with her dead eyes and tell the strippers to stop stripping. When I go to see a movie about hot dude strippers, the last thing I want to see is a judgmental nag telling the hot dudes to keep their clothes on. Trick, shut your mouth!

2. Any resemblance of a plot. Besides Cody Horn, the main problem with Magic Mike was that it tried to have a plot. Who cares about missing drugs and shit? Just show us 2 hours of Matt Boner’s greased up nalgas clenching and unclenching.

Oh, and I have a third one:

3. Cody Horn. Just in case you didn’t get it the first time.

And here’s Joe ManJello in a t-shirt and Sofia Vergara leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood after having breakfast today.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

Sofia Vergara Is A STUNT QUEEN Master

Sofia Vergara hit the ho stroll in West Hollywood yesterday, and while walking in front of the paps, she casually and subtly flashed a diamond ring she wore on the finger that engaged hos usually wear a ring on. Or in her case, the finger that STUNT QUEEN’s wear a ring on when they really want to milk the life out of their PRomance by getting a “Yes, they’re engaged!” cover of Life & Style. When the pictures first came out yesterday, some thought that Sofia and Joe ManJello were taking their relationship to the next level and getting as much attention as possible before their contract expires. But Sofia and Joe aren’t engaged. She’s just punking our asses while whoring out her line for Kay Jewelers. If Sofia really, really wanted everyone to think she was engaged, she wouldn’t have worn a ring from Kay Jewelers. Because everyone know that if Joe was going to propose, he’d go to Jared.

E! News says that the face of CoverGirl, Diet Pepsi, Comcast, State Farm Insurance, Rooms to Go, some thyroid medication and every other product on this planet has just launched a joore line called “So Sofia” for Kay. Sofia should’ve called her line “So Shameless” for Kay. No, I can’t hate on Sofia’s hustle. But I can hate on her for not “designing” a diamond cock ring for Kay so Joe ManJello can wear it in the cell phone pics she’d eventually leak onto the Internet.

Sofia not only wore a diamond and amethyst ring from her collection, but she also wore the matching necklace. The ring looks like this close up:

It costs $1,200. Yes, that shit will cost you $1,200, but the shameful feeling you’ll get while telling your friends, “No, it’s not from Claire’s. It’s from Sofia Vergara’s line for Kay and it cost over a grand,” is priceless.

Pics: Splash