It seemed like you couldn’t go anywhere over the weekend without hearing the name of recently dead Jeffrey Epstein. And among those conversations, you might have also heard the names of rich, famous, and powerful people who were associated with Jeffrey Epstein and his awful side-business. Like Prince Andrew, Duke of York, whose name kept popping up, due to the accusations of sexual assault on a minor that was allegedly introduced to him through Jeffrey Epstein.
Prince Andrew could have gone into hiding, but instead he spent the day after Jeff’s death attending a church service with his mummy, Queen Elizabeth. Someone at Buckingham Palace spent their Saturday night working hard on a Ye Olde Damage Control plan. Well, harder than usual.
Even though Duchess Meghan wasn’t there to scream “move your bloomin’ ass” from the stands or make some other gauche faux pas like she did at Trooping The Colour, there was still plenty of excitement to be had at the opening day of the Royal Ascot horse race. The annual event which, according to People began in 1711, was attended by Her Royal Highness THE QUEEN, Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice as well as those clog shuffling, french fry dipping, dyke plugging royals King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima of the Netherlands. In other words, every duke and earl and peer was there, everyone who should be there was there. And that folks, is your My Fair Lady deep cut for the day.
It’s been one month since Master Archie was pulled out of Duchess Meghan’s body and began his completely ordinary life of never hearing the words, “Sorry, it declined. Got another card?“, sipping gin-spiked juice from his great-grandmama THE QUEEN on his third birthday, wearing the finest Mary Janes money can buy, and getting to call Prince Hot Ginge daddy. Meghan was resting her swollen parts while on maternity leave, but pressed pause on that for a second to do her job of waving and smiling at her subjects in a parade. No, the parade wasn’t to celebrate Trump leaving the UK.
The parade was to celebrate THE QUEEN’S birthday. THE QUEEN turned 93 on April 21st, but since she’s THE FUCKING QUEEN (I think that’s her official title, honestly) she gets two birthdays, and today is Trooping The Colour, the official celebration of her born day. There’s a parade, an air show, and THE QUEEN “inspects” her troops. It’s a shame that I’ll probably be dead when Prince George does his “inspection” of his troops, because you know he’s going to be brutal and order the be-footing of troops whose shoes don’t tickle his corneas with their shininess.
“A Winking Camilla” sounds like something that Prince Charles would ask for on his anniversary. But I mean it literally. Donald Trump is currently in the UK for an official state visit, and even though he lives his life like he’s the most interesting, charismatic person in the room, yesterday that honor went to Duchess Camilla.
For his first official state visit to the UK, Trump has flown across the Atlantic ocean and went to London to visit The Queen. Poor Queen Elizabeth – she puts on a lovely mint green suit and statement hat for the occasion, and Trump can barely be bothered to wrangle the back of his hair.
Donald and Melania Trump’s summer travel plans are taking shape and they will include a long-delayed state visit to London in June. The Washington Post reports that the customary stay at Buckingham Palace during the 3-day visit will not be extended to the couple, even though the Obamas and George W. Bush were hosted there. THE QUEEN has bigger balls than I do when it comes to house guests. The last time my mother-in-law came to visit, I considered several elaborate ruses to avoid having her stay with us, but lost my nerve as I was contemplating buying a jar of bedbugs off of eBay. But The Queen don’t give a fwuck. Suddenly, Buckingham Palace is “undergoing renovations” so they can’t stay there. I see you Lizzy. Well played, Your Highness.