Category: THE QUEEN

The Queen Has Taken Away Harvey Weinstein’s Honorary CBE (And Prince Andrew’s Title Could Be Next)

September 18, 2020 / Posted by:

The Queen is cleaning house which usually just means running a white glove over every surface in the palace and tsking under her breath. But this time she’s actually rolling up her sleeves to do some real work. According to Deadline, The Queen has snatched Harvey Weinstein’s honorary CBE title straight from his cold, might-as-well-be dead hands. And just to prove she’s not playing least-favorites, Express UK reports that her beloved boy HRH Prince Andrew, is very likely to be stripped of his title as well. There is a little silver lining for the fellas though, both can console themselves by using the alternate prefix, Hurricane.

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Princess Beatrice And Edo Mozzi Finally Pulled The Trigger And Quietly Married

July 17, 2020 / Posted by:

Well, Edoardo Mapeli Mozzi blew his last chance to avoid being related to Prince Andrew and The Original Fergie. According to People, Edo and Princess Beatrice finally just went ahead and did the damn thing. They were married this morning in a private ceremony at The Royal Chapel of All Saints at Royal Lodge, Windsor (AKA her parent’s house). The ceremony was attended by a handful of close friends and family and was conducted “in accordance with all relevant Government Guidelines,” How romantic! It marked the first time THE QUEEN and Prince Philip have left their Quoronaqueentine (™) bubble since going into lockdown with 22 of their most loyal staff, 19 of which are in charge of operating Philip’s puppet-matronics.

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Meghan Markle Felt “Unprotected” By The Royals

July 2, 2020 / Posted by:

If The Brady Bunch has taught me anything, it’s that there’s a Jan in every family. If you ask Meghan Markle, she might say she was the Royal Family’s Jan. Meghan recently revealed in her ongoing lawsuit with The Mail on Sunday that she believes the Royal Family never had her back, despite being married to a high-ranking royal like Prince Harry and having his kid.

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So The Queen Has Cut 400 Summer Jobs Since Buckingham Palace Will Remain Closed To Visitors

May 22, 2020 / Posted by:

If your summer plans included traveling overseas to London, despite COVID-19 dangers (a “reverse Madonna”, if you will), you can forget about dropping those pounds on a tour of The Queen’s London pad. Buckingham Palace has corona-canceled its seasonal summer tour, forcing The Queen to lay off hundreds of temporary employees. Yeesh, this grand castle isn’t big enough for all these people to stay six feet apart from one another? How… paltry.

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Prince Andrew And Sarah Ferguson Are Facing Legal Action Over Their Failure To Pay $8 Million On A Swiss Chalet They Bought

May 8, 2020 / Posted by:

It’s a good thing Prince Andrew isn’t in Quoronaqueentine (™) at Windsor Castle with his mom because he’s in trouble with the law, again, and it would be a shame if he had to suffer her wrath in person. And by her wrath I mean a breathy, disappointed “oh, Andrew,” which really doesn’t have the same devastating impact when delivered over Zoom. According to The Guardian, Andrew and his ex-wife, Original Fergie, are facing legal proceedings over missed payments on a $22 million chalet in Switzerland they jointly purchased as a vacation home in 2014. Andrew and Fergie currently owe over $8 million dollars that was due in December, 2019. I’m sure they meant to pay it, but earlier that year, their credit line at The Bank of Epstein was suddenly canceled out of the blue.

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The Queen And Prince Philip Are Quarantined At Windsor Castle With 22 Servants

April 30, 2020 / Posted by:

Service to The Crown means serving At Her Majesty’s Pleasure. And according to The Sun, it takes 22 people to pleasure Her Majesty, The Queen (cut her some slack, she’s 94 years old, it’s a miracle she can get there at all!). That’s the number of staff members in residence at Windsor Palace charged with the care and protection of The Queen, and I assume, just putting different funny hats on Prince Philip and sharing the pictures in the group chat.

A memo to the staff written by Master of the Household Tony Johnstone-Burt was circulated, revealing that since Britain went into quarantine, Windsor Castle has been dubbed “HMS Bubble”, and that the 22 members of the royal household staff are isolated there, away from their families, for the duration. Tony, a 40-year navy veteran, likened the situation to “a long deployment at sea where sailors are separated from their ­families for several months,” something Steve the footman in charge of trimming Philip’s nose hairs without waking him up, can surely relate to.

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