As the Slovenian Mrs. Waterford that is Melania Trump wondered when it was a good time to bust out her escape plan by changing into a Corgi costume before humping Prince Philip’s horny ole’ leg so he can take her inside, her master Donald Trump bonded with THE QUEEN during their meeting about their love of not paying taxes and their little bitches (hers being Corgis, his being his sons). THE QUEEN had to deal with Trump herself, but sources tell The Times of London (via The Hill) that the next Kings of England, Prince Charles and Prince William, were supposed to make an appearance, but made like the hair that was on their head and said “fuck it” before quitting that shit.
First dates are always like walking on eggshells: you best keep the conversation light, dress impeccably, and – above all – don’t keep your trick waiting on you to arrive at the restaurant. Well, Donald Trump must not have gotten that memo because on his first meeting with THE QUEEN today, some are saying QE2 was left waiting around for Donald and Melania Trump to stroll up to kiss the ring and curtsy. What’s next? Sleeveless dresses?! Continue reading
Most of them are staring up at the sky, because above them is a plane carrying a banner that reads: Sorry, Meghan, But Kate’s Dress Sold Out Before Yours. That explains why Duchess Kate is lighting up in the face like, “Check that, bitch, I’ve still got it!”
THE QUEEN wasn’t at her great-grandson Prince Louis’ hazing Christian ceremony yesterday, because well, she’s 92 years old and is tired of sleeping with her eyes open at yet another boring ass baptism. (Even the star of the show, Prince Louis, didn’t stay awake for that bore fest.) But THE QUEEN was back out there today at the 100th birthday celebrations of the Royal Air Force. THE QUEEN and the other ones (I cropped Princess Michael of Kunt out of that top pic because she’s Princess Michael of Kunt) took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace today to watch the RAF centenary, which she didn’t strain her royal neck to see, because she’ll watch it later on YouTube while getting drunk on sloe gin fizzes with her man.
After decades on the job of being a royal, THE QUEEN fell under the weather and had to bail on a church service, so she sent her cousin, the Duke of Kent, instead. Ha! That’s like finding out the local high school production of Hello, Dolly! will be taking over for Bette Middler on Broadway this evening!
People says Queen Lizzy was supposed to attend a church service to celebrate a bicentenary of an order of chivalry, but she skipped because she was feeling ill, per her spokesperson:
“The Queen is feeling under the weather today and has decided not to attend this morning’s service at St. Paul’s Cathedral marking the 200th anniversary of the Order of St. Michael and St. George.”
Methinks QE2 doth protest under the veil of illness! That huss has been sitting on the throne for nearly 70 years, and she’s still kicking! How about give her a bi-weekly celebration for outlasting any dude who tried to run the country? Anyway, sources say it’s nothing to get too upset over because they didn’t even bother calling a doctor, and she’s still scheduled to head to Windsor Castle later today. Ain’t nothing going to keep a monarch and her corgis from some time in the country! Though, I’m sure there are some passive aggressive notes being sent to Duchess Meghan and Susan Sarandon that say, “We’re not saying THE QUEEN is feeling nauseated because of your barbaric bare shoulders and your uncouth handshake, but she definitely told us both instances made her wanna barf up shepherd’s pie.”
I’m beginning to feel bad for THE QUEEN. Poor thing has probably had to up her booze intake to eighteen daily G&Ts instead of her usual five on account that 2018 is the year of NO DAMN MANNERS by those rotten Americans. First, Duchess Meghan is presumably playing a one-woman game of how many royal traditions she can break before she caps it with a finale of a Fourth of July fireworks spectacle off the roof of Buckingham Palace just to really rub it into those pesky Brits. Now Susan Sarandon is getting in on the action by having the audacity to speak to QE2 before being spoken to. Susan probably just wanted to tell QE2, “Just wanted to say, ‘You’re welcome,’ because if Hilary became president all of our countries would be at war right now.”
When the Royal Mail conveniently “lost” Duchess Meghan’s Father’s Day card to fame-whoring extraordinaire Thomas Markle, it was said he was gutted and feared being iced out by all those British snoots. Thomas is so gutted and devastated that he ran crying to the press to say how bad he feels about being punished. Don’t fuck with THE QUEEN, Thomas, or else she’ll punish you AND her whole damn family. Rather than meet with Thomas, QE2 has decided she’ll push him back a few decades on her calendar and instead take a meeting next month with, hoo boy, Donald Trump. What did the rest of the royals do to warrant such a punishment?! Continue reading