Category: THE QUEEN

Open Post: Hosted By Duchess Meghan’s Eyes Lighting Up While Looking At Her Wedding Dress

September 19, 2018 / Posted by:

I was all about to cynically hate on Duchess Meghan for saying FUCK YES to the dress with her eyes, but I cannot blame her. My eyes would transform into exploding 4,000 watt Philips Hue light bulbs (in shade: hot ginger) if I was looking at the outfit I was going to wear on the day that I could say goodbye to seeing a late fee on a credit card bill and say hello to happily spreading burn cream on my lips (you decide which ones) after rubbing ’em on the royal ginger crotch scepter every night.

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A Royal Mystery: Was Duchess Meghan Spotted Picking Up Dog Poo?

September 13, 2018 / Posted by:

A woman named Lisa Petrillo, who happens to be a reporter for CBS Miami, was walking/snooping around Kensington Palace in London yesterday and spotted what could only be THEE Duchess Meghan Markle with a little black and white doggy who was taking a crap. I should clarify; the doggy was taking a crap. Meghan was getting a bag ready while she waited for the pooch to pinch that shit off. Lisa was so excited by the royal sighting that she snapped a picture and posted it on Twitter.

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The Queen Isn’t A Fan Of Duchess Meghan’s Pantsuits

September 4, 2018 / Posted by:

THE QUEEN may be cheering on Duchess Meghan from the sidelines (and asking the rest of the family to give her a T so she can proceed to cheer-spell out THOMAS MARKLE SUCKS), but that doesn’t mean The Queen is a fan of Duchess Meghan’s wardrobe. Meghan’s clothing has gotten her in trouble in the past, specifically her pants. And it’s not because horny Prince Harry keeps asking Meghan if she’s wearing space pants, due to the fact that her ass is out of this world.

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THE QUEEN Is Still Stanning For Duchess Meghan

August 29, 2018 / Posted by:

If you can believe a string of reports, it’s been all laughs and giggles at Buckingham Palace ever since Duchess Meghan arrived. She, Queen Elizabeth, and the corgis all wear matching “Pink Ladies” jackets and terrorize the outsiders of their clique by doing shit like putting Whoopee Cushions under Duchess Kate’s chair cushion at dinner. The Queen may have banned Meghan from eating her favorite food, but she has taken to her in other ways and feels bad for her opportunistic family blabbing to the British tabloids. While shit like that used to get your ass sent to the Tower of London, these days it just causes The Queen to hold Meghan close to her bosom and whisper sweet nothings of support.

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The Royal Family Isn’t Sure How To Handle Thomas Markle 

August 7, 2018 / Posted by:

While Thomas Markle has been blabbing to anyone and everyone about his daughter Duchess Meghan and the royals, the royal family has remained pretty quiet officially and let tabloid “sources” do the responding for them. Well, apparently the royals aren’t sure what to do and are considering upping the ante. I’m sure their next response will come in the form of a strongly worded needlepoint pillow message from THE QUEEN.

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Duchess Meghan Is BFF4Lyfe With THE QUEEN And Duchess Kate

August 2, 2018 / Posted by:

Buckingham Palace might be confused for the Tri-Delt house these days because Duchess Meghan, Duchess Kate, and THE QUEEN are bosom buddies who have all hit it off, and if this doesn’t turn into The Crowncrossing over into The Golden Girls in later seasons, Imma. be. pissed. Because Meghan has the world’s worst father, I guess that put the kibosh on QE2 and Kate inducting Meg into royal life with the usual round of hazing like blindfolding her, dropping her off at a Tesco north of London and making her take – gasp – the subway back home. That’d be cruel. Instead, they’re besties!

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