Billy Eichner may have seen this news and relaxed after calling out the Straights™ for not buying tickets to his gay romantic comedy Bros, which bombed at the box office. Because well, David O’Russell‘s Amsterdam bombed hard too. The star-studded film had a production budget of $80 million but only made $6.5 million at this past weekend’s box office. It did worse in theatres than Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile.
I only realized it was Super Bowl Sunday when I went to Home Depot and the Garden Center was the only section seeing any action. The moment I realized I shouted “MOVE BITCH, I’M MISSING MY COMMERCIALS!” as I pushed an old lady into some zinnias and hightailed it to the car. But I was too late and by the time I got home, I had to find out on Twitter that cryptocurrency, useless apps, and hard seltzer are the future.
The White House threw a special fancy dinner party for Canada’s Next Top Model Prime Minister Justin Trudeau last night. Because JT is the Prime Minister of Canada, they also invited a whole bunch of famous and semi-famous Canadians to join them. I say “semi-famous“, because I scanned the guest list and no where did I see the names Bert Raccoon or Friend Record, aka Canada’s most important A-list celebrities.
Mike Myers (aka “Wayne Campbell” if you’re in your 40s, “Austin Powers” if you’re in your 30s, “Shrek” if you’re in your 20s, and “Some dude who might be wearing John Travolta’s hair” to anyone currently studying for SATs) shagged a baby into his wife Kelly Tisdale 9 months ago, and Us Weekly says that a tiny baby girl popped out of Kelly earlier today. Mike and Kelly already have a 2-year-old son that they named Spike Myers (which is what you get if you put “Mike Myers” into an Ed Hardy name generator), so I was crossing my fingers that they’d name Baby #2 something equally SoCal, like Blaze or Flayme, but they named her Sunday Molly Myers. Personally, I like the name Sunday Molly, because it sounds like something written on Miley Cyrus’s drug to-do list.
Friday: Freon, Weed
Plus with a name like “Sunday Molly”, she’d make a killing in college selling drugs (you gotta make it easy for the dumb ones to remember who they buy from). Then again, I’m talking about 20 years in the future, so molly will probably be replaced by “future coke” or “robot speed” or something called “bleep-blorp”. Either way, mazel to you both, Mike and Kelly.
….Lara Flynn Boyle turned the director of Wayne’s World Penelope Spheeris into stone.
Fun Fact: Penelope Spheeris actually had brown hair when she showed up to the reunion, but it turned white when she saw what happened to Lara Flynn Boyle’s face. When I look deep into Penelope’s terrorized eyes, I can almost hear her saying to herself, “Don’t make eye contact…don’t make eye contact…”
So, some of the cast of Wayne’s World 1 and 2 reunited at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in Beverly Hills last night, because every now and again we need to be reminded that one day it’s 1994 and the next day you have white hairs on your taint and you’re old. Kevin Pollack, Lara Flynn Boyle, Colleen Camp (known to me as Yvette the Maid from Clue), Rob Lowe, Penelope Spheeris, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Lorne Michaels and Tia Carrere all came out. Rob Lowe almost looks the same and Mike and Dana look like late-in-life lesbian tennis players who were once rivals but are now lovers.
And then there’s Lara Flynn Boyle. Every time I see pictures of Lara Flynn Boyle, it looks like she’s injected something else into her face. You can’t just go into the plumbing aisle at Home Depot, pick up something in a tube and inject into your face. That’s not okay. She looks like a novocaine’d up blob fish. If Lara keeps screwing with her face, she’s eventually going to look like La Bruja from Real Housewives of Miami. Actually, that’s a compliment since La Bruja is the most gorgeous woman on basic cable.
Diddy seems to always be dating Cassie, but I guess he pushed her to the side again, because he was supposedly moisturizing the sexy all over Kate Upton at LIV in Miami on March 23. Kate stopped humping on Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander a couple of months ago and now some source tells the NYDN that she’s rubbing her nips all over Diddy’s gold grill.
One witness type said that they saw Diddy and Kate stabbing each other’s mouths with their tongues at LIV and “they weren’t trying to hide it.” Then last Thursday, Diddy and Kate had dinner at Gemma in NYC. So all signs point to they’re doing it part-time.
Kate is 20 and Diddy is 43. Kate could probably get a million rich dudes and Diddy never closes his mouth and most likely tastes like tonsil stones and JLo’s dirty ass. So I’m not sure why this is happening. Maybe Kate Upton figures that since she’s at the age where it’s okay to blatantly make shitty decisions, she might as well blatantly make as many shitty decisions as she can. She already made this shitty decision (Note: posing for Terry Richardson sometimes leads to him jizzing on your face) and this shitty decision (Note: letting a horse nibble on your crotch is never a good idea, ask all of Trace Cyrus’ ex-girlfriends), so she figures that she might as well make a few more. I guess that one day in the future, Kate wants to be able to tell her grandkids, “Diddy drank Cristal out of my cooch on a yacht once!”
UPDATE: Diddy’s tongue was not down Kate Upton’s throat, according to Diddy.