A Radio DJ Who Worked Security On The Set Of “The Love Guru” Said Mike Myers Had Him Fired For Making Eye Contact
2008 was a notably awful year. People ran around wearing shutter shades and Uggs with miniskirts as “Lollipop” played on a loop in our brains while the entire financial system collapsed. The 2008 bar was on the ground, but we could almost all agree (or all of the 10s of people who’ve sat through it) that The Love Guru starring Mike Myers was a corny, unfunny turd, as evidenced by its 13% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes and several Razzie Awards. The Love Guru made The Cat In The Hat look like Citizen Kane. But apparently, Mike took his time on set very seriously; because a Canadian radio DJ named Jay Brody says he was hired to work as set security but was fired four hours into his first day for accidentally making eye contact with Mike.
Billy Eichner may have seen this news and relaxed after calling out the Straights™ for not buying tickets to his gay romantic comedy Bros, which bombed at the box office. Because well, David O’Russell‘s Amsterdam bombed hard too. The star-studded film had a production budget of $80 million but only made $6.5 million at this past weekend’s box office. It did worse in theatres than Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile.
I only realized it was Super Bowl Sunday when I went to Home Depot and the Garden Center was the only section seeing any action. The moment I realized I shouted “MOVE BITCH, I’M MISSING MY COMMERCIALS!” as I pushed an old lady into some zinnias and hightailed it to the car. But I was too late and by the time I got home, I had to find out on Twitter that cryptocurrency, useless apps, and hard seltzer are the future.
The White House threw a special fancy dinner party for Canada’s Next Top Model Prime Minister Justin Trudeau last night. Because JT is the Prime Minister of Canada, they also invited a whole bunch of famous and semi-famous Canadians to join them. I say “semi-famous“, because I scanned the guest list and no where did I see the names Bert Raccoon or Friend Record, aka Canada’s most important A-list celebrities.
Mike Myers (aka “Wayne Campbell” if you’re in your 40s, “Austin Powers” if you’re in your 30s, “Shrek” if you’re in your 20s, and “Some dude who might be wearing John Travolta’s hair” to anyone currently studying for SATs) shagged a baby into his wife Kelly Tisdale 9 months ago, and Us Weekly says that a tiny baby girl popped out of Kelly earlier today. Mike and Kelly already have a 2-year-old son that they named Spike Myers (which is what you get if you put “Mike Myers” into an Ed Hardy name generator), so I was crossing my fingers that they’d name Baby #2 something equally SoCal, like Blaze or Flayme, but they named her Sunday Molly Myers. Personally, I like the name Sunday Molly, because it sounds like something written on Miley Cyrus’s drug to-do list.
Friday: Freon, Weed
Plus with a name like “Sunday Molly”, she’d make a killing in college selling drugs (you gotta make it easy for the dumb ones to remember who they buy from). Then again, I’m talking about 20 years in the future, so molly will probably be replaced by “future coke” or “robot speed” or something called “bleep-blorp”. Either way, mazel to you both, Mike and Kelly.
….Lara Flynn Boyle turned the director of Wayne’s World Penelope Spheeris into stone.
Fun Fact: Penelope Spheeris actually had brown hair when she showed up to the reunion, but it turned white when she saw what happened to Lara Flynn Boyle’s face. When I look deep into Penelope’s terrorized eyes, I can almost hear her saying to herself, “Don’t make eye contact…don’t make eye contact…”
So, some of the cast of Wayne’s World 1 and 2 reunited at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in Beverly Hills last night, because every now and again we need to be reminded that one day it’s 1994 and the next day you have white hairs on your taint and you’re old. Kevin Pollack, Lara Flynn Boyle, Colleen Camp (known to me as Yvette the Maid from Clue), Rob Lowe, Penelope Spheeris, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Lorne Michaels and Tia Carrere all came out. Rob Lowe almost looks the same and Mike and Dana look like late-in-life lesbian tennis players who were once rivals but are now lovers.
And then there’s Lara Flynn Boyle. Every time I see pictures of Lara Flynn Boyle, it looks like she’s injected something else into her face. You can’t just go into the plumbing aisle at Home Depot, pick up something in a tube and inject into your face. That’s not okay. She looks like a novocaine’d up blob fish. If Lara keeps screwing with her face, she’s eventually going to look like La Bruja from Real Housewives of Miami. Actually, that’s a compliment since La Bruja is the most gorgeous woman on basic cable.