I Guess That Pretty Much Answers The Question: “Is Kerry Washington Pregnant”

When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.

I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.

Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.

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Allison Williams Got Married Yesterday

You know that right before the reception, Allison Williams’ daddy Brian Williams was like “Honey, please tell me there isn’t going to be a garter toss. I really can’t handle watching anything else of yours get tossed.”

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Behold, The Olsen Twins Surveying Their Kingdom

I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:

“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”

The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.

Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.

And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

Allison Williams Defended Her Dad, Because Duh, What Else Is She Supposed To Do?

Seth Meyers interviewed living and breathing American Girl Samantha doll Allison Williams at the 92Y last night and the first thing he asked her about was her dad Brian Williams, because besides getting her ass eaten on HBO, that’s the only thing people want to her hear talk about. Seth asked Allison how her family and her dad are doing after he got suspended for six months without pay for lie-telling on camera.  I don’t know what Seth expected her to say. It’s not like she’s going to say, “He’s a liar and he has ruined my life.” If Seth wanted that kind of answer, he should’ve interviewed me about my dad. Of course, Allison defended her dad and said that we can all trust him.

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Brian Williams Saw His Daughter’s Salad Tossing Scene In Girls

During the season premiere of Sex and the City’s hipster snowflake cousin Girls last night, a dude’s mouth traveled to Peter Pan’s No No Land and we got to watch it. How lucky for all of us. It’s just salad tossing, so I wasn’t shocked or scandalized, but I was shocked that it wasn’t Lena Dunham getting her ass eaten while eating a burrito bowl over the sink.

At the premiere party for Girls, Allison Williams talked to Vulture about the scene where her character and Desi get into some butt fun in the kitchen. Allison says that they used Spanx, two thongs and period pads to protect her butt parts from Desi’s mouth and nose. Allison’s dad Brian Williams was also at the premiere party and he watched the scene with his daughter. “Aw, that reminds me of the first time Kimmy and I watched the dailies of her first sex tape together” said Pimp Mama Kris. Brian told Vulture that the scene didn’t make him cringe on the inside at all, because he knows that fake butt munching is all part of show business and watching Allison in Girls is his family’s job.

“She’s always been an actress. For us, watching her is the family occupation and everybody has to remember it’s acting, no animals were harmed during the filming, and ideally nobody gets hurt.”

Brian wasn’t bothered, but Allison’s cast mate Jemima Kirke was. Jemima told UsWeekly that she almost barfed up her insides from watching Brian Williams watch his daughter get motorboated in the ass:

“I sat behind Allison and her dad and I was going to puke. I was so nervous. I don’t even know him, but can you imagine? Watching a kissing scene with my dad next to me is awful, let alone with you getting — whatever that’s called — motorboated in your ass!”

If you watched that scene last night and wondered if Brian Williams watched it, you now have your answer. Fatherly pride filled Brian Williams’ heart as he watched his daughter get her butt filled with a dude’s face.

Gawker has the clip if you haven’t seen it and want to. There’s a GIF of it after the cut. Allison Williams’ nalgas should get a special Emmy for shaking like that and the dude who plays Desi should also get a special Emmy for wiping his mouth afterward. That was an artistic touch!

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Lena Dunham Deleted Twitter Because She Was Getting Sick Of The “Deranged Neocons”

During the red carpet portion of the Golden Globes last night (aka the part where I double-check that I have enough cans of Wine O’Clock to make it through the night), Chip and Dale’s long-lost sister Lena Dunham admitted to wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest that she would not be following the evening’s events on Twitter, because she had deleted it. Sort of a weird choice for someone who really likes to share everything with the world. But Lena explains that she did it because she was tired of people using their 140 characters to hiss rudeness at her:

“I deleted Twitter because I’m trying to create a safer space for myself emotionally. People threaten my life and tell me what a cow I am, so I decided I was going to [cut that out]. So I check it occasionally, but it’s not the same co-dependence that Twitter and I once shared. There’s a lot of people I love on Twitter, but unfortunately you can’t read those without reading deranged neocons telling you you should be buried under a pile of rocks.”

Ryan then responded “You should see what they say about me.” I’m sorry Ryan, but if you didn’t want people dragging you online, you should have never released the Hooker Kraken (the Kardashians) unto the world.

If I was getting non-stop death threats, I’d probably delete Twitter too. The only problem, Lena didn’t exactly delete it. In fact, she Tweeted a clarification shortly after to confirm that she only sort of deleted it:

That sounds like a system I could use in my own life. As someone whose tweets are riddled with spelling mistakes and really aggressive all-caps rants (“HAM SANDWACHES CAN SUCK MY ASS“), I could use a proof-tweeter. Then again, they’d probably quit after my third Tweet about Bruce Jenner. I don’t blame them.

And the only clarification tweet I really needed from Lena Dunham was the one explaining to my dumb ass what a “deranged neocon” is. Is it an evil Transformer? It’s a Transformer, right? Yeah, I should read more. Here’s more of Lena at the Golden Globes last night looking 900% less like a melting cake than she did at the Emmys, as well as the other girls from Girls.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash