Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich started off 2020 with rumors of a messy marriage which were quickly dismissed and denied. But then they announced their separation after three years of wedded bliss. The writing had been on the wall. They were self-isolating apart and Julianne was seen with Ben Barnes. Well, we might get another episode of We Know Where This Is Going, because these two have been spotted out with each other and rumors have suggested that Julianne wants Brooks back. Sources say that Brooks may feel the same. Welp, all of the homosexuals who were hoping Brooks would experiment sexually with them just got more bad news for 2020.
I just hate it when wealth, fame, and nepotism are wasted on the bland and boring. Dakota Johnson recently celebrated her 30th birthday with a big party in Malibu over the weekend. If my mom and dad were fucking icons, and I was dating a rock/popstar, even if it was Chris Martin, I’d sure as hell be having a legendary party and the highlight wouldn’t be a birthday cake in the shape of my dog with a couple of sparklers sticking out of it. The highlight would be a mound of coke in the shape of my dog, from which my actual dog jumps out holding sparklers. What Malibu baker is going to say no to Don Johnson’s daughter?! But that’s not how Dakota rolls. According to People, Dakota’s party involved a lot of hugging and chatting with her boyfriend’s ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow. And somebody invited Sean Penn. Yuck!
At last, people can stop screaming “Stiffler’s mom!” at Seann William Scott when they see him in the street and scream “Stiffler’s wife!” instead, if he’s with his new bride. According to Page Six, Seann was quietly married last month to a “31-year-old LA-based interior designer” named Olivia Korenberg. Seann, who is 42 (which yes, makes you very old indeed) has said that Olivia is “a great girl” and is “pretty private”. You guys, she’s not even public on Instagram!
Break out the dildos, sex robots, candle wax, and and fetish gear. America’s sexiset couple are back together! Us Weekly reports that Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson’s insane sexual chemistry has brought them back together just a month after they reportedly broke up. I guess those matching infinity tattoos weren’t a laughable mistake after all!
The Mara sister, who is probably not Anna Kendrick, and the baby-faced Brit, who probably didn’t play Spider-Man, are having a baby! Jamie Bell is definitely a different person from Tom Holland even though they both played Billy Elliot and look like they could be twins. He and Kate Mara (who was on House of Cards) were married in 2017, and have just announced that they are expecting their first child together. This will be Jamie’s second kid, he has a 5-year-old boy with his ex-girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. I had no idea these two were even together, let alone married, let alone not those other people I mentioned before!
Dakota Johnson is probably not carrying a Coldplay fetus in her womb, but now we know what Chris Martin’s face looks like when he busts a raw nut up into someone. Strangely enough, that’s also the face I make when thinking of Chris Martin busting a raw nut up into anyone.
TMZ started the rumor today that 41-year-old wilted piece of celery leaf Chris Martin and 29-year-old dried water chestnut Dakota Johnson made a baby together. Their evidence was a party at Chris’ mansion yesterday. They think it was a gender reveal party because it was decorated with pink and blue balloons. And shortly after Dakota’s dad Don Johnson showed up, the string of blue balloons shot up. So TMZ thinks that was a clear sign that Dakota’s Coldplay fetus has a peen. Dakota and Chris, who have been together for a year, are exactly the kind of people who would have a gender reveal party, but her rep says it was just a party for her birthday.