OK, I have a joke for you. A “cookbook author”, a “presenter” and an “entrepreneur” walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “what’ll it be, ladies?” All three lean over the bar and scream “HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!!?” Suddenly, an asteroid lands on the bar, and everything and everyone is instantly vaporized. That’s it. That’s the joke. The punchline could use a little work but it’s better than the truth in which Chrissy Tiegen, Jameela Jamil and Kim Kardashian continue to berate our eyeballs with their criminally stupid social media “debates.” This time it’s about Kim’s Skims maternity shapewear which Chrissy defended after Jameela said it makes pregnant women self-conscious about their growing bodies. Oh wait, did I say asteroid? I meant meatier.
The old saying “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” is not something TLC member Rozanda “Chilli‘ Thomas believes in, because she’s quick to slap a trick down like Dikembe Mutumbo in those “Not in my house!” commercials. And Chilli proved that very recently when a follower on Twitter tried to tell the world that she often gets compared to Chilli in the looks department. Well, Chilli immediately took one look at her photo and within moments crushed her hopes and dreams with a resounding, “No the fuck you don’t!”
As of right now, the closest a Cumberbitch can come (ew, truly poor word choice) to making contact with Benedict Cumberbatch is a fan letter sent opened by his assistant containing a poem about his beautiful beady eyes written in ink mixed with their own cooch juices. If Benedict Cumberbatch has his way, it’s going to stay like that.
Benedict isn’t on Instagram and he’s not on Twitter, and he recently told People he has no plans on joining because he doesn’t want to become consumed by something so “toxic.” He wants nothing to do with that social media lifestyle. Somewhere the Kardashians just recoiled in horror at the thought.
“I can’t get involved in social media because as they know, it’d be a disaster. I can’t tweet to save my life. I’d go over my character limits and never make any sense. It would just consume me and I find that whole thing ultimately very toxic. I’d much rather spend my energy doing what brought me to their attention in the first place, which is my work.”
Benedict’s kind of right, because his social media experience would be different than most. If he joined Instagram, his eyes would be consumed with trying to delete the thousands upon thousands of comments from Cumberbitches begging him to leave his fake family for them and desperate pleas to “PLEASE FOLLOW ME BACK, DADDY SHERLOCK!!“. But he shouldn’t worry about the Twitter thing. No matter how little sense he made, his tweets wouldn’t be anywhere near as incoherent as those of the reigning celebrity 140-character queen, Demi Lovato.
Here’s Benedict and Tilda Swinton looking like an uptight principal and her easy-going vice principal while promoting Doctor Strange at Soho House in Berlin a few days ago.
So much for swearing up and down that you’ll keep other people’s children out of your angry Twitter tantrums.
When Kanye West released The Life of Pablo to the world, he probably assumed that people would love it so much that he’d open his front door one morning and find all of humanity gathered together, with joyful tears streaming down their faces, waiting to kiss his ass (or throw in a finger, Kanye’s choice).
Some people did really like it. And some people didn’t. One such person was a music producer named Bob Ezrin. Bob had some things to say about TLOP and Kanye’s kurrent behavior for the Lefsetz Letter (via UsWeekly), and it was pretty much the opposite of what Kanye wanted to read.
Warning: If you’re the type of person who is prone to getting headaches that are triggered by a puppet-looking rapper and a puppet-looking (insert whatever Farrah’s job title is) screaming at each other on Twitter, then you might want to go grab a whole handful of extra-strength ibuprofens before you continue to read any further.
Today’s “Jesus Take The Twitter” moment begins with Nicki Minaj. According to TMZ, Nicki decided to shit on Farrah Abraham’s parenting skills after watching an episode of Teen Mom. But rather than do it with her friends in a group text that ends with everyone receiving a picture of Farrah’s plastic IKEA funnel boobs (like the rest of us), Nicki did it on Twitter.
Because hoverboards (which don’t actually hover, but WHATEVER) were this year’s Tickle Me Elmo or Totally Hair Barbie, the internet was filled with people bragging that Santa brought them Segue’s less-dorky cousin. Of course, that means there are also some people out there who woke up Christmas morning and found a knock-off hoverboard-style GlidePlank™ under their tree. (As someone who got Gobots in their stocking, I feel you). Anyway, all that matters is that Russell Crowe’s sons Tennyson and Charles are members of the hoverboard club, and Russell got all Russell Crowe-y when he found out that you can’t bring that shit on an airplane.