Twitter continues to be a shitshow. After purchasing the third-tier social platform for $44 billion and quickly setting the advertiser program on fire, Elon Musk has been scrambling to find a way to monetize the site. His beef with the “blue checks” of Twitter, who constantly made fun of him in front of their millions of followers simply forced him to remove the verification tag and make everyone pay for it. Unfortunately, Elon’s masterful gambit didn’t work because, on top of the popular people being very vocal about how dumb his reasoning for removing the checks were, they also decided not to shell out $8 bucks for the modern version of the scarlet letter. Unable to handle being “owned” so publicly, the business titan has begun to pay for celebrities’ Twitter Blue subscriptions. The reaction to the reinstated tags has mainly been terrible.
Do you remember last year when we found out Elon Musk turned the main offices at Twitter into the worse bed and breakfast in San Francisco? There was even a lovely selection of brochure photos showing the living quarters and a glowing review from one of his most diligent workers, Esther Crawford. As she lay snugly nestled inside a sleeping bag on the floor, shielding her eyes from the embarrassment of being that stupid, she wanted everyone to rest assured, knowing she was doing whatever it took for the betterment of the team. Well, Esther, the team thanks you. And what better way to show gratitude than by giving you your walking papers because in the words of another pasty, pale-faced man baby named Donald Trump, “You’re fired“.
Hot on the heels (no, not Tom Cruise’s sizzling-hot heels) of Chrissy Teigen finding her way back to social media after a dramatic Twitter flounce that lasted all of 22 days, Katy Perry, 36, took a moment out of her busy day explaining the farting noises of her latex dress on American Idol to inform her more than 100 million followers that social media totally sucks, and that we’re all, like, doomed.
OK, I have a joke for you. A “cookbook author”, a “presenter” and an “entrepreneur” walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “what’ll it be, ladies?” All three lean over the bar and scream “HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!!?” Suddenly, an asteroid lands on the bar, and everything and everyone is instantly vaporized. That’s it. That’s the joke. The punchline could use a little work but it’s better than the truth in which Chrissy Tiegen, Jameela Jamil and Kim Kardashian continue to berate our eyeballs with their criminally stupid social media “debates.” This time it’s about Kim’s Skims maternity shapewear which Chrissy defended after Jameela said it makes pregnant women self-conscious about their growing bodies. Oh wait, did I say asteroid? I meant meatier.
The old saying “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” is not something TLC member Rozanda “Chilli‘ Thomas believes in, because she’s quick to slap a trick down like Dikembe Mutumbo in those “Not in my house!” commercials. And Chilli proved that very recently when a follower on Twitter tried to tell the world that she often gets compared to Chilli in the looks department. Well, Chilli immediately took one look at her photo and within moments crushed her hopes and dreams with a resounding, “No the fuck you don’t!”
As of right now, the closest a Cumberbitch can come (ew, truly poor word choice) to making contact with Benedict Cumberbatch is a fan letter sent opened by his assistant containing a poem about his beautiful beady eyes written in ink mixed with their own cooch juices. If Benedict Cumberbatch has his way, it’s going to stay like that.
Benedict isn’t on Instagram and he’s not on Twitter, and he recently told People he has no plans on joining because he doesn’t want to become consumed by something so “toxic.” He wants nothing to do with that social media lifestyle. Somewhere the Kardashians just recoiled in horror at the thought.
“I can’t get involved in social media because as they know, it’d be a disaster. I can’t tweet to save my life. I’d go over my character limits and never make any sense. It would just consume me and I find that whole thing ultimately very toxic. I’d much rather spend my energy doing what brought me to their attention in the first place, which is my work.”
Benedict’s kind of right, because his social media experience would be different than most. If he joined Instagram, his eyes would be consumed with trying to delete the thousands upon thousands of comments from Cumberbitches begging him to leave his fake family for them and desperate pleas to “PLEASE FOLLOW ME BACK, DADDY SHERLOCK!!“. But he shouldn’t worry about the Twitter thing. No matter how little sense he made, his tweets wouldn’t be anywhere near as incoherent as those of the reigning celebrity 140-character queen, Demi Lovato.
Here’s Benedict and Tilda Swinton looking like an uptight principal and her easy-going vice principal while promoting Doctor Strange at Soho House in Berlin a few days ago.