Ashley Olsen and her twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, are noted Hollywood recluses–unless they’re popping up in the news to remind us that they’re Hollywood recluses or one’s getting secret married or messily divorced. This time, Ashley, who’s one-half of Michelle Tanner and The Row fashion collection, got secret-married to Louis Eisner, an artist and the son of two mega-rich people. The Bel-Air ceremony was small and private, and I would wager a guess there wasn’t a dry eye or healthy lung in the house.
Well, if like me, you’ve ever fantasized about driving through the Scottish countryside and getting a flat tire, and as you stand by the side of the road, forlorn and shivering for ‘tis proper plowetery out, a figure appears out of the fog and mist, and as he approaches you, pulling off his damp wool sweater, you realize it’s Scottish pocket-hottie James McAvoy, and though you are married, the sudden mutual and intense lust between you is palpable and you tell yourself, it’s OK to fuck in this muddy field on a tartan blanket from the boot of your car, just this once, well I have bad news for you. You now have to gloss over the fact that James is also married in your fantasy, making it that much harder to finish. Because, according to Page Six, James recently revealed that he secretly married his girlfriend, Lisa Liberati.
lf you’re not familiar with Elizabeth Olsen’s character Scarlet Witch from WandaVision (I get it, Agatha’s theme song is too distracting to learn anything else), one of her powers is telekinesis. And right now, the ability to read minds is our best bet to find out if the taller Olsen sister really got married to her fiancé of two years, indie musician Robbie Arnett. The only substantial clue about their legal marital status has been a brief, sneaky hint dropped during a recent interview Elizabeth did for Variety’s Actors on Actors series.
Kristen Wiig is officially a married woman and none of us were the wiser. During an interview with Howard Stern to promote her new movie Barb and Star Go To Vista Del Mar, Kristen casually referred to her longtime lovah/fiancé since 2019, Avi Rothman, as her husband. Well, it should come as zero surprise to those of us familiar with classic schoolyard rhymes: First comes love, then comes secret twin babies, then comes a secret marriage in 2020 maybe! Well, good for Kristen. Was the marriage before or after the babies? We don’t know. Was there a wedding? We don’t know. Were there bridesmaids? I sure as hell hope not. That’s not a Bridesmaids reference, it’s a reference to me loathing the experience of being a bridesmaid. I pray that all my friends get secret-married from now on.
Frightfully intense pocket hottie Riz Ahmed has been quietly doing his thing, not bothering anybody, and minding his own damn business so well, that I totally forgot he’s British until I heard him speak on a podcast recently. So the news that he got secretly married “not very long ago” should be no surprise. According to People, Riz is so stealthy about his personal life, that he didn’t even say who he married when finally he broke the news on the podcast Grounded With Louis Theroux. I know, I know, how is an Instagram model supposed to get her follower count up if he didn’t drop that @? Well, he didn’t marry an Instagram model. Turns out it’s not a rule, just a guideline.
Page Six reports that Riz married a New York Times best selling author. I know, I know, who are her parents? Is it Cazzie David?! No! Get this, her name is Fatima Farheen Mirza, and her parents aren’t even famous.
Yesterday we learned that Ghislaine Maxwell pleaded “not guilty” to all charges related to child sex trafficking and the abhorrent shit she allegedly got up to with her deceased BFF Jeffrey Epstein. Ghislaine was denied bail due in part to the fact that she refused to disclose financial details pertaining to how the proposed $5 million bond would be secured. According to The New York Post, prosecutors claimed that Ghislaine was purposefully trying to “hide the extent of her wealth,” and as it turns out, Ghislaine has another little secret she’s been hiding. And it’s not a mustache that’s grown unchecked since her incarceration. It’s a husband!