A lot has changed in the 13 years since Avatar debuted in theaters and we all learned the true meaning of CINEMA. A week prior to that historic occasion, we thought Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel was the apex of man’s achievements in motion pictures. How wrong we were. It’s almost embarrassing how simple and easily entertained we were. Those little neutered chipmunk nubbins, mere gestures towards anatomic verisimilitude, were laughably rudimentary compared to the virile, lashing appendages of the Na’vi and we, as a culture, have been horny for tails ever since. And now, after more than a decade of looking at our pets in a way that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, the first full trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water is here to remind us of that indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim, and we masturbate to something we’ve never masturbated to before. Somehow, nut ache feels good in a place like this.
What if I told you there was a sequel to Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar on the way? I think you’d be pretty stoked, I know I would be. But what if I then told you it was directed by James Cameron and that Jamie Dornan is not in it, as far as we can tell? Perhaps your enthusiasm might begin to wane, as mine did while realizing that I was actually watching a teaser trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water, and not Barb and Star 2: Barb and Star Raid Davy Jones Locker. Variety reports that after 13 years, we finally get a glimpse of what James has been doing all this time, and apparently, he’s been trying to clear the licenses for Lisa Frank’s aquatic series of stickers to complete his vision.
No, you’re not looking at a picture of me after my mental breakdown yesterday (not enough ice cream and tears on that sweater); believe it or not, it’s actually Jennifer Aniston on the set of her new movie “Cake”. Jenny must be gunning for an Oscar nomination, because she’s put on her best version of ugly drag, which means dying her hair Nice n’ Easy 6A (Light Ash Brown) and putting on a pair of dumpy old Gap khakis from 1998.
According to the description of “Cake”, Jenny is playing “A grieving mother suffering from chronic pain in the aftermath of a fatal car accident”, and truthfully I think they’ve done a good job of making Jenny look like a sad mom. There’s nothing I hate more than when Hollywood tries to convince us a character is poor or homely by putting a gorgeous actress in an Old Navy hoodie and a ponytail. “Wait, where did Sofia Vergara go? All I see is Darlene McFugly, Kmart manager.”
I’m sure Jenny is convinced she’s pulling a Charlize Theron and has probably already started rehearsing her Academy Award acceptance speech, but she still just looks like every other person I’ve ever seen in line at Circle K buying 2-for-1 Monsters and a lottery ticket. All that’s missing is her jangling the 30 random keys on her Nascar lanyard till I give her the stink-eye.
Here’s more of Jennifer on set mentally counting down the minutes till she is able to go home and jump into a 10-gallon jug of La Mer cream, as well as her co-star Sam Worthington (who plays, let me guess, the hot guy who pulls her out of her depressive funk by fucking the hot back into her):
I asked ‘Why?’ so many times during this story of Sam Worthington punching a paparazzi in the face that I had to step away from my desk and make a little plaque for it thanking it on its dedicated service as the most overused word in my vocabulary today (don’t worry – ‘fuck’ gets a runner-up trophy).
According to TMZ, actor Sam Worthington (skinny-legs from Avatar, “Perseus” from that movie where Liam Neeson shouts RELEASE THE KRAKEN) was out walking with his girlfriend, Lara Bingle (who’s name sounds like a fancy pink Christmas tree from the 70s) in Greenwich Village when a pap came up and kicked Lara in the shin. Sam reacted how most guys would if they saw someone kick their partner, and punched the pap in the face. Sam was then charged with assault and was released, and the pap, Sheng Li, was charged with reckless endangerment, assault, and harassment, and is still in the chokey.
Okay, so I have so many questions about this situation. Why did Sheng Li randomly kick Lara Bingle in the shin? What did Lara’s shin ever do to you, Sheng? Also, why were paps following Sam Worthington? Did I miss the memo that there’s a high demand for candid shots of the guy from Man on a Ledge?
But the most important Why is…why in the name of all that is holy were they out walking around in New York FOR FUN? It’s too fucking cold for that! The last time I checked, Satan and the bottom bitch he lets control the weather had dropped the temperature to Fuck You-degrees Fahrenheit; I’m sure Sheng Li was probably just trying to kick her back inside. “You wanna audition for the role of Jack Torrance’s frozen corpse in an off-Broadway production of The Shining? Git! Git back in the house! And take your dragon-fucking boyfriend with you!”