A lot has changed in the 13 years since Avatar debuted in theaters and we all learned the true meaning of CINEMA. A week prior to that historic occasion, we thought Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel was the apex of man’s achievements in motion pictures. How wrong we were. It’s almost embarrassing how simple and easily entertained we were. Those little neutered chipmunk nubbins, mere gestures towards anatomic verisimilitude, were laughably rudimentary compared to the virile, lashing appendages of the Na’vi and we, as a culture, have been horny for tails ever since. And now, after more than a decade of looking at our pets in a way that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, the first full trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water is here to remind us of that indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim, and we masturbate to something we’ve never masturbated to before. Somehow, nut ache feels good in a place like this.
Deadline reports that Avatar 2: Whale of a Tail will first open overseas on December 14, giving the German fish-furry community first jerk, before opening in the US on December 16. Avatar 2: Dead Na’vi Tell No Tails stars Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Kate Winslet, Michelle Yeoh, Edie Falco, Stephen Lang, Giovanni Ribisi, Oona Chaplin, and Jemaine Clement. The teaser trailer that was released in May did not give much of a hint as to the plot, but since the plot of the original was little more than a device to get us from “insert point A into cavity B,” I don’t see that it matters much here either. But Deadline thinks we should know:
The Way of Water is set more than a decade after the events of the first film. It follows the Sully family (Jake, Neytiri and their kids), the trouble that follows them, the lengths they go to keep each other safe, the battles they fight to stay alive and the tragedies they endure as they fight for their home on Pandora. Brimming with stunning visuals and new creatures, the trailer also features a callback to the original movie with the signature Na’vi line: “I see you.”
Huh, was there dialog in Avatar? I guess I was too distracted by my throbbing coccyx to remember that line. Anyway, here’s the trailer for Avatar 2: A Tail and Two Titties.
I know James Cameron just wants us to sit back, shut up and enjoy the estimated three-plus hour show, so if you have questions, please hold them until the entire series is completed. Avatar 3 has already been filmed, but James isn’t sure when (or even if) parts 4 and 5 will be filmed. So, if you are over the age of 40, please just write your questions down on a piece of paper and place it in a fireproof box or safe, and James will try to get to them once his head has been defrosted and his consciousness has been uploaded to a living avatar. Hopefully, one with two fucking tails! How hot would that be?!