The stars are beefing again! This time, Viggo Mortenson and director Pedro Almodóvar are at it over the injustice that occurred in the 1999 Cannes Film Festival. Sadly, it’s not about how Dick was overlooked for the work of genius that it is, but that Rosetta beat out Pedro’s critically acclaimed All About My Mother for the Palme d’Or. There’s nothing like ancient Hollywood spats to warm the heart!
I’ve never been to the Cannes Film Festival, but I imagine there’s a lot of preparation and planning involved if you want to attend, even if it’s just as an audience member. Because The Cannes Clap is no joke and I’m not talking about the one that will have you dipping out to the nearest pharmacie for some antibiotiques. I’m talking about the standing ovations, like the 12-minute palm-punisher Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis received after its screening on Tuesday. As everybody knows, you don’t go to a Cannes screening without having done everything in your power to build up the thickest, gnarliest callouses required to endure the gauntlet of The Cannes Clap. And it’s no walk in the park for those on the receiving end either.
Jodie Turner-Smith’s Jewelry, Including Her Mother’s Wedding Ring, Was Stolen From Her Cannes Hotel Room
Variety says that on Friday, Jodie Turner-Smith’s hotel room in Cannes was robbed. She was staying at the Marriott on the Croisette (the fancy main drag), and, luckily, she was out for breakfast when the theft occurred. The robbers broke into Jodie’s room and stole jewels worth several tens of thousands of euros. They also swiped her mother’s wedding ring, which obviously had a ton of sentimental value. Goddammit, jewel thieves, have you no respect for family?!
Elena Lenina’s sequined Cinnabon breastesses may have stolen the show at the 74th Cannes Film Festival and also our hearts, but there were plenty of stunt queens to go around at the film festival and so more titty theater was in store! Bella Hadid brought her dead eyes to the Cannes red carpet and let her titties breathe in some fresh air underneath an elegant gold titty cover.
It seems that Adam Driver has discovered a new skill. Or maybe he knew about it before, but we sure didn’t. This year’s Cannes Film Festival opened with a screening of Annette, a rock opera starring Adam and Marion Cotillard. And Marion revealed that in the film, Adam makes a historic first as he sings while simulating cunnilingus. So in other words, Annette is a horror movie in the eyes (and mouth) of DJ Khaled.
We can now add spittle to the list of things the Cannes Film Festival attendees deem to be more repugnant than Roman Polanski. According to Variety, festival attendees arriving from outside of the EU are being required to visit The Drool Tent, or La Tente de Bave, if you will, to provide a saliva sample to be tested for COVID-19 before attending any events inside the Palais. Festival-goers have described the process as “really gross” but then turn around and watch Tilda Swinton in a movie about a woman suffering from “exploding head syndrome,” (via IndieWire) or worse, a movie starring Simon Rex! Yes, old Dirt Nasty himself has a movie at Cannes this year and Roman Polanski does not. The earth is healing.