You’re not a real American unless you’re wearing a red, white, and blue bikini while lighting off red, white and blue roman candles out of your nostrils as you sport a huge tattoo of the raising of the flag at Iwo Jima on your right asscheek. Hence, the Neil Armstrong biopic First Man, starring Ryan Gosling, has already been called un-American by failed 2016 presidential candidate Marco Rubio and Breitbart for not including the lunar planting of the flag scene. You’ve probably already stopped reading this to muse about Ryan Gosling in a bikini. Me too.
Crowds didn’t exactly swamp the movie theater this weekend to spend three hours with Harrison Ford and Ryan Gosling in Blade Runner 2049 — even if Harrison really did punch precious pony Ryan! Continue reading
When the world’s gone to shit, sometimes it’s holding on to rage over the little things that helps us survive the Big Stuff. One of those little things is the papyrus font. So, many people felt Saturday Night Live’s takedown of the only font that might challenge Comic Sans as the world’s most hated font. Here’s the skit:
It turns out the creator of Papyrus, Chris Costello, has seen the skit and has some choice words for all you haters out there.
Harrison Ford is forever? Maybe that explains how his 75-year-old ass has been able to walk away from multiple plane accidents.
Last December, Ryan Gosling told GQ a story about how he took a punch to his pretty face from Harrison while filming Blade Runner 2049. It was during a take where Harrison was supposed to stage punch Ryan, but Harrison ended up getting a real one in. Now it’s time for Harrison’s side of the story.
One of the internet’s favorite moments of this year’s Oscars came immediately after PricewaterhouseCooper’s Best Picture fuck up. When La La Land producer Jordan Horowitz triggered the world’s largest collective gasp by calling Moonlight as Best Picture, a serious-looking Ryan Gosling suddenly started giggling. It was like watching a stoned teenager react to an adult saying the words “joint checking account.” It made no sense, but it was fully enjoyable to watch.
People says that Ryan explained that moment during an appearance at the Adobe Summit in Las Vegas yesterday. Apparently Ryan started laughing because he was just so happy no one was leaving the stage on a stretcher.
“What really was happening as I was watching, it was surreal anyway, I was watching people start to have this panicked reaction in the crowd and guys were coming on with headsets and I felt like someone had been hurt. I thought there was some kind of medical situation, and I had this worst-case scenario playing out in my head. And then I just heard Moonlight won and I was so relieved that I started laughing.”
Ryan adds he was “thrilled” with the results, because he knows Moonlight’s director Barry Jenkins and loved the movie.
Really though, I’m surprised by Ryan. If he thought something was wrong, why didn’t he spring into action? I think we can all agree the worst-case situation would have been an on-stage heart attack. And that’s no problem for Ryan Gosling. All he has to do is approach the body and whisper “Hey girl or guy“, and the victim’s heart will immediately start beating again. Ryan Gosling is nature’s defibrillator.
We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.
My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.
Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.
And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.