Category: Javier Bardem

The Gaping Butthole Is The True (Dirt) Star Of The “Dune” Trailer

September 9, 2020 / Posted by:

Let’s see, a dusty, raggedy, hungry hole of doom that men will run from at first sight? Why it’s like looking into a mirror… while back down/legs up.

If you’re in certain parts of California, you can look outside of your window and see scenes straight out of Dune thanks to the demonic wildfires. But for others, the trailer for Denis Villeneuve’s take on Frank Herbert’s novel Dune came out today and it’s very Weekend At Burning Man. And I’m sure many a hard-trick are throwing death glares at the grains of sand because millions of them probably got up in Jason Momoa’s crotch during the filming of this. Speaking of Jason, he’s actually not the best part of the trailer. That title solely belongs to the no-no-faced sandworm above. Although, it’s not the biggest asshole in the movie. I mean, Josh Brolin is in this after all.

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Javier Bardem Might Play King Triton In Disney’s Live-Action “The Little Mermaid”

July 18, 2019 / Posted by:

It looks like poor Terry Crews isn’t taking his meaty pecs under the sea and we aren’t going to see a topless Idris Elba in a flowy white beard wig, because there’s a report that Javier Bardem is going to be King Triton to Halle Bailey’s Ariel in the live-action The Little Mermaid, alongside Awkwafina as Scuttle, Jacob Tremblay as Flounder, Maybe Harry Styles as Prince Eric, and Maybe Melissa McCarthy as Ursula.

Ariel’s mom is also reportedly in this, and they’re in the process of casting that role, in case you’re wondering if Javier being Halle’s father is a Victor Garber + Whoopi Goldberg = Filipino son situation.

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Jason Momoa Will Be Joining The Cast Of The “Dune” Remake

February 15, 2019 / Posted by:

The Dune remake that’s set to star everybody’s favorite little peach fucker Timothée Chalamet is about to get a hot beef injection with the addition of everybody’s favorite fish-man (sorry James Cameron, you lose again!) Jason Momoa. Jason will be playing the character of sword-master (tee-hee) Duncan Idaho. According to Deadline:

Momoa joins an already stellar cast of Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Ferguson, Zendaya, Oscar Isaac, Dave Bautista, Stellan Skarsgård, Charlotte Rampling, Javier Bardem, and Josh Brolin. The script was written by (Denis) Villeneuve, Eric Roth and Jon Spaihts.

I tried to read Dune once and it did not go well (I kept falling asleep). I also tried to watch the 1984 David Lynch one, and that did not go well either (I fell asleep). Then my nerdy ass husband tried to make me watch the miniseries from 2000 that was on the Sci-Fi Channel and well, I think you can guess how that went (you guys, it was so boring and I was really tired, ok). Therefore, I only know enough about Dune to make jokes about spice eyes and sand worms. Which is plenty good enough for me! Thank god for Wikipedia though. I can tell you that Jason probably won’t have to cut off his hair and get divorced from Lisa Bonet, because according to the 1965 novel, Duncan is described as “a handsome man with ‘curling black hair’ to whom women are easily attracted”. So it sounds like they hit the nail on the head there.


Javier Bardem Is Still Standing By Woody Allen

October 17, 2018 / Posted by:

In April, Javier Bardem admitted during an interview that he had doubts about Dylan Farrow’s allegations against Woody Allen. Javier added that the only way he’d stop working with Woody is if there was evidence proving that Woody is a creep of the highest order. Javier worked with Woody on Vicky Cristina Barcelona, a movie in which his wife Penelope Cruz ended up winning a Best Supporting Actress Oscar. So clearly Woody has some kind of special, weird place in his heart. A heart that probably has received many messages from the brain asking, “Are you sure you want to keep that creep Woody around?

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Woody Allen Has Javier Bardem’s Support

April 20, 2018 / Posted by:

Woody Allen’s next movie is probably going to have to star Diane Keaton, Alec Baldwin, Cate Blanchett, and maybe Kate Winslet if he’s lucky (depending on the current state of her “bitter regrets”). Poor Woody, that’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel! Luckily, he can add Javier Bardem to the list of actors who will still fuck with him, so that’s at least one more second-rate unknown bit player Woody can count on.

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“Howdy, And Welcome To Miss Jenny’s Good Time Saloon”

September 11, 2017 / Posted by:

Jennifer Lawrence made her long-awaited return to the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday for the premiere of mother!, a film which will reportedly make you say “What in the fuck?” in either the good way or the bad way. JLaw didn’t trip up the red carpet, but she did arrive looking like the madame of a My Fair Lady-inspired cathouse. “You could do more than dance all night, but it’s gonna cost you an extra $200, hun. And I don’t want to hear about the ‘rain’ in Spain falling anywhere but the plain, you catch my drift?

I get about 98% of her Dolce & Gabbana look here (sparkles, ribbons, boobies – all major players in a razzle-dazzle moment). But then my eyes got to the shoes and I was very confuse.

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