People Are Not Impressed By Juergen Teller’s Latest Photos for W Magazine

The memes are flying since W Magazine published its annual Best Performances issue featuring photographs taken by world-renowned photographer Juergen Teller, who, even though his aesthetic hasn’t really changed much since the 90s, has been getting roasted on Twitter for his crimes against glamour. But even though my arts education consists of one art history class taken at Laney Jr. College (B-, thank you very much. I know my columns), even I can tell that not just any asshole with an iPhone can be a great photographer. It takes a real visionary like Juergen to talk Robin Wright into squatting behind a tree in broad daylight. I mean, he did refuse to photograph Miley Cyrus so we know he has taste!

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Riz Ahmed Got Secret Married To A Writer

Frightfully intense pocket hottie Riz Ahmed has been quietly doing his thing, not bothering anybody, and minding his own damn business so well, that I totally forgot he’s British until I heard him speak on a podcast recently. So the news that he got secretly married “not very long ago” should be no surprise. According to People, Riz is so stealthy about his personal life, that he didn’t even say who he married when finally he broke the news on the podcast Grounded With Louis Theroux. I know, I know, how is an Instagram model supposed to get her follower count up if he didn’t drop that @? Well, he didn’t marry an Instagram model. Turns out it’s not a rule, just a guideline.

Page Six reports that Riz married a New York Times best selling author. I know, I know, who are her parents? Is it Cazzie David?! No! Get this, her name is Fatima Farheen Mirza, and her parents aren’t even famous.

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Diddy Either DGAF Or GAF 

Answer: Diddy gives a fuck, like a lot of fucks.

During the red beige and blue carpet posing portion of last night’s Met Gala, Diddy worked the cameras with his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-again piece Cassie, and at one point he lounged on the steps like a man casually lounging on a display at Forever 21 while his girlfriend gets in a long line to try on a pair of jeans. That little smooth move brought out a dozen “Diddy Don’t Give A Fuck” headlines. Au contraire, bitch. Diddy does give a fuck and that shameless spotlight-shifting whore knew what he was doing.

Cassie stood there in a field of humongous ass sea urchins, working for those camera clicks, as Diddly easily got the cameras to move his way by casually strolling to the stairs for a little lounging time. Cassie’s dress is covered with giant plastic caterpillars (or are those giant Groucho Marx brows?) and Diddy gets all the attention by simply lounging like an evil vampire lounging on a velvet settee while eyeing his prey from across the room. Diddy wants us to think he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about her,” but we all know he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about moi.”

With that being said, I’d probably do the same thing, because standing is hard. And also, that dramatic lying down pose really does show off Diddy’s “Steven Seagal spending a casual afternoon at home” outfit.

And now we end our never-ending Mess Gala 2017 coverage with several dollops of hotness provided by the dudes of the night including ASkars, Riz Ahmed, Rami Malek and Luke Evans.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

And Now For The Dudes Of The Oscars

We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.

My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.

Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.

And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash