Dame Joan Collins May Be Friends With Kris Jenner But She’s Still Got Shit To Say About The Kardashians’ Plastic Surgeries
That high-pitched screeching sound that is punching you in the eardrums is Katie Couric wailing with the realization that her little memoir, Going There, is going there alright. “There” being the very bottom of the clearance bin next to whatever is left of her good friend Matt Lauer’s career. Because Dame Joan Collins also has a memoir coming out this month. Katie may have thought that dragging the likes of Martha Stewart, Deborah Norville, Prince Harry, Diane Sawyer, and Ashleigh Banfield while sucking on the slimy predator ass of Matt Lauer would sell books. But sorry, Katie’s words are about as interesting as the words on an instruction manual for a spatula now that Dame Joan is dropping a book.
In 88-year-old Joan’s latest book, My Unapologetic Diaries, she lives up to its title by giving her unapologetic thoughts on Linda Evans, Sophia Loren’s teeth, the “real obesity problem” (read: fat Juvederm slug lips), and how her good friend Pimp Mama Kris’ daughters have overtaken China as the leading contributor of plastic waste. Yes, she calls out the Kardashians for getting plastic surgery. Not only will her memoir get a Pulitzer Prize, but it’ll also be the big winner at The Brand New Information Awards.
The Governors Awards are a classy affair, you can just tell by the name. According to The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the GA are “an annual event celebrating awards conferred by the Academy’s Board of Governors – the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award, the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award and the Honorary Award.” Basically, they are really the precum of the actual Oscars. Which might explain why so many ladies came dressed in nothing but a satin sheet. Nothing shows off precum quite like a satin bed sheet!
Sophia Loren didn’t really need to explain the master class in side-eye-throwing she gave in that vintage masterpiece above, which is the Mona Lisa of the International Museum of Shade, but she did anyway and my soul is glad she did. Because Sophia’s explanation of the picture is almost better than the picture itself and has taken me higher than the clouds in heaven (which probably look like Jayne Mansfield’s chichis). Now we all know that’s a “Please don’t let her titties explode all over the place and smudge my impeccable eyebrow situation” side-eye. Sophia explained it like this to Entertainment Weekly:
“Paramount had organized a party for me. All of cinema was there, it was incredible. And then comes in Jayne Mansfield, the last one to come. For me, that was when it got amazing. She came right for my table. She knew everyone was watching. She sat down. And now, she was barely…Listen. Look at the picture. Where are my eyes? I’m staring at her nipples because I am afraid they are about to come onto my plate.
In my face you can see the fear. I’m so frightened that everything in her dress is going to blow—BOOM!—and spill all over the table. There may be other photos, but this is the picture. This is the one that shows how it was. This is the only picture.
Many, many times I am given this photo to autograph it. And I never do. I don’t want to have anything to do with that. And also out of respect for Jayne Mansfield because she’s not with us anymore.”
Finally, that masterpiece has a title: The Fear Of Nipples On My Plate.