Learning that someone never had pie until they were fully into adulthood inspires the same reaction as when someone tells you they’ve never seen a Star Wars movie. They receive an outraged look and a befuddled “really bitch?!?” This comparison might not make sense to you if you’re not a huge dork like me. So, yeah, Nosferatu-esque actress Rooney Mara claims she didn’t have pie until she was a grown-ass woman. I’d arrest the parents.
Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, were rumored to have gotten together during the filming of Mary Magdalene. Then they were reportedly seen on a romantic getaway at a colonics spa. They let everyone know they’re a couple by making their first real public appearance at Cannes’ Closing Ceremony on Sunday. Rooney and Joaquin didn’t confirm they were together in the traditional famous people way, ie. by making sure every photographer in attendance got a good clear shot of them kissing on the red carpet. They’re too cool for such pedestrian shenanigans.
Hollywood did an English-language remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo in 2011, because they knew that us Americans are way too lazy to read subtitles while watching the Swedish version. Besides, how can I troll Grindr and answer e-mails in the movie theater when I have to read subtitles?! David Fincher directed the American version and Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig took over for Noomi Rapace (as Lisbeth Salander) and Michael Nyqvist (as the journalist dude). It cost $90 million to make and made around $233 million worldwide.
David Fincher planned to get everyone back together to do an American version of The Girl Who Played With Fire, the second book in Stieg Larsson’s series, but that obviously never happened. Deadline says that Sony is now making plans to do an American movie version of The Girl In The Spider’s Web, the fourth book in the series, but David, Rooney and Daniel will not be involved at all. I know, if it’s not going to have any Daniel Craig nips in it, why bother?
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
A few days ago it was reported that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, clearly all horny from the sexual tension that comes from playing Mary and Jesus, had hooked up while shooting Mary Magdalene together. A source claimed Rooney bailed on the Golden Globes because she was holed up in the desert with Joaquin. As it turns out, that source wasn’t being too subtle when they said Rooney and Joaquin were “holed up.” Page Six claims that one of the things they’ve been doing in the desert has been pouring juice into one hole and flushing it out through another.
A source says that Rooney and Joaquin have already entered the stage of their relationship that includes couples colonics. It’s just like what that old man from the eHarmony ads is always saying: the couple that gets their ass cavities professionally blasted with lukewarm water together, stays together. Rooney and Joaquin are reportedly spending time at the We Care Spa in Desert Hot Springs, CA. It all sounds incredibly romantic.
“They are there continuing to ‘find love,’ but also some health, as he is doing his annual pilgrimage to the spa. Joaquin and his lady love are down for some R&R, sipping juices and a few colonics…good times!”
Who knew that juice and colonics was an annual thing for Joaquin? I wonder if the spa ever tries to sell him on any other amenities. “You know, Mr. Phoenix, we also offer a colonic for your whole body. It’s called a shower. Just the colonic today? Okay.”
It’s starting to feel like today’s theme is on-screen couples who turn into real-life couples. First was Peggy and Ed from Fargo possibly getting engaged, and now we’ve got Jesus and Mary Magdalene possibly getting together. Page Six says that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix found misunderstood moody thespian love with each other on the set of Mary Magdalene. Rooney plays the original hooker with a heart of gold and Joaquin is playing Jesus. It’s like come-to-life Bible fan fiction!
Sources say that 31-year-old Rooney and 42-year-old Joaquin got together some time during filming and have been together ever since. But a rep for Joaquin says he’s just “good friends” with Rooney, and that they happen to work together a lot. They’ve worked together once before on Her, and are scheduled to work on another film together called Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot in 2018.
The timing is a little suspicious. Rooney has dated Charlie McDowell, the son of Malcolm McDowell and Mary Steenburgen, for six years. But Page Six notes that the two of them haven’t been seen in public together since August. Neither of their reps had any comment about that.
Rooney was in Lion, which was nominated for several awards at the Golden Globes last weekend. But she was a no-show for the ceremony. A source claims she was missing from the GGs because she was “holed up in the desert” with Joaquin instead. That sounds like the opposite of sexy. Deserts are dry, and putting the word “hole” that close to the opposite of moist sounds like a bad time for all involved. Not to mention that deserts are also usually hot, and Joaquin’s greasy ass probably doesn’t do so well in the heat.