In 2016 they offered us a live-action Barbie movie starring Amy Schumer and we said, “lol. No, thanks.” “Fine, Anne Hathatawy?,” they asked, and it being 2017 we said “look, we’re still trying to recover from Les Mis. Please leave us alone.” Then, like a year later, they said, “well, how about if Greta Gerwig writes and directs?” and we said, “whatever dudes, You do you.” Then they came back with “OK, so Greta’s definitely in and we are thinking Margot Robbie as Barbie? We getting warmer?” and we said, “we’re listening.” Then they said “Great! And as a reward for your patience, how about we give you Ryan Gosling as Ken” and we said “lol. OK, well in that case…”
Elizabeth Banks is only three films into her directing career and each more filled with LIES than the last! First there was 2015’s unnecessary sequel Pitch Perfect 2, starring a dubiously aged Rebel Wilson, followed by 2019’s unnecessary sequel Charlie’s Angels, starring a dubiously angelic Kristen Stuart. Now we have the first trailer for Elizabeth’s third outing, Cocaine Bear, which purports to be “inspired by true events” and features a dubiously alive and vicious bear on a rampage after having ingested 76 pounds of cocaine that fell from the sky in a Kentucky forest in 1985.
Open Post: Hosted By The Trailer For Tom Brady’s Passion Project “80 For Brady” AKA The Passion Of The Yikes
I don’t know why it happened, I don’t know how it happened. Similarly, I don’t know what it’s for, and I don’t know who it’s for. Nor do I know when it happened, or, after having watched the trailer, IF it actually happened at all. By my count, no fewer than seven CGI Guy Fieri’s are featured here. Variety has attempted to outline a few of the basic facts related to 80 for Brady, a movie starring four of Hollywood’s most iconic actresses as obsessed Tom Brady fans who “travel to the 2017 Super Bowl to see Brady on the field,” but unfortunately, their reporting has left me with more questions than answers. The only thing I’m 100% sure about in regards to 80 for Brady, produced by and starring Tom as himself, and Tom’s work wife, Rob Gronkowski, as the inspiration for one of the ladies’ “Gronk erotica,” is that Gisele Bundchen’s jiu-jitsu instructor is definitely getting pinned tonight.
Open Post: Hosted By The Trailer For “Magic Mike’s Last Dance” Featuring Salma Hayek In The Role Originally Played By Thandiwe Newton
Cast your memory back to February of this year. It was the best of times (somebody gave Nick Cannon a vending machine full of condoms), it was the worst of times (he never used them), it was an age of wisdom (Channing Tatum said he almost didn’t do Magic Mike 3 for the sake of his health), it was the age of foolishness (Thandiwe Newton dropped out of MM3 after reportedly fighting with Channing over The Oscar’s Slap). And because the good and wise times hence have gone unheeded, Nick’s expecting baby #12, and we now have the first trailer for Magic Mike’s Last Dance in which Salma Hayek doffs Thandiwe’s fedora and brushes Channing’s “well-defined six-pack.” It’s as if we’ve learned nothing in all this time, yet somehow, simultaneously, we found the meaning of life. Light and dark. Hope and despair. Magical Michael and his merry band of manly men may just make horny believers of us all.
Here’s The Trailer For “John Wick: Chapter 4” Starring Keanu Reeves Who Might Also Appear In The Ana de Armas Led Spin-Off “Ballerina”
Like, off the top of my head, if you asked me what the John Wick movies are about, I’d just list a bunch of things like Keanu Reeves, dogs, guns, swords, rain, code words, horses, museum display cases, and Halle Berry that one time. The “plot” is so ephemeral and unimportant, they’re essentially impressionist paintings of murder and mayhem. The trailer for John Wick: Chapter 4 is no different, except it’s got Bill Skarsgård that one time instead of Halle Berry, and my impression is that it looks like a Pissarro. And I’m gonna watch the shit out of it just like I have the previous three. This means I’ll probably also watch the Degas -nspired spin-off Ballerina starring Ana de Armas, in which Keanu “is expected to make an appearance,” to see if he can help Ana break the curse we can only assume Jennifer Lynn Affleck placed upon her career.
A lot has changed in the 13 years since Avatar debuted in theaters and we all learned the true meaning of CINEMA. A week prior to that historic occasion, we thought Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel was the apex of man’s achievements in motion pictures. How wrong we were. It’s almost embarrassing how simple and easily entertained we were. Those little neutered chipmunk nubbins, mere gestures towards anatomic verisimilitude, were laughably rudimentary compared to the virile, lashing appendages of the Na’vi and we, as a culture, have been horny for tails ever since. And now, after more than a decade of looking at our pets in a way that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, the first full trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water is here to remind us of that indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim, and we masturbate to something we’ve never masturbated to before. Somehow, nut ache feels good in a place like this.