Open Post: Hosted By The Trailer For Tom Brady’s Passion Project “80 For Brady” AKA The Passion Of The Yikes
I don’t know why it happened, I don’t know how it happened. Similarly, I don’t know what it’s for, and I don’t know who it’s for. Nor do I know when it happened, or, after having watched the trailer, IF it actually happened at all. By my count, no fewer than seven CGI Guy Fieri’s are featured here. Variety has attempted to outline a few of the basic facts related to 80 for Brady, a movie starring four of Hollywood’s most iconic actresses as obsessed Tom Brady fans who “travel to the 2017 Super Bowl to see Brady on the field,” but unfortunately, their reporting has left me with more questions than answers. The only thing I’m 100% sure about in regards to 80 for Brady, produced by and starring Tom as himself, and Tom’s work wife, Rob Gronkowski, as the inspiration for one of the ladies’ “Gronk erotica,” is that Gisele Bundchen’s jiu-jitsu instructor is definitely getting pinned tonight.
I have to say, out of all of the career shifts in human history, this one makes the most sense to me. Former NFL player and Super Bowl champion, Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski is joining the WWE. I mean, has anything else made more sense to you? Sure makes more sense than Lindsay Lohan‘s singing career.
If you saw that “Gronk” was trending on Twitter yesterday and thought to yourself, “Is that the guy from Emperor’s New Groove? Why is he trending?” I have news for you: That character’s name is Kronk. With a K.
29-year-old Rob Gronkowski announced that he’s retiring from the game of football and apparently people care. TMZ is reporting that my uncle is finally going to read one of my posts on this site because it’s about one of his favorite football players retiring. The New England Patriot tight end (which is also the name of my Grindr profile) announced on Instagram that he is leaving pro football after almost ten years in the sport.
My mom always sends me articles about how I’m being a total moron each time I post to Instagram and Facebook when I’m on vacation because it alerts knaves that I’m out of town and how it’d be a good time to rob me. If knaves are that hungry for a mildewed DVD box set of Friends and a bottle of poppers, I’ll let them have them. Considering New England Patriots tight end (teehee) Rob Gronkowski spent his weekend at the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, he didn’t need to bother with the social media update. The knaves knew he was away, and it appears they took off with a lot of stuff. Continue reading
Everybody’s favorite (or maybe it’s just me) lovable muscled-up bag of douche water Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots took off his “It Ain’t Going To Suck Itself” underwear for one of the bro-iest bro photo shoots that GQ has probably ever seen. If The Situation from Jersey Shore and a Jäger shot floating in a sorority girl’s belly button art directed a photo shoot together, it would look a lot like the frat-tastic shoot that The Gronk and model Hailey Clauson did for GQ. I’m not complaining, though, because they gave us some Gronk ass.
And I’m going to choose to believe that in the picture above, Hailey Clauson looks like she’s about to fall into a coma because she’s so stunned by The Gronk’s magnificent Gronkaconda. Dick so big that it’ll make you pass out at first sight. Yeah, that must be it.
There’s more pics at GQ.
If I would’ve known that something called The Gronk’s Party Ship was happening before it happened, I still wouldn’t have packed a duffle bag full of antibiotics and jumped aboard, but I’m still glad it happened, because it has gifted my eyes with many bro jewels.
Rob Gronkowski, the hot douche meathead from the New England Patriots, hosted a 3-day booze cruise to the Bahamas this past weekend and if you know of The Gronk, it went exactly the way you’d think it went. Everybody was pretty much shit-faced the entire time, they were entertained by Flo Rida, Waka Flaka Flame and Redfoo from LMFAO, The Gronk offered a couple $10,000 to fuck in front of everyone and another couple got engaged on the ship. Nice try, second couple, but getting engaged on The Gronk cruise isn’t as nearly as romantic as fucking in front of everyone on The Gronk cruise.
If you put a magnifying glass over a Jäger shot sitting in the belly button of a Spring Breaker covered in body glitter, you’d see scenes from The Gronk’s booze cruise. It was like a bro’s heaven. There were probably more crabs on the boat than in the sea below them. Deadspin, ESPN and The Boston Globe all have a rundown of The Gronk’s booze cruise, but here’s something that happened. The Gronk served up drunken moves with Flo Rida’s back-up dancers. He looks like a methed-up Baby Huey trying to put out a fire on the ground as red ants attack his ass and dick.
But the best part of The Gronk’s party cruise is that most of the ship had no idea what was going on. 700 people were part of The Gronk’s cruise and the other 1,600 people on the ship thought they were going on a regular, boring sail to the Bahamas. They had no idea that they were about to be trapped in a floating Spring Break nightmare. The mixture of random old people mixed with Gronk fans produced this beautiful moment:
— James Reed (@jreedwrites) February 20, 2016
Grandmas getting down + bros in bucket hats with hot moves + Montell Jordan + a half-empty dance floor = me channeling Old Rose by saying, “The Gronk Party Cruise was the ship of dreams….”
Pic: Boston Globe/Getty