Amy Schumer Is Barbie

December 2, 2016 / Posted by:

“Um, Michael, you dumb bitch, that’s now how you spell ‘a drunk Cabbage Patch Doll.’” – everyone

2016 shoved another bold-faced ? into all of our brains today when it was announced that Amy Schumer is starring in Sony’s live-action Barbie movie. That pounding sound you hear is from the thousands of think pieces being written about this right now.

Barbie’s waist is about the size of a flea’s cock ring, her arms are skinnier than floss, her tits are nipple-less and she’s got a case of no-ass. Amy Schumer’s body doesn’t look like that, but Deadline says there’s a reason for why she’s starring in the Barbie movie.

Amy is playing a character who lives in Barbieland, but is ran out of that pink-coated town of perfection for not being like the other Barbies. It’s going to basically be a Barbie-fied Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Aside from the fact that she has Barbie hair, Schumer’s growing stature as a role model for female empowerment fits perfectly with how the film will exploit Barbie’s evolution into dolls of different sizes and shapes.

Schumer will play a character who lives in Barbieland, among all of the various Barbie characters beloved by doll collectors (there are dolls covering over 180 careers). In a fish out of water story reminiscent of films like Splash and Big, Schumer’s Barbie gets kicked out, basically because she’s not perfect enough, is a bit eccentric and doesn’t quite fit the mold. She then goes on an adventure in the real world and by the time she returns to Barbieland to save it, she has gained the realization that perfection comes on the inside, not the outside, and that the key to happiness is belief in one self, free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection.

Sony is planning to put out their Barbie movie in 2018. They’re looking for a director right now. The script was written by Hillary Winston, and Deadline says that Amy will work on it a bit. Sony is going for a PG-rating, so don’t expect a scene where a drunk Barbie barfs on Ken after butt sex when she notices that she left a raisin on his plastic dick. (I’m still expecting that scene. It is Amy Schumer after all! Don’t disappoint me, Amy!)

And right now, the only thing I have to say about this Barbie movie is that if Peaches & Cream Barbie isn’t in it, it can go straight to the Ninth Circle along with 2016.

Pic: Getty

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