Open Post: Hosted By The Trailer For Tom Brady’s Passion Project “80 For Brady” AKA The Passion Of The Yikes
I don’t know why it happened, I don’t know how it happened. Similarly, I don’t know what it’s for, and I don’t know who it’s for. Nor do I know when it happened, or, after having watched the trailer, IF it actually happened at all. By my count, no fewer than seven CGI Guy Fieri’s are featured here. Variety has attempted to outline a few of the basic facts related to 80 for Brady, a movie starring four of Hollywood’s most iconic actresses as obsessed Tom Brady fans who “travel to the 2017 Super Bowl to see Brady on the field,” but unfortunately, their reporting has left me with more questions than answers. The only thing I’m 100% sure about in regards to 80 for Brady, produced by and starring Tom as himself, and Tom’s work wife, Rob Gronkowski, as the inspiration for one of the ladies’ “Gronk erotica,” is that Gisele Bundchen’s jiu-jitsu instructor is definitely getting pinned tonight.
Variety reports that 80 for Brady is “based on a true story,” so we have no choice but to believe that a 45-year-old quarterback lost his wife so he could moonlight as a movie producer who only produces movies about himself, a 45-year-old quarterback who lost his wife because he didn’t know when to quit. Why Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Rita Moreno, and Sally Field agreed to portray the daffy, clueless, horny, 80-year-old bedazzled NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS FANS in Tom’s auto-erotic fever dream is beyond me. Here’s the trailer, which also includes appearances by Billy Porter, Ron Funches, Jimmy O. Yang, the aforementioned Guys Fieri, and Harry Hamlin phoning it in as a man who might consider fucking the 80-year-old character who’s had the LEAST amount of work done. Based on a “true story,” my ASS.
I mean, I get it. If I had a wife and bunch of kids nagging me all the time and millions of dollars to spend on myself (and counting. Backwards.), I’d try to avoid them too by starting my own vanity project production company so I could run off with my BFF to relive our glory days and maybe, perhaps, explore some of our deepest, darkest sexual fantasies in the process.
Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that this movie is made entirely from the discarded edits of Super Bowl commercials? Thank GOD Dolly Parton had the sense to tell Jane and Lily she’d catch up with them another time.