In 2016 they offered us a live-action Barbie movie starring Amy Schumer and we said, “lol. No, thanks.” “Fine, Anne Hathatawy?,” they asked, and it being 2017 we said “look, we’re still trying to recover from Les Mis. Please leave us alone.” Then, like a year later, they said, “well, how about if Greta Gerwig writes and directs?” and we said, “whatever dudes, You do you.” Then they came back with “OK, so Greta’s definitely in and we are thinking Margot Robbie as Barbie? We getting warmer?” and we said, “we’re listening.” Then they said “Great! And as a reward for your patience, how about we give you Ryan Gosling as Ken” and we said “lol. OK, well in that case…”
Many get a case of hardened nipple knobs and moist tips over Ryan Gosling and I never really have until now! Just slap a bootleg Legend of Billie Jean wig onto his head, slather his skin with fake tan paint (in shade: Tang dream) and dress him in the finest clothes found in the clearance bin of a Miller’s Outpost circa 1989, and you’ve got instant hotness! Warner Bros. released the first pic of Ryan Gosling as Ken, in the Barbie movie and he looks like every generic bad boy in an 80s comedy. In other words, Ryan Gosling has never looked hotter!
Move aside, gay Tinky Winky! We’ve got a new child’s toy for people to freak out over: Possessed Yoga Barbie. Our favorite doll has gotten a lot of heat over the years. Sometimes it’s for her unhealthy body standards or her distaste for math, but this latest controversy was uncovered by the keen eyes of Christian influencer Yasmeen Suri. Yasmeen came across a Yoga Barbie doll at her local Target and immediately sensed some bad vibes emanating from deep within her plastic body.
Prior to Nicki Minaj throwing on a blonde wig and parading around half-naked for a few dollars the world had Barbie, Mattel’s OG bad bitch who has been sitting atop mountains of cash since the 1950s. And even to this day Barbie brings in the big bucks with a reported gross of almost a billion dollars in 2021. So of course, what better way to squeeze more money out of one of Mattel’s top earners than by finally creating a live-action feature film starring a woman who already looks like a walking department store mannequin, Margot Robbie. It was announced over two years ago that Margot Robbie will play Barbie in a movie that will be written by Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach and directed by Greta. That whole sentence is WTF personified, but the movie moved forward and is currently shooting in London, so Warner Bros. shared a pic of Margot Robbie in Barbie cosplay and it looks like Margot Robbie in a pink car.
If you thought that Greta Gerwig’s live-action Barbie movie co-written by Noah Baumbach and starring Margot Robbie was the result of a fever dream you had after smoking some Barbie OG while watching Lady Bird, it was not. It’s a real thing and it’s still happening. And well, real-life Ken Doll Matt Bomer can go ahead and dump all those bottles of Sun-In and hair bleach into the dumpster, because Ryan Gosling is probably going to be saying, “Hey Girl Barbie,” as Ken.
This live-action Barbie movie has taken more twists and turns than the waist of a Twist n’ Turn Barbie. First Mattel was working with Sony on a live-action Barbie movie written by and starring Amy Schumer. Amy Schumer dropped out because of a scheduling conflict. Then Anne Hathaway was in talks, and eventually the role of Barbie went to Margot Robbie, with Patty Jenkins possibly directing. And now there’s a new development, and it’s 100% more random.