Open Post: Hosted By The Trailer For Tom Brady’s Passion Project “80 For Brady” AKA The Passion Of The Yikes
I don’t know why it happened, I don’t know how it happened. Similarly, I don’t know what it’s for, and I don’t know who it’s for. Nor do I know when it happened, or, after having watched the trailer, IF it actually happened at all. By my count, no fewer than seven CGI Guy Fieri’s are featured here. Variety has attempted to outline a few of the basic facts related to 80 for Brady, a movie starring four of Hollywood’s most iconic actresses as obsessed Tom Brady fans who “travel to the 2017 Super Bowl to see Brady on the field,” but unfortunately, their reporting has left me with more questions than answers. The only thing I’m 100% sure about in regards to 80 for Brady, produced by and starring Tom as himself, and Tom’s work wife, Rob Gronkowski, as the inspiration for one of the ladies’ “Gronk erotica,” is that Gisele Bundchen’s jiu-jitsu instructor is definitely getting pinned tonight.
Congratulations! It’s an abuelita! The Fast Family just got a little bit bigger, as it seems to do every damn day (they use the rhythm method), with the addition of the one and only Rita Moreno who will be playing Vin Diesel’s grandmother in Fast X, the upcoming penultimate installment of the Fast and Furious franchise. Rita will be joining other franchise newborns Jason Mamoa, Brie Larson and The Transporter director Louis Leterrier who is replacing OG Fast director Justin Lin who bailed on Fast X after reportedly beefing with Vin. But if Vin thought bringing a sweet old lady like Rita into the fold would be without risk, he’s got another thing coming. Don’t FUCK with Rita. She cheated on Brando with Elvis for revenge. And it worked. She will bury anyone who crosses her. If Vin still has a single working brain cell, he better use it to have fresh flowers to be sent to Rita’s trailer every day because when the next Fast Feud comes, and it’s gonna come, he’s gonna want to have Rita in his corner.
Somebody please check on Lady Gaga because the critics are finally shouting A STAR IS BORN and it’s not because they just now got around to watching their screeners from three years ago. They are talking about Rachel Zegler who makes her big-screen debut as Maria in Steven Spielberg and Tony Kushner’s remake of West Side Story which in early reviews is being heralded as “phenomenal” and a “triumph,” with outstanding performances by Rachel, Ariana DeBose as Anita and David Alvarez as Bernardo, that Ansel Elgort is also in. Finally, Martin Scorsese can stop asking who he has to blow to get some CINEMA up in this bitch! Turns out it was his old pal Spielberg all along.
I feel like we’ve been hearing about Steven Spielberg’s West Side Story adaptation for the better part of this millennium. After being pushed back a full year cuz of the pandemic, the movie is set to be released on December 10. And during last night’s Oscars, the trailer finally dropped! And this shit’s got it all: Ansel Elgort’s spectacularly punchable face, newcomer Rachel Zegler as Maria, lots of dancing, dance-fighting, 50s sets and costumes, the triumphant return of Rita Moreno, and Ansel Elgort’s spectacularly punchable face. Oh, did I repeat myself? Apologies. It’s just so… dang… punchable. I have to keep taking breaks from writing because my hands are involuntarily curling up into fists! That is the power of Ansel. Continue reading
Steven Spielberg’s take on West Side Story (which is obviously something we’ve ALL been asking for) is scheduled to hit theaters on December 20, 2020, and well, by then, we may not be able to see it since we’ll all be too busy fighting other dirty-assed bitches over the last bottle of life elixir (aka booze). But there’s a chance that coronavirus won’t bring on the end of times, so 20th Century Fox is keeping the promo train running and has given Vanity Fair several stills and set pics from Spielberg’s WSS including a couple of ageless Puerto Rican blossom Rita Moreno, who won an Oscar for playing Anita in the original 1961 movie. Sadly in this one, Rita doesn’t play an abuelita-aged Anita, who has spent decades fight training and preparing for the moment when she’ll return to NYC to get back at the pepaw-aged Jets for raping her. This ain’t WSS 2: Anita’s Revenge, unfortunately.
That makes sense. You automatically lose ten points for dropping part of your peanut butter and banana sandwich on someone’s vagina. Hollywood veteran Rita Moreno seems to have had more famous people on her than St. Barts. She recently spilled all the Lipton to Wendy Williams (via Page Six) about which showbiz icon she preferred in bed – Brando or Elvis. It’s Marlon Brando for the win! Hopefully, this was the pre-Kabuki makeup science overlord of the scary animal experiment island version of Brando. But maybe Rita’s freaky like that. Continue reading