Last week, I posted about the trailer for Wes Anderson’s Asteroid City, a vision of pastel overload starring every working actor in Hollywood. And this week, I’m posting about Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie, a vision of pastel overload starring every working actor in Hollywood. But unlike Asteroid City, the Barbie movie is low on twee pretentiousness and high on Ryan Gosling’s nipples brushing up against a hot Magic Earring Ken jean vest (note to Wes Anderson: if you want to make Asteroid City more watchable, include a shot of Ryan Gosling’s nipples brushing up against a hot Magic Earring Ken jean vest in the final cut). In December, we got one Barbie teaser trailer, and today, they released teaser #2. I guess they just keep sticking the tip in. Well, as much as a flat-crotch’d plastic doll can stick the tip in.
And on top of the second teaser trailer, we got tons upon tons of character posters, including Michael Cera as Ken’s ginger friend Allan. FINALLY, Allan is getting his time in the shine, but did they really have to make him look like a sleazy frat boy turned sleazy investment banker?! Allan might be a Murdough.
In 2016 they offered us a live-action Barbie movie starring Amy Schumer and we said, “lol. No, thanks.” “Fine, Anne Hathatawy?,” they asked, and it being 2017 we said “look, we’re still trying to recover from Les Mis. Please leave us alone.” Then, like a year later, they said, “well, how about if Greta Gerwig writes and directs?” and we said, “whatever dudes, You do you.” Then they came back with “OK, so Greta’s definitely in and we are thinking Margot Robbie as Barbie? We getting warmer?” and we said, “we’re listening.” Then they said “Great! And as a reward for your patience, how about we give you Ryan Gosling as Ken” and we said “lol. OK, well in that case…”
Michael Cera recently welcomed his very first child. Yep, he’s a daddy! I mean, congrats and shit, but you’d think after knocking up Juno in Juno, the dude would be extra careful about not becoming another teen dad statistic. WAIT. Wikipedia has informed me that Michael is 33 years of age. Sigh. We are all very old.
Sausage Party is that computer animated horror movie about talking food murder that was made by stoners for stoners and it had its premiere in L.A. last night. Salma Hayek does the voice of a gayelle taco shell named Teresa in Sausage Party and so she was at the premiere where she grabbed the buns of a giant hot dog bun in heels and posed with two lettuce heads as though they were her tits. I will say the same thing I said when I somehow* caught myself watching most of Grown Ups 2 on Starz one night:
Salma Hayek, you can act, you’re hot and you’re married to a billionaire. You do not need to do this shit. The end.
But now that I think about it, maybe being married to an over-filled money vault depleted all of the fucks she had to give and now she does whatever she wants. Maybe she really wants to be in an Adam Sandler movie, and do the voice of a taco-bumping taco and pose with lettuce tits. Well, if that’s the case, then Salma should’ve at least gotten one of her minions to fetch her ass some lettuce heads that weren’t falling apart and didn’t look all sad-like. They’re doing a disservice to real magnificent chichis!
And here’s pictures of a bunch of people at last night’s premiere. When exactly did Michael Cera shape-shift into Fran Lebowitz?
* Blame it on the weed mixed with my self-hate.
What you are looking at above is Ashley Judd, Jim Belushi, Amanda Seyfried, David Duchovny, Naomi Watts, Matthew Lillard, Michael Cera, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Trent Reznor. And if you can believe it, you’re only looking at less than 20% of the cast of the Twin Peaks reboot. I hope Showtime knows how to place a casual encounters ad on Craigslist, because something tells me they’re going to need to make a couple extra bucks to make sure all those paychecks don’t bounce.
The cast list for Showtime’s Twin Peaks reboot was announced today. We already knew that most of the original cast was open to coming back. But thanks to Showtime, we now know that pretty much everyone in David Lynch’s Rolodex is coming with them. Variety has a screen grab of the cast list, and I’ve put it after the cut.
Michael Cera was standing outside of a movie theater in Los Angeles when a crazy and most likely drunk lady fan (picture this or this) came up to him to ask for a hug. Michael gave her a hug. Then she asked if she could hug his peen with her mouth. Mel Gibson just angrily shoved his wang into a Jacuzzi jet, because he prays to Jeebus every morning that shit like this happens to him and it never does!
“I pulled away from her. And the cigarette smoke was just falling out of her mouth. It was such a scary image. And then I saw her pull her shirt down for some other guy. There was something demonic and terrifying about it. She was completely crazy. All it did was make me put a few more bricks in the wall I already have.”
Demonic and terrifying?! Michael Cera needs to stop acting like he’s not a famous dude who lives in Los Angeles. This kind of sluttery probably happens all the time to him. The next time this happens, Michael just needs to pass her Mel Gibson’s business card and send her on her way.
And that drunk skank must be a special kind of slut if she asked Michael Cera if she could lick on his urethra. I would get with just about anybody who checks the “male box” on the US Census form, and I don’t think I’d ever go there with Michael Cera. Michael reminds me way too much of this crocheted mouse my auntie had on her coffee table. It was way too docile and fragile looking. I don’t think I ever asked that crocheted mouse if I could suck his dick. Okay, maybe just the one time, but I was 17 and spiked tamarindo was involved so it really doesn’t count.
(Image via GQ)