Open Post: Hosted By Laura Dern’s Gone But Not Forgotten 14-Year-Old Goldfish

March 4, 2020 / Posted by:

Laura Dern had a banner year. She won an Oscar, starred in a few critically acclaimed movies, and gifted us with more iconic Renata Klein one liners on Big Little Lies. But success, money, and glamour mean nothing when you lose what matters most: your 14-year-old white goldfish.

Yesterday the world mourned when Laura broke the devastating news that her unnamed goldfish had passed away. No official cause of death was given at time of publishing. Laura broke the news on Instagram, alongside a photo of the fallen icon in happier times. It shows the white fish swimming in its tank. In the foreground, Laura artistically positioned a biscuit on a plate, as if to suggest, “Look. Fish is eating biscuit, even though it is fish.”

Many Instagram commenters conveyed their shock and awe at a goldfish living to 14, but I’m unimpressed. My grandfather had a dozen ancient goldfish, many of whom ballooned to the size of a child’s head. They were all named “Goldie” or “Bumpy” (the oldest ones were covered in wart-like tumors). This tenacious fleet wintered in tanks, and summered in the backyard pond. They put white Dern fish to shame.

But I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead. Dern fish was a ghost-like beauty in their own right. Laura is currently filming the third Jurassic World movie, so at least she has work to distract her. Maybe she can use some of that grief to inspire her performance. Oscar Number Two?

Pic: Instagram

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